Baby, baby, baby, oooh fuck...

Justin Bieber is the best thing to happen to heavy metal in years. Thanks to the Lego-haired Hilary Swank-a-like, the ridiculously banal crusade by Tipper Gore and the PMRC to censor music has yet again been rendered completely pointless and hideously flawed.

Gore's beef back in the 1980s was that albums marketed towards children should have a warning on them. Call me an overweight big-nosed skinhead but I never really saw the likes of Twisted Sister as something for the kiddies, hence Dee "The Fucking Metal Hero" Snider's stance against ol' Gorey (incidentally, I'm not going into masses of detail about the Parents Music Resource Centre as it's boring and I'm no expert. Google it for more info if you want). Now, music that is categorically marketed to children is the likes of Justin Bieber (and thus the circle completes).

In a recent Rolling Stone interview, the high-bollocked paedo dream suggested that, homosexuality was a lifestyle choice, America (his main source of fans and revenue) is evil and my personal favourite, abortion is wrong, even in cases of rape, as "everything happens for a reason".

Let me pose this question to parents; would you rather have your kids listen to heavy metal music and admire the likes of Scott Ian of Anthrax, a brutal shredder in a genre-defining thrash metal band and a dedicated family man with many years of marriage under his belt. Or Cradle of Filth's Dani Filth, well-documented as being a loving husband and father. Or a plethora of other decent men? No? Perhaps you'd you prefer them to have pictures of an uneducated, teenage imbecile adorning their walls whilst they subscribed to his embarrassingly incorrect right-wing ideals? Well? Tipper? You're a Democrat, what do you think?

I'm not suggesting metal is the wholesome breeding ground of perfect role models; I certainly wouldn't send my kids on a long weekend with Varg Vikernes. But whilst the ongoing debate about what kids should or shouldn't listen to rages on, look behind the music.

How about chart-topping R'n'B star Chris Brown, who enjoys using his martial art skills to kick the shit out of his girlfriend Rhianna?

There are arseholes in every genre, this is undeniable. Bieber is still young and there will no doubt be PR teams worldwide working to correct his monumental fuck up. But unfortunately his opinions are out there now and they matter to millions of tweens worldwide. Rather than being concerned that your kid is listening to Tomb of the Mutilated, which is pure theatre, be concerned that their high-profile role models are in the press attacking women and answering questions like a Fox News stalwart.

Up the Irons.

M
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I've got a gooolden ticket

Well, not technically golden. Perhaps that should be "I've got a load of fucking ace tickets".

First and foremost, my main man Shithouse managed to procure us tickets to the forthcoming Iron Maiden tour which is just about the best news I've had in months. As regular readers of Metal Harmony will know, when me, the 'House and a couple of other gents attended Iron Maiden's Twickenham show in 2008, it was without exception the greatest musical outing of my life ("Maiden Heaven", July '08). It may be over eight months away but I'm already pooing myself with excitement.

January 2011 is dedicated to hardcore. Me and Si-KO are off to see Terror on January 22nd, and the following week Your Demise and Lower Than Atlantis are smashing the shit out of my home town, with tickets costing less than two pints of Guinness. Chances of MADman developing pit-related spinal injuries = 90%+.

So with these absolute blinders on the way, I was wondering what else 2011 could offer up to moisten my undergarments? An lo, a Children of Bodom and Amon Amarth double-header in April came along, with support from Ensiferum. Being as COB are releasing their new album Relentless Reckless Forever in March I cannot fucking wait for this show.

Cradle of Filth are also heading into the studio next week to record Midnight in the Labyrinth, an album of orchestral/acoustic/strings versions of their music. I like the sound of this but being as Dani Filth now insists on being referred to as Lord Filth, there's a chance it might be little more than pretentious wankfumblings.

So with all this awesomeness on the horizon, I leave you with news that next week will see the much anticipated unveiling of my Top Ten 2010. Well, that's the theory. I have a tendency to be drunk a lot at this time of year so you might just get a paragraph of pointless waffle instead.

Bye bye
M
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Not being illegal

Apologies for the absence last week. There is no justifiable reason as to why your inbox was not furnished with the latest instalment of inane, occasionally music-related chat; I was simply so hungover that I couldn't focus on my computer screen. But, after last weeks 72 hour drunk/hungover clusterfuck, I'm back. "Oh joy!" I hear none of you cry.

Free music is an absolute winner though, isn't it? I mean legitimate free music, not illegal downloads. I've never robbed anything off the webernet, personally. This is more down to the fact that I don't really know how to work things over the moral implications of undertaking such activity. Plus, a techy geek of mine who had shit loads of security got done for £1,000 for downloading a few albums and as I don't have that kind of money laying around, coupled with the fact that I don't wish to go to jail and lose my colonic virginity, I think I'll continue to give it a miss.

It's also not really necessary; there's so much free shit punted into the musicsphere on a daily basis anyway. Firstly, Atreyu's cover of Aerosmith's Living On The Edge is a bit of fun, although massive Aerosmith fans will shit twice and die at the Orange County metalcore titans take on this classic. Go here to listen (you'll have to 'like' Atreyu on Facebook first)

Cradle of Filth are giving us a taste of their new album Darkly Darkly Venus Aversa by streaming The Persecution and Lilith Immaculate here. It's classic Cradle but as was always going to happen, Dani Filth's vocal is struggling more and more with the range we've come to expect from the crazy little bastard. On this topic and in one of my favourite stories of recent months, young Mr. Filth has been nominated as a Suffolk icon alongside Adnams Ale and Suffolk punch. For those outside of the UK, Suffolk is essentially a boring county where fuck all happens. Here's the full story.

As black metal goes though, it's all about Netherbird for me this week. Their album Monument Black Colossal may have a pretty ridiculous title but it's pure class. There's a similarity to Dimmu Borgir but without the theatrics and it's well worth a listen - MySpace page in me list.

Oh, and before I forget, there's a new Me First & The Gimme Gimmes album on the horizon. Can't wait to see what this punk super group has for us this time, although if the rumour of and INXS cover is true it's going to be a friggin' winner.

Seeing as I'm doing a charity run this weekend and wearing a suit I'd better go and do something resembling training. It might only be 5km but fuck me I'm unfit.

Holla
M
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2010: A Metal Odyssey

Happy New fuckin' Decade folks. Who thought they'd live to see 2010, eh? Probably most of us but that's not particularly rock and roll. As the debate about what to call this decade rolls on, mainly amongst those with little or no sexual experience, I'm pleased to be back blogging about the shit that really matters; heavy metal, booze and using the word "cunt" in such a way that my mum isn't too disappointed.

2010 has already thrown some pretty epic shit our way - Sonisphere anyone? But some of the biggest news thus far has to be the reformation of grunge/post-grunge stalwarts Soundgarden which may just about prevent Chris Cornell forever being seen as a total cunt. Did you hear his last single? How in the name of Dave Mustaine's ginger pubes that shite came from the same man who did Black Hole Sun and Jesus Christ Pose is beyond comprehension. I'll wager a bag of shiny silver they end up treading the boards at Download 2010.

On a lesser scale, the reformation of Travis Barker and Tim Armstrong's The Transplants looks set to happen in 2010. Although Diamonds and Guns has been locked in an underground basement and continually raped by shampoo adverts for the past few years it's still one of the catchiest tunes I've ever come across; I'm interested to see what these boys come up with next.

But all this pales in comparison to the big release of the year. Ladies, gentlemen and confused transgender types; spring 2010 sees the release of Roses & Thorns, the autobiography of the one and only Poison frontman, Brett Michaels. Cannot fucking wait.

And now to Norwich. If you've never been to Norwich, you're missing out on, um, some stuff. Lots of churches and a pub for every day of the year if my memory serves me correctly. Norwich was also the birthplace of the greatest band that never was: Massive Towbar. Massive Towbar was a project conceived by me and Big Mearz, the most Norfolk man in history. Our aim was to combine our favourite styles of the time into one conceptual powerhouse of punk and metal, with inspiration ranging from Cradle of Filth to Pist.On to NOFX. Unfortunately, he played bass, I played drums, and we never actually played together once but alas, the legend of Massive Towbar remains strong. My (somewhat tenuous) point is, Norwich creates some fucking brutal musicians. I've been digging into the new Annotations Of An Autopsy album for MetalasFuck and II: The Reign Of Darkness is kicking off the new year in the most horribly brutal of ways. It is, without exception, one of the heaviest albums I've come across and the best thing is, it's from these hallowed shores, particularly from the oft-maligned East Anglian region.

The British death metal scene has been a bit lacklustre of late but we're starting to produce some serious noisemakers who are causing trouble all over the place. Trigger The Bloodshed and Malefice both produced albums that hit my 2009 top 10, and AOAA have impressed the UK's music press with their latest outing. It's good to see bands from towns and cities we all know and love taking brutality to a new level. Despite not being particularly patriotic, I do get a smile on my face and a pang of pride when people from overseas read my reviews, listen to the albums and go "fuck this is heavy!".

On a final note, am I the only person who still buys CDs? Am I the only one who likes reading sleevenotes and lyrics nowadays? Does a download version of Judas Priest's British Steel have the same impact as the razor blade-adorned 12-inch or CD?

Until next time,

M
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Tickets at the ready

Me and Hot Chick are currently sitting on pairs of tickets for the following:

DragonForce/Turisas
Disturbed
Alter Bridge
Black Stone Cherry
Cradle Of Filth
Slipknot/Machine Head/Children Of Bodom
Rise Against

Needless to say, things are looking up on the music front.

Having just purchased Cradle's Nymphetamine album, I was leafing through the sleeve notes at work and smiling at some of the, shall we say, provocative imagery. My boss, who's iPod is full of the likes of The Ting Tings (fuck off), Amy Winehouse (too much talent for a ming-riddled tramp) and various funky house nonsensery, decided to have a read of Dani and the boys' work himself. He got as far as the lyrics to Gilded Cunt before deciding perhaps the album wasn't for him. We've decided in a very democratic way that each Friday, we'll put someones MP3 on and listen to some music of their choice. I'm going for:

Napalm Death
Devildriver
Cradle
Bodom
Slayer
Mnemic

Oh what fun it is to have.

Kidneys are fucked at the mo so I'm off the booze. However, with DragonForce's Ultra Beatdown tour, supported by everyone's favourite Finnish warriors Turisas tomorrow, and Disturbed touring the ever-growing-on-me fourth studio album Indestructible on Saturday, I can see this being a challenge.

Could be worse though. I could have had to watch Staind sober.