A plea

I feel somewhat deflated this year. Knowing full well that I won't be attending any festivals is a bit of a shitbag, and this will be the first time in five years I've not done a shit in a hot plastic cupboard after a day drinking weak lager.

I'm not too worried though; the Download lineup is rubbish at present anyway.*

*Please sense the fucking irony.

But emo grumblings aside, 'tis still the season to enjoy righteous tunage. There's been some absolute winners landing at Metal Harmony HQ over the past few weeks, notably the latest Allegaeon album, Formshifter,  which is as superb as melodic death metal gets. Most recently though, there's the latest self-titled release from deathcore giants Whitechapel, which will be getting a proper picking apart on the pages of MetalasFuck.net in the next few days, and is bloody marvellous.

However, if there is one thing the Metal Harmony headphones have been lacking it's a new, proper good punk outfit. Many weeks have elapsed since Executioners came to my attention, but now I'm after something along the lines of Rise Against, Strung Out, Lagwagon; I feel like this kind of music simply doesn't exist anymore.

Ergo, consider today a plea: I NEED SKATE PUNK. It simply ain't summer without skate punk. If you can't listen to NOFX whilst drinking a million beers at a barbecue then summer might as well fuck off. My request is simply that if any of you lot know of a band that might have slipped under my radar, drop me a line.

Hook a brother up, people.

M
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Smashing things. Literally.

Welcome one and all, to Metal Harmony  2012. His year, you will notice literally no changes to the blog, so if you weren't a fan before I ain't going to win you over any time soon. Unless you particularly enjoy video posts, as I'll be doing more of them. Some may even have the sound in synch.

But to the rest of you, Happy New Year! I hope that like me, you're suffering from the horrific bloating and general biliousness associated with the consumption of chocolate and beer from 9am onwards for a sustained 7-day period. In order to ease us into a year that will see the reformation of Black Sabbath, new albums from metal titans such as Lamb of God, Cannibal Corpse and Napalm Death, and the inevitability that most bands will get a dubstep makeover, I thought I'd start us off with a good old fashioned list. Everyone loves a list after all.

Today, my Top 6 Favourite Romper Stomping, Arm Round Your Pal, Beer in Hand, Shout at the Stage, Scare the Shit Out of Fashionistas, Belting Punk Singalongs. This is harder than it seems as the hardcore scene is littered with epic gang song classics, but I'm purely focusing on punk before you get grit in your ball bag about me omitting Scratch the Surface.

6. Anti-Flag - Die for Your Government (Die for the Government, 1996)

Although its difficult to identify this band as a punk outfit from their name and song motifs, Die for your Government is one of the best anti establishment punk songs ever. With the rising chorus of "You gotta die, gotta die, gotta die for your government, die for a country that's shit", its impossible not to frown and shout when this is playing. Simple chords, simple lyrics, brilliant.

5. Leatherface - Hops and Barley (Hops and Barley EP w/Wat Tyler, 1992)

The Sunderland outfits seminal work with Wat Tyler may not have the most serious theme, being as its about beers, but all it takes is 'Face frontman Frankie Stubbs to kick the song off with an a cappella "Hops aaaaaand..." before the crowd takes over, beers proudly held up high.

4. Snuff - Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads (Physical Fatness, 1997)

Yes, its a cover of a TV theme but Snuff make it something marvellous. The rousing chorus makes you want to don a pair of 18-hole Doc Martens and kick a window in, all with a smile on your face.

3. NOFX - The Brews (Punk in Drublic, 1994)

NOFX founder/guitarist/vocalist Fat Mike is a bit of a hero of mine. No only do we share a moniker but Heavy Petting Zoo was one if the first albums in the SoCal/skate punk genre that really got me hooked. The Brews is a story about a gang of Jewish skinheads and features some of my favourite NOFX lyrics and possibly their best Oi chorus. Absolute class.

2. Agnostic Front - Gotta Go (Something's Gotta Give, 1998)

Yes, I know, they're a hardcore band so I've gone against my self imposed 'punk only' rule but in all honesty, Gotta Go is as punk as punk gets. Starting with a monstrous sing along and leading into a fist in the air Oi Oi chant, there isn't a better song to unite a crowd in a bout of absolute fucking bedlam

1. Pennywise - Bro Hymn (Pennywise, 1991/Full Circle, 1996)

Of course its number one. If you don't listen to Bro Hymn and imagine yourself with all your mates, arms round each others shoulders and shouting your throat then you're clearly mentally incompetent. Bro Hymn Tribute on Full Circle is equally emotive - the original was penned by Pennywise bassist Jason Thirsk in memory of friends he lost in a car accident, the Tribute was penned in memory of Thirsk himself after committed suicide in 1996. I get actual goosebumps from this song and as far as I'm concerned, its perfect.

So there we have it. Now wherever you are, listen to this and tear the place up*

*Disclaimer: Metal Harmony does not accept responsibility for any damages to person[s] or property during aural consumption of any of the above anthems.

M

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You're the best, around...

A few mates and I used to play a game, normally during working hours whilst we were pretending to be busy and professional. You've probably all done it but the rules are simple; who would be your ultimate super group? You can have as many people as you like provided that combined, they make a cohesive band, so twelve lead guitarists is not acceptable. But if you feel the need to put in a sitar player then it's perfectly acceptable to get yourself a bit of Ravi Shankar in the lineup.

Today I've decided to revisit this high level piece of musical analysis on a genre-specific basis, although I'm not breaking down into 'death metal', 'black metal', 'hardcore' and so on because some total bellend will invariably have a hissy fit about who fits where. So with this in mind:

Punk Supergroup

Vocals - Greg Graffin, Bad Religion

Lead guitar/backing vocals - Frankie Stubbs, Leatherface

Rhythm guitar - Eric Melvin, NoFX

Bass - Matt Freeman, Rancid

Drums - Derrick Plourde, formerly Lagwagon

Metal Supergroup

Vocals - Ryan McCombs Drowning Pool

Lead guitar - Dave Mustaine Megadeth

Rhythm guitar - Dimebag Darrell Abbott formerly Pantera/Damageplan

Bass - Steve Harris Iron Maiden

Drums - John Boeklin DevilDriver

Stadium Rock Ultra Awesome Supergroup

Vocals - David Coverdale, Whitesnake

Lead guitar - Mark Knopfler, Dire Straits

Rhythm guitar - Steve Stills, Crosby, Still and Nash

Bass - Bakithi Kumalo, African bassist, played on Paul Simon's Gracelands album

Drums - Keith Moon, The Who

It's something you can spend a bollock-achingly long time on and it brings out the twat in us all, as no-one agrees. But the beauty of it is there's no right or wrong answer. Unless your line-up includes any members of My Chemical Romance.

If you can be arsed, post your winners on here.

Peace, love and painful intercourse,

M

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Top Ten of epicness

You can't beat a good cover version. A band takes a classic song, redoes it, and occasionally makes it something spectacular - Pantera's cover of Black Sabbath's Planet Caravan is one of the greatest things I've ever heard, and Type O Negative's version of Summer Breeze by Seals and Crofts (or The Isley Brothers) is one of the most exquisitely depressing covers known to man. But today I'm celebrating those covers song that are completely inappropriate, mindless and fucking funny.

Props to brit metallers and thoroughly decent chaps Sa-Da-Ko for inspiring this list with this their most recent and retarded outing; a cover of DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince, Boom Shake The Room. Brilliant.

10. Snuff - Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads

Punk legends Snuff Oi-up the 1970s comedy show theme tune. Try and listen to the last few half-beat bars without donning bovver boots, downing a bottle of Newcastle Brown and smashing it on your head

9. Lagwagon - Bad Moon Rising

Basically exactly the same as the Creedance Clearwater Revival original, with the exception of a cripplingly fast chorus that back in the day made this budding teenage drummer's balls tighten.

8. The Bezerker - All The Things She Said

Technically, T.A.T.U's original was all about a video of them dressed as schoolgirls and lezzing up in the rain. Pretty much a winning idea. Until The Bezerker added impossibly fast double kick and substituted vulnerable, questionably-legal teenagers with a PVC'd dominatrix couple.

7. Lawnmower Deth - Kids In America

If Kim Wilde's original wasn't awesome enough, the British legends give it a comedy metal makeover. Indescribably awesome.

6. Ten Masked Men - Cry Me A River

Internet legends Ten Masked Men have metalled up everything from Christina Aguilera to Eiffel 65 but their cover of Justin Timberlake's whinging opus about losing tragic psychopath Britney Spears is a stroke of genius.

5. Austrian Death Machine - T2 Theme

As I Lay Dying's Tim Lambesis drops a bit of a bollock here as technically, this theme is from the end of the first Terminator but nevertheless, adding chugging riffs and soaring fretwork to one of the most seminal pieces of music from 20th century cinema (well, I think so anyway) is a stroke of genius

4. Me First & The Gimme Gimmes - Mandy

With a massive back catalogue to choose from, the punk supergroup could have a top ten of their own but in my mind, punking up Manilow is always a winner.

3. NOFX - Vincent

Don Maclean's tribute to earless Absinthe mentaller Vincent Van Gogh gets the SoCal treatment. Fat Mike's nasal squawk and Erik Sandin's trademark drumming takes a somber, down beat song and makes it a pit-swelling anthem

2. Turisas - Rasputin

Take Boney-M, add folk metal, et voila. I almost pissed myself when I first saw this live as it's such a perfectly retarded song to cover. However, Turisas do it so well you'd think they themselves had penned this tribute to Russia's greatest love machine.

1. Hi-Standard - California Dreamin'

Without doubt, my favourite stupid cover of all time. Nothing pays tribute to the mid-1960s anthem more than this double-quick version by a group of Japanese punks. It's a moment of pure genius and a hands down winner.

Ah, that was fun. Time to go and pull a moonie at the pope.

Ciao

M

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2010: A Metal Odyssey

Happy New fuckin' Decade folks. Who thought they'd live to see 2010, eh? Probably most of us but that's not particularly rock and roll. As the debate about what to call this decade rolls on, mainly amongst those with little or no sexual experience, I'm pleased to be back blogging about the shit that really matters; heavy metal, booze and using the word "cunt" in such a way that my mum isn't too disappointed.

2010 has already thrown some pretty epic shit our way - Sonisphere anyone? But some of the biggest news thus far has to be the reformation of grunge/post-grunge stalwarts Soundgarden which may just about prevent Chris Cornell forever being seen as a total cunt. Did you hear his last single? How in the name of Dave Mustaine's ginger pubes that shite came from the same man who did Black Hole Sun and Jesus Christ Pose is beyond comprehension. I'll wager a bag of shiny silver they end up treading the boards at Download 2010.

On a lesser scale, the reformation of Travis Barker and Tim Armstrong's The Transplants looks set to happen in 2010. Although Diamonds and Guns has been locked in an underground basement and continually raped by shampoo adverts for the past few years it's still one of the catchiest tunes I've ever come across; I'm interested to see what these boys come up with next.

But all this pales in comparison to the big release of the year. Ladies, gentlemen and confused transgender types; spring 2010 sees the release of Roses & Thorns, the autobiography of the one and only Poison frontman, Brett Michaels. Cannot fucking wait.

And now to Norwich. If you've never been to Norwich, you're missing out on, um, some stuff. Lots of churches and a pub for every day of the year if my memory serves me correctly. Norwich was also the birthplace of the greatest band that never was: Massive Towbar. Massive Towbar was a project conceived by me and Big Mearz, the most Norfolk man in history. Our aim was to combine our favourite styles of the time into one conceptual powerhouse of punk and metal, with inspiration ranging from Cradle of Filth to Pist.On to NOFX. Unfortunately, he played bass, I played drums, and we never actually played together once but alas, the legend of Massive Towbar remains strong. My (somewhat tenuous) point is, Norwich creates some fucking brutal musicians. I've been digging into the new Annotations Of An Autopsy album for MetalasFuck and II: The Reign Of Darkness is kicking off the new year in the most horribly brutal of ways. It is, without exception, one of the heaviest albums I've come across and the best thing is, it's from these hallowed shores, particularly from the oft-maligned East Anglian region.

The British death metal scene has been a bit lacklustre of late but we're starting to produce some serious noisemakers who are causing trouble all over the place. Trigger The Bloodshed and Malefice both produced albums that hit my 2009 top 10, and AOAA have impressed the UK's music press with their latest outing. It's good to see bands from towns and cities we all know and love taking brutality to a new level. Despite not being particularly patriotic, I do get a smile on my face and a pang of pride when people from overseas read my reviews, listen to the albums and go "fuck this is heavy!".

On a final note, am I the only person who still buys CDs? Am I the only one who likes reading sleevenotes and lyrics nowadays? Does a download version of Judas Priest's British Steel have the same impact as the razor blade-adorned 12-inch or CD?

Until next time,

M
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Ah, memories...

You know what sucks? Not being a teenager anymore. Me and Si-KO were talking at work the other day about the simpler, happier times. I know this is Metal Harmony but allow me this brief digression into the world of 90's punkness...

During my spotty, bumfluffed years there was a massive group of us who used to hang around our country market town with our skateboards, smoking roll-up cigarettes and generally looking immensely badass. I'd like to point out early doors that, despite having a skateboard, I was without exception the shittest skater ever to grace the earth. I think I successfully jumped, or "ollied" (fuck I'm a loser) a kerb on one occasion in about two years. I also fell off once after hitting a leaf. Yes, a leaf.

The bare essentials to be in our righteous cartel were:

Spiky hair (my mum wouldn't let me dye it green)
Skateboard
Wallet on at least one chain
Some kind of bracelet
A 12.5g packet of Amber Leaf/Cutters Choice/whatever tobacco came with free papers
A 16th of solid cannabis resin, normally full of plastic

And then we get to the music. A million people will have a million opinions about what's classified as skate punk so please feel free to leave a bitching and whining comment but for us, it was all about NOFX, Lagwagon, Ten Foot Pole, No Use For A Name, Propagandhi, Strung Out, Millencolin, and some more old school stuff like The Misfits, Black Flag, and so on. For me, I've got to say that The Offspring's S.M.A.S.H has to be up there as Self-Esteem is one of my favourite tunes of all time

Me and Big Mearz used to spend all our hard borrowed cash on everything Fat Wreck Chords had to offer - he got some absolute shitters but most of the time, the music was exactly what we wanted; full of energy, always catchy, often retarded (please see Diesel Boy's Titty Twister) and absolutely fucking awesome. We even made the long arduous journey from the East Anglian countryside to London aged 14(ish) to catch a Lagwagon/N.U.F.A.N double-header which was one of the best gigs ever.

So what's the point of this post? Why the arse-suckling fuck should you give a rat's vulva about my youth? In a nutshell, you probably shouldn't. But listening to these songs for the first time in years reminded me of a fucking ace time in my life. Metal is clearly my passion, and nothing gets my bumps goosed quite like a bit of serious thrash and double-kick mayhem. However, if I listen to Lagwagon's Violins or Undeclinable Ambuscade's 7 Years I can help but get a wee skip to my step.

Now I'm gonna jump on my deck, go spend £10 on weed and sit in the park drinking cider.

All in favour, say "I".

"Not a day goes by...

...when I don't spare you a thought"

The prophetic lyrics of one Frankie Stubbs, frontman of Sunderland punk legends Leatherface; one of, if not the most important band in my life.

"But MADman, why are you being such a dramatic fucklordassmonkey?" I hear you ask. Well it upon my knee, young child, and your weird uncle will tell you a story...

On my eleventh birthday, my primary school embarked on it's annual coach trip to the Isle of Wight (stick with me, this isn't as boring as it sounds). As a birthday present, Bro Dude had made me a tape. For all the younglings out there, tapes were pieces of plastic that you usually had to rewind with a Bic pen as most...oh, hang on, a Bic pen is an orange plastic...ah, fuck it.

Right, so I get on the coach and I've got my Sony Walkman and my 90-minute TDK. Side one is some album by this band Nirvana called "Nevermind" and on the other side is this album called "Mush" by some mob known as Leatherface.

Side one was ready to go and as soon as the opening chords of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" kicked in, I had a revelation. Kind of like the first time you have a dream about a girl where you, you know, do stuff. Or the first time you smoke a cigarette and vomit out the back of your mate's nan's shed. Until this point I'd been listening to pretty much chart music - my mum kept it real with the Neil Young, Steely Dan, Crosby Stills and Nash vibe but this, for the first time, was loud. My music collection extended to East 17's "Walthamstow" and "Monster Hits Vol. 3" and all of a sudden there was this noise. Rough sounding, angry; I was fucking away. In fact, I distinctly remember not hearing the bus sing "happy birthday" as I was so overawed by the music. Ungrateful little fucker.

So "Nevermind" came to a close. "Fuck me", thought I, "that was pretty good shit". Flipped the tape, and in comes Frankie and the boys. "I Want The Moon" is one of the best openers to an album I've ever heard. You get no intro, you get no warning, it doesn't build up, it comes in at whatever volume the Walkman's on and fucking stays there.

Then the vocals start and your sucked in. They're pure gravel, they're clearly owned by a man who drinks 3 litres of Jack Daniels, smokes 60 Bensons and gargles with flaming tyres every day. And then it happened; "How Lonely" smashed into my ears and on first listen, almost made me cry, which was a bit weird seeing as at this point, I had no experience of punk, metal, grunge, whatever - this was just such a fucking palm-shaggingly good song that I didn't really know what to think.

I listened to "Nevermind" and "Mush", flipping the tape over and over as each album finished, all the way to the Isle of Wight, on every excursion on our three-day visit, and then all the way back to London. Then I listened to it every night in my bedroom, and then I listened to it when me and my parents drove to Cornwall from London, and all the way back. And although "Nevermind" to me has been played to death for the last decade-and-a-half, "Mush" still gets played at least once a week.

Leatherface got me into punk. I loved Nirvana's grunge soundings, and "Territorial Pissings" remains one of the all time teenage headbang classics but Leatherface changed my world. I started getting into some of the old school shit (with help from Bro Dude, of course), plus bands like The Jam and The Police, and then started to find my own way with the Southern Californian punks - NoFX, Lagwagon, Mad Caddies, etc. - which got me into some of the Scandanavian hardcore like Satanic Surfers, which made me appreciate a violent vocal and savage drum sound...see where this is going?

I love Bro Dude for fundamentally changing my entire life with a single tape. I love Leatherface for recording, and to this day, performing the greatest punk tunes I've ever heard. I love the fact that Frankie Stubbs today became my friend on Facebook (cue imminent cringe-worthy geek email of adoration...)

You need Leatherface. Trust me on this one.

I'm off for some razorblades and asprin.