Enjoying Deep Throat

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Poo jokes

I'm confused about The Browning. I understand that that may read as though I'm struggling to pass fecal matter but I am in fact referring to new UK outfit The Browning's album Burn This World. There's been a lot of talk about this mob and most of the PR material from Earache talks about them being a trailblazing new band. I am inclined to agree but I can't decide if I love it or hate it.

There's been an influx of dancey trancey housey metal over the last few months which may have caused a large percentage of people to vomit but I'm actually not averse to it. It probably stems from my teens years, during which my misfit bunch of mates and I would head to nightclubs and fail to pull women of any standard to a backdrop of Lisa Pin-Up and The Tidy Boys. I have no shame in admitting that I'm still a massive fan of early 90's rave music and a bit of mid-90s hard house, which brings us full circle.

I mentioned The Bunny The Bear a few weeks back, who may be a bit of a teenage girl's wet dream band but their album is good fun. The Browning take this poppy vibe and make it a lot darker. There's been a lot of 'dubstep' references banded around but in my mind, there's only one moment that could be considered dubstep on Burn This World (Ashamed); the rest of the time it has a more trancey feel which can get a bit repetitive and bloody irritating as the album progresses. Although Time Will Tell starts off like a Scooter track, which is hilarious.

However, it's still got some big metal riffs and the token harsh vocals, so don't go all "it's not metal" on me or I will be forced to sodomise your pets. Thing is, if you actually listen to dubstep and deathcore/metalcore there isn't a gulf of difference between them; both have that slow, building dugga-dugga-dug rhthym and massive drops, and although I'm not suggesting pop starlet Katie B is likely to be touring with Whitechapel in the immediate future, there are definite similarities in the structure of the music.

I would recommend strongly listening to Burn This World before you decide it's a pile of browning.

M
\m/

Being pissed off

I'm pissed off. My ultra super special fanboy edition of Metal Hammer with copy of Machine Head's Unto The Locust still hasn't turned up. I've tweeted, I've sent a strongly worded email - what more can a man do??

Which leads me on to today's blog about things piss me off about metal. And the world in general.

5. People who listen to metal
Well, people that only listen to metal. Great idea, listening to a single genre. Best ignore NWA, they didn't do anything for music. The Eagles? Load of hippy shit. In fact, anything that isn't played in drop D and covered in blood and dead Jesus is mainstream and bland. Wankers.

4. People who do impressions of metal
"I don't know how you can listen to all that 'RAA RAA RAA' music". Well, you be pleased to know I don't. In fact, I don't know anyone who does and more to the point I can't think of a single band or song that just goes 'RAA RAA RAA'. It's like saying "I don't know how you can listen to all that 'bitch bitch bitch' music" to a hip hop fan or 'I don't know how you can listen to all that 'sandals sandals sandals, music" to a Newton Faulkner fan. Fucking annoying.

3. Facebook
I'm all for bands promoting themselves but I'm not going to 'like' something just because you've asked me to. I shall listen, if I like it, then so be it. Also, The Bunny The Bear: I think If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say... is a great album but if you post the video for Ocean Floor one more time I'm going to shit a badger. And Annotations Of An Autopsy - please, please, please stop. Just stop.

2. The definition of emo
What the fuck does 'emo' even mean anymore? I was always under the impression it stood for 'emotional hardcore' so had Alexisonfire in that category but then Panic At The Disco and My Chemical Romance came and they were seemingly the poster children of emo. Then I was at the Metal Hammer Golden Gods in 2007 and some bearded buffoon was stating how Killswitch Engage were emo, and now I'm being told Black Veil Brides are emo. As I understand now, you must have tight trousers and terrible hair to be emo. Which makes Poison and Whitesnake emo. For fuck's sake.

1. Festival headliners
Here's a shocking statement; sometimes, just sometimes, festivals are put together with bands other than just your favourites. Sometimes, bands that you don't like play the festivals that you go to. The best thing to do in this crazy situation is DON'T GO AND SEE THEM! Stop bitching and whining and go to a different stage, you swamp-dwelling anus chimp. Or better still, go on to every forum you can find and tell everyone how shit the line-up is, and how they should totally have booked real metal like Kvvtlretvtrkkaak from Norway or British up and comers Painful Foreskin Hemorrhage. You twat.

This has been marginally cathartic but I'm still in a bad mood. I'm off to punch Mick Hucknall.

M
\m/

You need this stuff

2011 has been full of marvellous albums and everyone loves a list. Hence today's 5 Albums From 2011 Wot You Must Own Or You're Some Sort Of Arsehole list was born.

1. The Bunny The Bear - If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say...

Mental. Amon Amarth had a child with Savage Garden, raised if for five years, then went onto The Maury Show only to find out that Combichrist or Between The Buried And Me might be the baby-daddy. That's what this album is.

2. Malefice - Awaken The Tides
The latest album from the increasingly excellent British metallers is absolute class. They've taken their sound to a new level with more blasting, harder vocals, and cat's arsehole-tight musicianship throughout. A must have.

3. Agnostic Front - My Life My Way
Hardcore lives. Consistently intense, plenty of singalongs and hundreds of opportunities to rip off your shirt and get stuck the fuck in. So to speak.

4. Joe Bonamassa - Dust Bowl
Smoother than a freshly-sanded pint of Guinness and cooler that a Penguin's ballbag, Bonamassa's solo work is about as good a summer album as you could ever listen to. Pretty much perfect rock and roll blues, it's better than whatever you're currently listening to.

5. Evile - Five Serpent's Teeth
You want thrash? I said do you want THRASH?! Then buy this. Then grow your hair, buy some denim, and play air guitar like you mean it. Evile's return was highly anticipated and rightly so.

If you haven't bought any music this year, start with this lot. If you like metal, that is. And to be honest, if you haven't bought any music this year why are you reading a music blog? What's wrong with you?

With the promise of more musical excellence on the horizon, this is an exciting 12-month period. Either that or everything good has already come out and I've just fucked up my end of year Top Ten.

God speed

M

\m/