Deathcore wins

I've never been a massive fan of slapping a genre label on bands. In days of yore, calling a band like Iron Maiden 'heavy metal' or Rush 'prog rock' made sense but in the era of 'screamo crunk', how the fuck do you decide who's what? Take Throwdown, for example; initially a hardcore band, now much more MOR metal, so I assume that makes them post-hardcore conformo-metal, or something?

My reason for this bitch is that I recently got hold of the latest album from German outfit Anima and as I tucked into the standard overblown press release waffle, the 'deathcore' label jumped out and nutted me in the balls. Deathcore is one of the genres that gets a regular kicking left, right and centre so I automatically thought "oh great". Then I started thinking (which wasn't easy) I like Whitechapel, think the most recent Annotations Of An Autopsy album is excellent and as both bands have had the deathcore shit flung in their direction, I reached a conclusion: I like deathcore. Derogatory as the tag has been, it fucking works for me, alright??

Anima's Enter The Killzone is no different to anything you'd expect from this much-maligned genre. Down-tuned guitars, grunting vocals, massively predictable breaks, backdrops of horror, screams, and general pain, etc. And to be honest, I love it. Have a look at their MySpace as this album is so heavy it'll make your bowels collapse. Although I'm sure some of you will be too damn kvlt to admit it.

Whilst we're on the subject of deathcore, I suggest any Americans reading this get in touch with Annotations Of An Autopsy. The lads' Facebook page is currently asking if anyone with space can put them up on their American tour in return for a couple of tickets to a gig. Although the prospect of waking up with Steve 'Fuck Me That's Going To Ruin Your Vocal Chords' Reagan and the boys kipping in your living room is a touch intimidating, it's got to be worth doing to support these champions of British heaviness.

And on that note, I'm off. I like deathcore so fuck you.

M

\m/

The more things change...

...The more they stay the same. Apologies to those of you were expecting some kind of radically different Metal Harmony after my hiatus last week but did Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel overnight? Huh? Did he ballbags. So continue to watch this space. It'll be worth it. Probably.

I had a trawl through the plethora of bands that follow me on Twitter this week in desperate search for some quality relatively unknown metal and found my search as useful as fucking a corpse in the hope of starting a family. There is a real wealth of shit out there. Don't get me wrong; A Day To Remember are a decent pop-metal band, nothing wrong there, but there's no need for 68,000 new bands to sound exactly the fucking same as them. It's indescribably boring. I did stumble across Lead Farmer though and if you like truly garage death grind, check them out

I'm also well into the new album from Valkyrja this week, entitled Contaminated. It's pure black metal and deserves to be played at a granny-bothering volume if only for the insane kick drum. Full review on Metal as Fuck in the next few days so check it out, unless you're either a total pussy or a devout Christian.

Bullet For My Valentine also gave us a taster of new album Fever this week, with a free download of Begging For Mercy. All in all, not bad. Matt Tuck's voice is still a bit weedy and the drumming's hardly something you'd drop your trousers and play with your danglers over but despite me being one of the few that didn't hate Scream Aim Fire, this is a marked improvement.

Remember how I was bitching about not being able to go to Rammstein and having to sell my tickets to Machine Head? Here's the punchline; I won four tickets to the forthcoming Hammerfest 2 festival, which includes the likes of Napalm Death, Devildriver, and many more stalwarts of savagery...but I'm unable to go. Now listen up kids; the primary problem here is money so here's my thinking: you all send me £50 (or equivalent if you're reading this outside the UK) so I can go to numerous events, and I write super lovely reviews for you all to enjoy. Anyone? No? Ungrateful bastards.

Onto shit I shall be attending though, as Download 2010 pulled a real 12-incher out of the bag this week with Rage Against The Machine and Aerosmith (with whom organiser Andy Copping assures us Steven Tyler will perform), as well as other crowd pleasers in the shape of Lamb Of God...which reminds me! The Lamb Of God gig was excellent but I was so nailed I could do about as effective a review as Helen Keller could a 100m-sprint.

Anyway, Lamb Of God, Five Finger Death Punch (not sure why so many people hate this lot) and Stone Sour, which pleases Hot Chick no end. All this being said, in order to ensure not all of my posts are about Download and Sonisphere between now and the summer, future updates on these titanic festivals will be limited to:

Download - 5FDP, Aerosmith, Stone Sour

Sonisphere - no announcement

Download wins

See what I've done there? Informative and opinionated, cunning stunt that I am.

In other news, some mob known as "Irons Maident" or something have virtually completed their new album. Can't think of anyone who cares, to be honest...

Kisses and bum sex,

M

\m/

It all started so well...

February has managed to transform from being an epically good month gig-wise to being a bit of a shitter. Events have conspired against me and the devil has once again shat in my coffee. Firstly, I was unable to attend last night's Rammstein madness, and due to a combination of poor timing and imminent bankruptcy, I've had to flog my tickets to Machine Head. So only Lamb Of God remains ahead this month but I'm expecting nothing less than crippling metal perfection there, plus Between The Buried and Me is a new live band for me and they're promising to be insane.

Also slightly disappointing is the fact that despite crowd surfing my fat carcass continually across the heads of many poor bastards and generally wreaking havoc I still failed to get into DevilDriver's Another Night In London video. This being said it's a great bit of celluloid and if you were at the HMV Forum gigs in London in October, it brings back some pleasantly warming memories.

Anyway, enough of this grizzling. There are people in the world much less fortunate than I with their gig attendance, including folks who have actually paid to see Hollywood Undead.

2010 also marks the return of the most important band in my life; Leatherface. As you may recall from Not A Day Goes By (July 3rd 2009), I fucking love this lot so new album The Stormy Petrel, released on February 22nd through Big Ugly Fish, is a boner-inducing prospect. Look out for my review in the coming weeks.

So with no Rammstein to report, I feel a bit naked in terms of content today. However, there are lots of exciting things on the horizon - new sexy Metal Harmony site, new brutal metal reviews for MetalasFuck, new unsigned Canadian carnage, so watch this space as I'm going to be after photos, demos and general shit from all you lot in the not too distant future.

Metal Harmony is on the rise mother fuckers.

M

\m/

The month of pure awesome

My second Monday blog post in as many weeks. This is due to a monumentally hungover MADman on Friday, resulting in an emergence from bed early afternoon and a margarita pizza for 'breakfast'. You get the idea.

What a week it was though. Download 2010 officially confirmed AC/DC as headliners, plus Megadeth, Bullet For My Valentine, Deftones, Motorhead - okay, so it's not going as mind-boggling as the initial Sonisphere shout but it's something for us to get our teeth into. I dutifully purchased tickets for me and Hot Chick; cannot fucking wait.

February kicks off today and I've been looking forward to it in a massive way for a few key reasons:

Feb 4th - Rammstein

Feb 13th - Lamb of God (with Job For A Cowboy, August Burns Red, Between The Buried And Me)

Feb 18th - Machine Head (with Hatebreed, Bleeding Through, Man Must Die)

Fair enough I'm going to be broke well before the end of the month but to be honest, it's going to be worth it. I've never seen Rammstein live but find myself eagerly anticipating the pyro-tastic Teutonic oiled man fest. Perhaps that says a little something about me.

For any seriously metal metallers tucking into a bit of Metal Harmony, I've been absolutely blown away by the second album from Scandinavian octet Eluveitie over the last couple of weeks. I can only really describe them as blackened folk death metal and would strongly recommend listening to Everything Remains (As It Never Was) for a truly exceptional audio experience, combining traditional instrumental folk songs with brutal blasting arse-clenchingly heavy guitar. I won't go into too much detail but the review'll be going up on MetalasFuck in a few days...

Canadian's Aeternam have also impressed me with their debut album Disciples Of The Unseen. There's a thrash vibe with black-as-hell undertones, with the occasional melodic vocal and interlude you'd expect to be playing in a Turkish bazaar. If you're planning a virginal sacrifice in your basement, this is a good choice of album to play in the background.

Whilst I have you attention, go to Annotation Of An Autopsy's MySpace (in the list) as they're streaming the new album II: The Reign Of Darkness in it's entirety. Listen to it. It will make you cry.

As a final point, thanks to Sea Of Treachery for covering Paramore's Misery Business. The original is a guilty pleasure of mine but this version is fucking insane. As always, link in the list. Fuck I'm good to you.

Tune in next time to find out if I get forcefully fisted by burly Germans in arseless chaps at Rammstein.

M

\m/

Here we go again...

Apologies for my unexplained hiatus over the last couple of Fridays; me and Hot Chick have been moving house so a lack of Internet connection has resulted in my unblogitute. I thought some of you may get all emo and start cutting if you had to wait until Friday so here's a nice Monday treat for you.

No we've got that business taken care of, onto the really important stuff: why I'm not going to Sonisphere 2010.

The lineup for this event is so good that I've filled my pants a good six or seven times. But we've been over that before. Download 2010 announces it's headliners today and AC/DC are looking like the bleedin' obvious big hitter but aside from that, look at the other key facts; Download 2010 marks the 30th anniversary of heavy metal on Donnington's hallowed grounds. The capacity has gone from 80,000 to a bafflingly huge 110,000. Tell me there isn't going to be some insanely epic names needed to shift those tickets? Think of all the bands that have played over the years - imagine a "best of Donnington" lineup. Yeah, you like that, don't you? You dirty sl....sorry, getting all excited.

Here's the rub; Download could easily shift the numbers if they got some of the poppier bands of late. The danger here is that if cuntyball fuckwarblers Metro Station or spasticated wankmonkeys Plain White Ts are there you may see news reports of an overweight skinhead committing mass murder with an over-priced Yorkshire pudding. But you take the rough with the smooth. The other lot with money to burn are the 30-40 year olds, so rumours of Van Halen and the imminent demise of The Scorpions suggests a possible repeat of Download 2009's epic 80s power rock lineup win. Plus, with Corey Taylor refusing to miss a year, Stone Sour are a pretty hot favourite for a bit of new album promotion which is a big hit with this mother fucker, then there's Soundgarden's reformation, and so on and so forth...

Isn't variety the spice of life? Download has and always will mix the brutal with the melodic, the hardcore with the mainstream, the good with the shit, and I for one am a big fan of absorbing many types of over music over the weekend.

But perhaps the most important reason of all is that Hot Chick (and I shall be slaughtered for broadcasting this) is also celebrating her 30th anniversary of being on this big ol' hunk of space rock this year. As such, what kind of gentlementaller would I be if I didn't let her pick the festival this year? After all, she gets dragged along to a lot of shows she wouldn't choose over the rest of the year so it's only fair, innit?

Don't get it twisted homies, I'd love to be at both Sonisphere and Download but that's gonna be crazy expensive and damn impossible G.

So to conclude this Monday broadcast, it looks like MADman will be at Download 2010. Provided I can nick enough bags off old women and steal the lunch money off of enough school kids to pay for the tickets.

Now it's Monday morning so stop reading this and do some fucking work. It's your fault the world's in a recession.

M
\m/

2010: A Metal Odyssey

Happy New fuckin' Decade folks. Who thought they'd live to see 2010, eh? Probably most of us but that's not particularly rock and roll. As the debate about what to call this decade rolls on, mainly amongst those with little or no sexual experience, I'm pleased to be back blogging about the shit that really matters; heavy metal, booze and using the word "cunt" in such a way that my mum isn't too disappointed.

2010 has already thrown some pretty epic shit our way - Sonisphere anyone? But some of the biggest news thus far has to be the reformation of grunge/post-grunge stalwarts Soundgarden which may just about prevent Chris Cornell forever being seen as a total cunt. Did you hear his last single? How in the name of Dave Mustaine's ginger pubes that shite came from the same man who did Black Hole Sun and Jesus Christ Pose is beyond comprehension. I'll wager a bag of shiny silver they end up treading the boards at Download 2010.

On a lesser scale, the reformation of Travis Barker and Tim Armstrong's The Transplants looks set to happen in 2010. Although Diamonds and Guns has been locked in an underground basement and continually raped by shampoo adverts for the past few years it's still one of the catchiest tunes I've ever come across; I'm interested to see what these boys come up with next.

But all this pales in comparison to the big release of the year. Ladies, gentlemen and confused transgender types; spring 2010 sees the release of Roses & Thorns, the autobiography of the one and only Poison frontman, Brett Michaels. Cannot fucking wait.

And now to Norwich. If you've never been to Norwich, you're missing out on, um, some stuff. Lots of churches and a pub for every day of the year if my memory serves me correctly. Norwich was also the birthplace of the greatest band that never was: Massive Towbar. Massive Towbar was a project conceived by me and Big Mearz, the most Norfolk man in history. Our aim was to combine our favourite styles of the time into one conceptual powerhouse of punk and metal, with inspiration ranging from Cradle of Filth to Pist.On to NOFX. Unfortunately, he played bass, I played drums, and we never actually played together once but alas, the legend of Massive Towbar remains strong. My (somewhat tenuous) point is, Norwich creates some fucking brutal musicians. I've been digging into the new Annotations Of An Autopsy album for MetalasFuck and II: The Reign Of Darkness is kicking off the new year in the most horribly brutal of ways. It is, without exception, one of the heaviest albums I've come across and the best thing is, it's from these hallowed shores, particularly from the oft-maligned East Anglian region.

The British death metal scene has been a bit lacklustre of late but we're starting to produce some serious noisemakers who are causing trouble all over the place. Trigger The Bloodshed and Malefice both produced albums that hit my 2009 top 10, and AOAA have impressed the UK's music press with their latest outing. It's good to see bands from towns and cities we all know and love taking brutality to a new level. Despite not being particularly patriotic, I do get a smile on my face and a pang of pride when people from overseas read my reviews, listen to the albums and go "fuck this is heavy!".

On a final note, am I the only person who still buys CDs? Am I the only one who likes reading sleevenotes and lyrics nowadays? Does a download version of Judas Priest's British Steel have the same impact as the razor blade-adorned 12-inch or CD?

Until next time,

M
\m/

A time for reflection

What a year it's been, eh? The metal festivals were epic, the gigs were astonishing, and the nutters at MetalasFuck, BorninBlood and Rock Radio decided to publish the bollocks that I write. I joined Twitter, drank alcohol to the point of vomiting several times, got punched in the face twice and slept on a bench once. I had the worst year in history at work but aside from that, 2009 has been alright to be honest.

But what kind of blog would this be if I didn't do a "Top stuff of 2009" list? All bored of reading them yet? Unlucky.

So here's my top ten for this year, and a brief explanation why as I'm sure you can't be fucked to read pages and pages of justifications:

10. Malefice - Dawn of Reprisal
The second album keeps up the momentum of their debut. Malefice proved to the metal world that the UK does it fucking hard and fucking heavy

9. Suicidal Angels - Sanctify The Darkness
Greek thrashers take organised religion and slap the shit out of it. Hardly ground breaking but hugely compelling and full of brutal honesty

8. Milking the Goatmachine - Back From The Goats
The most ridiculous thing I heard all year, this album takes grind to a new level of stupidity. It's great fun and painfully harsh on the ears. Perfect for making sweet love to your lady down by the fire...

7. The Black Dahlia Murder - Deflorate
Highly anticipated and rightly so, Trevor Strnad and the boys pulled an absolute blinder with this. Heavier than a constipated bi-polar elephant and the only music to listen to if you're off out for a scrap

6. Amon Amarth - The Crusher Reissue
The music may not be as polished as with later albums but this reissue gives newcomers to the Amon Amarth brand a chance to hear where it all started. Plus, the live CD of the entire album is a-fucking-stounding

5. Outloud - We'll Rock You To Hell And Back
Without doubt, the most fun album of 2009. 80's cock rock is done often and it ain't always done right but Outloud absolutely nailed it. Just the right amount of cheese makes this a worthy addition to the ol' collection

4. Trigger The Bloodshed - The Great Depression
New drummer, new vocalist, new boot up the arse of the critics. Based on The Great Depression, there is no doubt that TTB are spearheading the new wave of UK death metal. Expect a lot more from these boys in 2010

3. Austrian Death Machine - Double Brutal
Heavy as hell metal based on Arnie's films which is piss your pants funny from start to finish; it has a song called I Need You Clothes, Your Boots and Your Motorcycle, for Christ's sake. Buy it.

2. Lamb Of God - Wrath
LOG have been producing consistently exceptional music for years but Wrath raised the bar. With Randy Blythe's tonsil-rupturing vocals and some of the tightest musicianship in the metal world, this album ripped my balls off and shoved them down my throat. Absolutely fucking excellent.

1. DevilDriver - Pray For Villains
This won't be a surprise for those of you who know me. It was a tough call between Pray For Villains and Wrath but I had to go with the 'Driver. The Last Kind Words, the predecessor to Pray For Villains, is one of my albums of the decade and as such, was a tough act to follow. But Dez Fafara et al combined personal struggles, insane drumming, pounding grooves and catchy as fuck choruses to produce a savagely good piece of work. They got a lot more fans on the back of this album and after a killer performance at Download 2009 and their own headline tour, DevilDriver is a deserving winner for me.

"But MADman, you crazy cock face, what the fuck happened to Rammstein and Megadeth? Are you some sort of cunt?" Yes, yes I am. However, I've not included these guys in my list as although both are excellent, this is my personal opinion. So please dry your eyes, but feel free to give me some shit if you feel it necessary.

I also got to talking to Sa-da-Ko this year, who remain my unsigned band of choice for 2009. Hopefully we'll get an album from these guys in 2010 and I've plenty of faith that it'll make a loud, unpleasant, face-melting noise within the UK metal scene.

So that's me. I hope you lot have enjoyed reading Metal Harmony this year - if you come back in 2010, I'd gratefully appreciate it. And tell your mates. And send me money. And gifts.

Have a fucking brutal Christmas and New Year. Eat, drink, and listen to heavy metal.

M
\m/

Is this the end? Not a chance

**DISCLAIMER**
MADman had an exceptionally big night, with highlights including sleeping briefly on a bench on the banks of the Thames and getting home as Hot Chick was off to work. Therefore, if the following is total bullshit, he accepts no responsibility whatsoever. In addition, any criticism may make him cry

It has to be said that the lineup for Download 2009 was a fucking sterling effort by the organisers. Motley, Slipknot, Journey, Leppard, a reformed Faith No More; the list is extensive and I was pretty convinced that this was as good as it was ever going to get. But on Wednesday, December 9th, the goalposts weren't so much moved, more taken over to North Korea and discretely obliterated in a covert underground nuclear explosion. The rumour mill had been circulating the possibility of Iron Maiden headlining Sonisphere UK 2010 and sure enough, there they were. However, what wasn't expected was the additional information that Rammstein, Alice Cooper, Slayer, The Cult, Anthrax and Iggy and The Stooges would also be on the bill. Read that again. And again. Now pause, go make a cup of tea, think about how much that list fucking rules and continue reading.

I love the Download Festival. It's an epic weekend. But in 2010, it's going to have one hell of a fight against Sonisphere based on this initial announcement. Not all of us can afford tickets to both and if there's a decision to be made, it's going to have to be something arse-rapingly astonishing to pull people away from the Irons. Few bands have the same draw but some of the names in the hat have pretty widespread appeal that would bring some non-metal money through the door - Bon Jovi are a big rumour, as are Green Day. I'd love to see both but Slayer, Anthrax, Alice...Andy Copping and the Download team had better have something inexplicably phenomenal planned. Ozzy? Or Sabbath with the original lineup? Megadeth? How about Queen with the original lineup? That'd be impressive. Bit dull after a while though.

There are clearly a million bands that can make a festival as hot as your first dump the morning after twelve pints and a madras but it's the big guns that get the numbers. I'm not suggesting Download is going to pack it's bags and fuck off - this is the 30th year of Donnington-based metallness after all. But Sonisphere has come to the UK with a global pedigree. It's cheaper, plus they're currently giving away free tickets to Sonisphere Poland with every weekend ticket to the UK event. The crazy futher muckers.

So what's it gonna be, Download? What have you got for us?

Please God, NOT My Chemical Romance again.

M
\m/

Time to retire?

A sad fact dawned upon me this week: I may be getting too old for the pit. I'm not suggesting that I won't be up for the mosh when the circle starts up but particularly at hardcore shows, it just takes me too long to recover nowadays. The catalyst to this thought process is the fact that my back still fucking kills after windmilling like a mental at Madball on Tuesday night. Sometimes needs must though, eh?

It was extraordinary seeing such a legendary hardcore band playing in my quiet little town. Their relative lack of popularity in my locale meant it was no problem to walk straight up to the stage, put the smack down in the pit, shake hands with frontman Freddy Cricien, and wander back to the bar. But even though me and the four chaps I was with were having an awesome time, the lack of serious crowd numbers was a bit embarrassing, to be honest. Kicking off their 20th anniversary tour in front of 50 people is probably not what Madball expected but to their credit, they didn't give it any less passion, with songs like Set It Off and 100% tearing the venue a new arsehole.

And fuck me they're a scary looking bunch of bastards.

One particular punter was on a mission to get smashed in the face in the pit. He requested I elbow him as hard as possible, which I politely declined as I feel he would have regretted it. Matey boy then walked round the pit with his face at waist level trying to catch a blow from a windmill. Next thing he was being dragged off of the floor by his mates. Mission accomplished buddy.

So thanks Madball, for making a fucking massive effort, even if my home town didn't.

The rumour mill has been churning and word on the street had been that the winner of this year's reality TV abomination The X Factor would be releasing Journey's Don't Stop Believin as their Christmas single. Folks, do not panic. It transpires that it's actually going to be some horrendous Miley Cyrus affair. I firmly believe this is because we, the metal, the rock, the alternative, rose up and made our voices heard - one example being 50,000 joined the Facebook group preventing it from happening, which is a great thing as if I heard one of the toothy little cunts ruining an epic anthem I will be forced to bear arms and kill indiscriminately.

And for all you unsigned mentals, Unbelievable Music UK are after unsigned talent for an online compilation they're doing in 2010 so contact them for more info - link in usual place, of course, you numpties.

It's the time of year/decade for top tens, so that's on my mind at present...watch this space for MADman's views in a couple of weeks. I know; you can hardly wait.

Take care of yourselves. And each other.

M
\m/

Punk's not dead

Last weekend really was the shit. Not only did I get to sample some upcoming British metal talent in the shape of Arxis and Snakebite but I also saw Rise Against, one of my favourite acts of all time, giving it plenty in Brixton. That, my friends, is what a weekend is all about.

Following on from witnessing Chicago's finest, I'm in a punk mood right now which essentially means listening to fuck loads of Leatherface, Pennywise and Lagwagon just like the old days. Plus, I'm off to see Madball next week which is going to be more punk that spitting on an ugly bird with a mohawk and tartan skin-tights. And whilst we're on the subject of muthafuckin' hardcore, I've recently encountered Rhinoceros, a straight-edge band from Buffalo. These guys are pure and simple, smash-your-face-in hardcore so go have a listen (link's in the list, of course).

But as with all of my recent posts, I've got to be serious briefly. Legendary metal frontman and pioneer of the "metal horns" Ronnie James Dio has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. They've caught it early doors so things are looking okay but still, spare a thought for the crazy little mentalist.

On the up side, the best news I've heard this week though is that Stone Sour are heading back to the studio in January for a spring release of their third album. Hopefully this means we can expect to see them at Download 2010 as ol' Corey does love the event. I'm going to have to immerse myself in either class A drug smuggling or white slave trafficking to afford a couple of tickets this year. Or sell my pants of eBay. Seemingly people like that shit. I'll just pretend I'm a lesbian teenager and we're all set.

Finally, massive fucking horns up to local metallers Echovirus for getting onto the Hammerfest 2010 bill. I'm a big fan of these guys (check out my post from July 7th, 'Infectious 'Virus') and they're a worthy additional to the line-up. Good work gentlemen.

I now need to get a sausage and egg bap because as usual, I have a fucking huge hangover.

M

\m/

Thrashing loveliness

You know there's thrash metal? You know there are some pioneers of thrash metal? How would you feel if three of the biggest names were touring together? Would it excite you? If so, time to move to the USA to catch the forthcoming tour of Megadeth, Testament and Slayer. There's been rumours of a big four thrash tour including Anthrax and Metallica for some time but in real world terms, this is as good as it's going to get. Rest assured though, this tour is more than likely going to hit these shores in 2010, probably in time for festival season.

And talking of festival season, Download 2010 tickets went on sale yesterday - unfortunately I haven't got the spare £270 for mine and Hot Chick's ticket at present but the discount's running until Christmas Eve, so I'm going out mugging tonight to see what I can do. The best thing about the Download ticket announcement is the headliner speculation kicks off, which generally involves Slayer, AC/DC and Led Zeppelin. At present, I'm going to suggest:

Friday: Rammstein
Saturday: Bon Jovi
Sunday: Green Day

Can't wait for the first complaints when the top billers are announced in January/February. Hopefully this year the moaners will fuck off to Hammerfest, Bloodstock or Hard Rock Hell - the UK's got plenty of metal festivals after all.

On the subject of brutal hardcore metal, one of my all-time favourite bands HIM are providing us with the latest installment of their "love metal" whitterings in February next year, entitled Screamworks: Love In Theory & Practice. This is supported with a UK tour that as of yet has no London date but before the 16-year-old girls start slicing at their wrists, this will only be down to sorting a venue. And for those of you who hate the soft shit, pyramid-inspired insaniacs Nile are playing in London on December 15th with support from such pop starlets as Krisiun, Grave, Ulcerate and Corpus Mortale. One for all the family.

As an aside, I'm loving the fact that not only did Shithouse text me from his motor whilst doing 110mph to tell me he was listening to DevilDriver yesterday, but I also bumped into a bloke I didn't know who was wearing an I Could Fucking Care Less sleeveless in my home town. 'Driver world domination continues...

I'm off to review the new GWAR album; I really don't think there's enough talk of dead or retarded babies in the world nowadays.

M
\m/

Brutality and goats

Metal is a funny old thing. To the general public, 'metal' is quite simply 'heavy metal'. Only those in the know or sad losers like me have even an inkling of sludge, grind, death, groove, thrash, black, goregrind, mathcore, pornogrind, folk, and so on and so forth. But this week even I was taken aback by goatgrind. I mean, there are some fucked up genres of music in this world but listening to Milking The Goatmachine's Back From The Goats really took things to a new level. They're not wholly serious, as you would imagine but the music is savagely heavy and I can see them developing quite a following amongst the underground mentallists of the metal scene. I reviewed the album for MetalasFuck so go there if you want to find out more.

At the other end of the metallic spectrum I've been given the opportunity to interview culture-transcending troupe the Brutal Ballet Company. Instead of pink tutus and lace, this collective of lasses from Australia perform traditional ballet dressed in PVC with white contacts and corpse paint, and rather than Tchaikovsky they move to the dulcet tones of Dethklok, performed by a live tribute band. Nice. I can't say too much more at this stage but it got me thinking, what other traditional dance styles could take a metal turn? Could the little bells and bits of wood be replaced by animal bones and weighty clubs for Viking Metal Morris Dancing? Could the flowing dresses and tight leather trousers be replaced by lacy basques and spiked chaps for Norwegian Death Salsa? The opportunities are truly endless.

In other news I've been completely overawed by ChthoniC this week, particularly the immensely dark and uncompromisingly heavy 49 Theurgy Chains. The Taiwanese quintet play some of the darkest, heaviest black metal I've heard for fucking ages so any fans of the genre should click on the link in my list and check them out. They combine the nastiness of the Scandinavian sound with the use of traditional Taiwanese instruments, which produces shit hot results. I think the name is meant to be pronounced like 'sonic' but I have no fucking idea. All I know are there are yet another example of insane noisemakers from the Far Eastern part of this lowly planet. Girly trio Gallhammer produce some horrendous heaviness, and Dir En Grey take the insanity of Rammstein and versatility of Slipknot or Nine Inch Nails to produce absolutely epic works. And let's not forget Fat Wreck Chord's finest Hi-Standard - their cover of California Dreamin' is still one of my favourite covers of all time. If you haven't heard it, you have an enormous hole in your life.

Now to create more brutal subgenres of metal. Keep your eyes peeled for banjogrind...

M
\m/

People suck, labels rule

It's generally accepted that as a metaller, punk, goth, whatever, you're going to get looked at. People will make comments, you might get the odd snigger but that's all part of the fun, isn't it? I love getting a reaction from people and I think if you're reading this blog, you probably do too.

What really grinds my gears is arseholes. Not actual arseholes, for they are simply a functional orifice. I mean arseholes who decide it's okay to assault women on her wedding day because she's got pink hair. Last weekend, Lucy Emmingham and her new hubby were leaving their wedding reception, at which point she got pushed down a flight of concrete stairs by three cunts, then beaten and kicked, leaving her in a real state. I've put a link to the article in my list, please have a read. After Sophie Lancaster, you'd hope people would have learned a lesson.

Apologies for the immensely heavy opening to this post but it needed to be said!

And now onto the usual nonsensical babblings...

I've just finished a list of questions for an interview with Australian melodic metallers Voyager which I'll be writing up on MetalasFuck in the not too distant future. I'm keen to find out who they think would win in a fight between them and A-Ha as I'm sure you all are (don't worry, that will make sense once the interview's published). I can't make up my mind about Voyager. Part of me thinks it's decent, crisp metal but the other part of me thinks it's a bit fucking weedy. Not that everything needs 800bpm double kick and vocals that would set off your nan's arthritis but a bit of guts is always good.

I'm a big fan of record labels this week. Roadrunner have kind distributed Awake, a track from Mutiny Within's debut album. It's an awesome mix of blastbeats and metalcore; if the rest of the album turns out this good, happy fucking days. Also, Earache have decided that Gama Bomb's new album should be given away free so if you're a fan of thrashing like a spastic in three minute bursts, click on the link, get some beers in and enjoy.

Until next time...

M
\m/

Fun in public toilets

I like Guinness a lot. The rich, silky, slightly metallic taste, the deep, peaty aroma; everything about it is right. Problem is, the day after indulging in a number of these darkened treats you tend to feel like you're being violently raped in the head by a moose whilst having to control a stomach hell bent of leaving your arse with kidneys, liver and eyeballs in tow.

To summarise, I have a hangover. But lo, good things have happened this week, the main being New York hardcore legends Madball announcing a 20th anniversary UK tour, which inexplicably includes a 250-capacity converted public toilet about five minutes from my flat. Combine this with a couple of tickets to see Trivium in March 2010, supported by the awesome Chimaira and unbelievably brutal Whitechapel and all in all, happy fucking days.

It's largely accepted that liking Trivium is uncool amongst the metal elitist penises but I'll say it loud and proud - I really like Trivium (fair enough that wasn't particularly loud but it's the best I can muster). Having seen them a number of times, including a tiny London gig that raised the bar hugely("And then it happened...again", December 12th 2008), they always put on an awesome show so fuck you, alright? This being said, my main reason for bruising the ol' credit card is Whitechapel. Ever since hearing This Is Exile and almost starting to cry due to it's sheer savagery, I've been keen to see if the over-stringed guitar weilders can do the same at a live show. Most folks say yes but until it's proven, I'm reserving judgement.

As I'm a lucky bastard, I've secured a copy of Amon Amarth's Versus the World Reissue, which if it's anything like The Crusher Reissue, is going to peel my face of and replace it with the severed beard of a fallen Viking warlord.

If I may rant briefly, I'm pissed off with Atreyu. The new album Congregation of the Damned was released this week and being a bit gay for Atreyu, I got a substantial sense of scrotal tightening when I saw that for one day only, the album was available for download at the handsome price of $3.99. I don't normally download albums as I like everything about CDs (which I suppose is old fashioned now?) but for £1.50, I'd have to be an indescribable cunt not to, eh? So I set up the Amazon download tool thingy, clicked on "buy", did all that nonsense, only to be informed that the offer was only open to the USA. Rubbish. So if anyone from Atreyu is reading this (ha!) send me a copy or I'll whinge further. Or I'll just go and buy it, to be honest.

Oh, and cheers to the folk at Rock Radio for thinking my shit is good enough to have on their site - my blog on there will be updated a couple of times a month with yet more insightful wonderings from an opinionated drunk. There's a load of other cool shit on there so click on the link and have a gander.

Got to run - Guinness revenge.

Ciao

M

\m/

He's his father's son

It's got to be hard following in the footsteps of a hugely successful metal parent. Fair enough, former fatty Jack Osbourne has done alright for himself and his barely-stomachable sister is rarely out of the tabloids but aside from them, there ain't millions to choose from.

With this in mind it was with a sense of trepidation that I listened to the new song The Slaughter from Incite. Fronted by the spawn of iconic vocalist Max Cavalera's own balls, Incite have the benefit and disadvantage of a phenomenal metal pedigree. Thankfully, Richie Cavalera manages to emulate his father effectively without being either a carbon copy or a spastic try-hard. This three-minute neckbreaker doesn't change the world musically or vocally but for a debut, it definitely confirms that Incite are one to watch.

After seeing Malefice support DevilDriver last week, I got my hands on their latest offering, Dawn of Reprisal, which is growing on me. Hatred Justified and As I Bleed sound somewhere between Lamb of God and Killswitch Engage - the melodic singing is definitely going to divide people. Not that metallers are opinionated...

In other news, Rammstein sold out Wembley, which is no mean feat. Can't fucking wait. On the subject of German obscurity, I've been tucking into some Teutonic punk in the shape of Kneipenterroristen. I have no idea what they're singing about, what the song titles are, but what I do know is they're a mix of Meteors-esque psychobilly and early Rancid and catchy as fuck. And a German punk version of Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire is always worth a listen. I'm pretty sure the album is all covers but can't find anything about this mob on the 'net so any info, holla at yo' MADman.

And whilst we're talking covers, AFI have decided, perhaps unwisely to cover David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust. The links in the list. In my humble opinion, it's pretty fucking feeble.

Off to see Juliette Lewis tonight - I bought tickets for Hot Chick as she's been dragged to a ton of brutality of late, so it's only right. I'm not filling my pants with excitement but I'm still keen to see what Ms. Lewis can come up with.

Laters masturbaters

M

\m/

Another night in London

You may, or indeed may not, have noticed that of late, I've been updating Metal Harmony on a Friday. I think it's nice to give both of you readers something to look forward to so fear not; an end of week post will follow but I swear to Randy Blythe if I don't tell someone about Saturday's DevilDriver gig my testicles will implode.

A 17:00 (that's 5pm for the special needs kids) start is early as fuck for a metal show but not wanting to miss Malefice, me and Hot Chick arrived as the doors opened. Unfortunately, this coincided with tens of thousands of Arsenal fans leaving Highbury so the atmosphere was a touch tense. However, we got into the Relentless Garage (sounds like the worst club night in history) and straight to the bar for a welcome pint of Tuborg. Yes, it's shit lager but it tastes like Download so LET ME HAVE MY MEMORIES!

Hailing from the bleak wastelands of Berkshire, Malefice kicked off in front of a room that can't have been more than about 40% full, which was a shame as they were pretty fucking solid. Frontman Dale Butler's got a decent death/thrash style and they opened up the evening extremely well. They were by no means extraordinary and I was surprised to learn they've been around for six years but no matter; they still got some heads nodding.

After the roadies had finished clearing the stage for Trigger The Bloodshed, we realised the roadies were Trigger The Bloodshed. Dressed in matching sleeveless black numbers, this collective of young, fresh-faced laddies started by standing in a line with their backs to the crowd in a manner that suggested we were about to hear something more akin to the the Backstreet Boys than Cannibal Corpse. And then it kicked in and yes, they're pretty heavy but the fact that vocalist Jonny Burgan had no sound whatsoever made his wild facial contortions and demonic stares all look a bit laughable. But they shredded out a solid musical performance which got a rudimentary pit going. I bought Jonny a Jaeger after their set as he was sitting on their merch stand looking knackered, and he was a thoroughly nice chap.

And so cometh Suicide Silence. This mob are pretty popular at present and according to a mate of mine, would fucking own the show. The problem was, the sound still kept cocking up and despite the fact that Mitch Lucker sounds like somewhere between a cat giving birth and a gorilla raping a meat grinder when he sings, the atmosphere never quite reached the frenzy I was expecting. There were a few bods in their Suicide Silence t-shirts giving it plenty in the middle but I was still standing about 15 feet from the stage without my pint getting so much as nudged. I'll see them again before I pass judgement though, as No Time To Bleed was pretty fucking brutal.

By now I've had a few beers, said my cursory "hello" to Metal Hammer's Alexander Milas and have purchased my merch, so all is going well. Behemoth take to the stage after what has to be the lengthiest drum tech test I have ever seen - seriously, the dude just sat there and blasted on and off for about half an hour, whilst an atmospheric soundtrack of wind and general weather-type shit came over the PA. Once they'd taken to the stage though, it was worth the wait. They've been on the scene for about 20 years so the Polish mentalists know how to work a room of this size although vocalist Adam Darski's shout of "let me see your cunting horns!" did sound ridiculous. However, there's no denying that Darski's voice was the best so far and the synchronised windmills brought even more atmosphere to what was turning into a savagely evil set. Behemoth recently had their video to "Ov Fire and Void" banned by YouTube (it's still in my "Cool Shit" list though") but combine this with the sheer number of Behemoth shirts there on the night and a confirmed slot at Bloodstock's 10-year-anniversary festival next year and I can see a lot more from this mob in the coming months.

But enough of all this bollocks, onto the point of this post. One or two of you may know that I'm a bit of a DevilDriver fan. I had, however, promised Hot Chick that I'd refrain from the pit having fucked my back up royally during a Throwdown pit earlier in the week. So when Dez Fafara and the boys came out and opened with End of the Line, I dutifully handed Hot Chick my beer and went fucking ballistic. The pit went from a bit of a murmur to an absolute onslaught of fists, legs, teeth, knees, and I'm pretty sure I saw a couple of bollocks rolling across the floor. As a 14-stone skinhead, it was my duty to use the youngsters in the pit as a stepladder, enabling me to surf my way to the front for an awesome manly handshake with Dez - what a fucking moment. The pit didn't stop once as they ripped through numbers like Hold Back The Day, Pray for Villains and of course Clouds Over California. Another highlight from me was the fact that they played Nothing Wrong, the first song off of their eponymous debut album - considering they didn't hit the big time until the third album this was an awesome inclusion in the setlist.

The pace slowed for I've Been Sober but the intensity remained, and when Dez informed us that they were filming the video for Another Night In London that very night, and guaranteed it would never be played anywhere other than in London, the pit exploded like a Peter North facial. I managed to get my carcass up onto the crowd three times and when I came down on the second occasion, there were cameras rolling - I swear here and now, if I'm in that video, I'll cry like a gay watching Bambi.

Once the set had finished, I felt fulfilled. I felt that the whole of this year had been leading to this gig. Not only did a man with tattoos of 9mm handguns on his head compliment my tattoos, not only did I get a few beers in me, not only did I see five heavy-as-fuck bands for less than a score, not only did I crowd surf harder than I ever have before, and get kudos off of the lead singer of my favourite band for it, not only did I do a Jaeger with an upcoming death metal band...I could go on...

Needless to say that 2009 is dead now. Nothing can beat this. And 2010? Okay, Lamb of God, Hatebreed and Machine Head are all going to have a good crack at it but to top this gig is going to be a fucking chore.

I'll enjoy seeing bands try though.

I'm off to eat my dinner.

M
\m/

Hardcore and prescription medicine

So Monday finally arrived and after a substantial drought in the land of giggage, I once again got to feel the sweaty embrace of other men in the wondrous pit at Daath/Throwdown/Unearth/Chimaira at London's Electric Ballroom. My hardcore ally Si-KO couldn't make it so there I was, all by myself, drinking snakebite and black and trying to avoid the world's drunkest man from emptying the contents of his pint glass and stomach into my hoody.

Daath opened proceedings with the room at about 40% capacity yet lead singer Sean Zatorsky, who looks like something between Jesus and a heroin tramp, managed to get a pretty noticeable pit going within a couple of songs, as well as gesticulating that their guitarist was a total wanker during one extended solo. Their hardcore-mit-death style set an awesome pace for the evening and with the aid of the ol' snakey 'n' blacks I felt my head start to nod.

Since hearing Venom and Tears and Haymaker, and catching a bit of their live set at Download 2008, I've been keen on a bit of Throwdown so thought this would be a good time to chug a couple of pints and get involved in the pit. Down to the front I went with pockets rammed with t-shirt, phone, MP3, travel card, hoody round my waste, and shoes adequately secured after the Rise Against incident ("The pits", March 10th 2009). I cannot remember a single song they played apart from Holy Roller as to be honest, I was too busy going retard-fuck-spazzingly mental. The pit wasn't as mad as something like Machine Head but it was well executed, concentrated bursts of violence. Dave Peters and I made eye contact long enough for my hand gestures and shouts of "CIRCLE PIT" to get a the big man's approval, and so the bedlam continued. A burst of songs from Vendetta and new album Deathless were complimented by Peters' constant crowd surfing and encouraging those underneath him to help out with some of the singing (well, shouting). And then it ended and I realised I was beyond knackered. Too old for this shit.

Standing at the bar afterwards, a couple of lads came up to me and said "mate, you were going mental at the front!" - yes, yes I was kids. For I have done this sort of thing before. They then pointed out I had blood on my face; a quick check for injuries revealed it wasn't mine. Yummy.

Whilst surviving the pit for Throwdown's whole set was awesome, I was a wee bit worse for wear on the other side so decided to have a little rest for Unearth, who played an absolutely punishing few numbers, taking songs from The Oncoming Storm and even further back, whilst frontman Trevor Phipps managed to keep the insane bastards still in the pit going fucking ballistic, encouraging them to get over the top (much to the annoyance of the security guards). Drummer Derek Kerswill's kick was so brutal that I regularly felt I was going to shit my pants and being as this wasn't a GG Allin gig, I thought that may have been frowned upon.

I was talking to Alexander Milas from Metal Hammer in the beautiful smoking area when I realised I was rapidly approaching the threshold of "better fuck off or you're not getting home sunshine" so had to duck out after Chimaira had only played four songs. Which frankly sucked, as the room was off the chizz-ain. With Darude's 90s trance number Sandstorm playing erroneously over the PA just before Fuck Your Power Trip kicked in, shoes, spit, blood, bodies, everything was flying all over the shop and vocalist Mark Hunter was genuinely humbled by the scene.

On the plus side, Chimaira are playing with Whitechapel and Trivium in March so at least I'll be able to catch a full set then.

All I can say is "fuck me". The absolute fury of these bands on stage created one of the most volatile, high-intensity rooms I've ever been in. But despite this, and with the exception of one guy getting chinned by a complete cunt in the pit, there was no hint of anything nasty outside the circle. A fucking top show by fucking top bands. Good work; carry on.

So the floodgates have opened. Tomorrow is Malefice, Behemoth, Suicide Silence, Trigger the Bloodshed and the mighty godlike DevilDriver. The one problem is that due to my hardcore mental pit monkey slam gnarliness, I've fucked my back up big time. Sleep for the last two nights has been aided by beer and Diazepam, which go together like razor blades and aspirin, so happy days. But once Dez and the boys get going, I'm not sure there's going to be anything that'll fix me afterwards.

I'm off to do some calisthenics. Either that or my next post will probably from my wheelchair.

Political Metal

This week I had the honour and privilege of listening to the new album from Bakteria, eloquently entitled Defecate! Suffocate! Mutilate! Masturbate! And sure enough, songs such as Hospital Fuck Fest and Shit On My Pubes have to rank alongside early Bob Dylan in terms of social relevance and sheer resonance with a generation experiencing it's first major economic downturn.

Metal and politics have a huge amount in common, although there's probably more cunts in politics. I say "probably" because metal's got Axl Rose and Aaron Lewis from Stain'd. But there are clearly parallels to be made. Exhibit 1: Tony Blair came into power in 1997 as an absolute revelation, a complete about-turn for UK politics. Young, ambitious, and full of guts. A decade on, most people think he's a bit of an over-rated tool. Slipknot's debut in 1999 was a blend of then-current nu-metal and downright savage brutality. They were pissed off folk from the arse end of nowhere and spoke to a new generation of metallers. A decade on, they've still got their fans but as far as the metal elitists are concerned...wait for it...all hope is gone.

But the comparisons are everywhere.

Tony Benn - grizzled, old, been there from day one, always stuck to his guns, absolute legend. Iron Maiden, anyone?

David Cameron - young, says all the right things to try to appeal to floating voters young and old but in essence, there's a significant lack of innovation and has nothing of any real depth about him whatsoever - Bring Me The Horizon, come on down.

The entire Liberal Democrat party - always been in the background, the policies are theoretically sound but let's face it; they're never going to run the country - Saxon, please step forward.

Which leaves us with the Political Download Festival; Labour on main stage, Conservatives on the second, Lib Dems in the tent and the Greens, Natural Law and other bizarre people who would shit twice and die if they were ever given any form of responsibility on the unsigned stage.

I think our global overlords would benefit from some time in the pit. Chuck the G20 leaders into a circle whilst DevilDriver are playing Clouds Over California, or face them off in a wall of death during Lamb of God's Redneck and I swear on my silky smooth scrotum they'd all be best mates at the bar afterwards. I reckon Obama, clearly the most gregarious of the collective, would be the first man to chug a Jaeger and surf his way to the front. Clearly Burlusconi would be the one inserting things into strippers whilst sniffing cocaine of the buttcheeks of a mother & daughter groupie combo.

So here's my suggestion; rise up kids, take back control. Let's put Bruce Dickinson in as Prime Minister, Rob Halford as Chancellor of the Exchequer and Brian Johnson as Home Secretary.

We have the power. Vote "yes" to metal.

Ah, memories...

You know what sucks? Not being a teenager anymore. Me and Si-KO were talking at work the other day about the simpler, happier times. I know this is Metal Harmony but allow me this brief digression into the world of 90's punkness...

During my spotty, bumfluffed years there was a massive group of us who used to hang around our country market town with our skateboards, smoking roll-up cigarettes and generally looking immensely badass. I'd like to point out early doors that, despite having a skateboard, I was without exception the shittest skater ever to grace the earth. I think I successfully jumped, or "ollied" (fuck I'm a loser) a kerb on one occasion in about two years. I also fell off once after hitting a leaf. Yes, a leaf.

The bare essentials to be in our righteous cartel were:

Spiky hair (my mum wouldn't let me dye it green)
Skateboard
Wallet on at least one chain
Some kind of bracelet
A 12.5g packet of Amber Leaf/Cutters Choice/whatever tobacco came with free papers
A 16th of solid cannabis resin, normally full of plastic

And then we get to the music. A million people will have a million opinions about what's classified as skate punk so please feel free to leave a bitching and whining comment but for us, it was all about NOFX, Lagwagon, Ten Foot Pole, No Use For A Name, Propagandhi, Strung Out, Millencolin, and some more old school stuff like The Misfits, Black Flag, and so on. For me, I've got to say that The Offspring's S.M.A.S.H has to be up there as Self-Esteem is one of my favourite tunes of all time

Me and Big Mearz used to spend all our hard borrowed cash on everything Fat Wreck Chords had to offer - he got some absolute shitters but most of the time, the music was exactly what we wanted; full of energy, always catchy, often retarded (please see Diesel Boy's Titty Twister) and absolutely fucking awesome. We even made the long arduous journey from the East Anglian countryside to London aged 14(ish) to catch a Lagwagon/N.U.F.A.N double-header which was one of the best gigs ever.

So what's the point of this post? Why the arse-suckling fuck should you give a rat's vulva about my youth? In a nutshell, you probably shouldn't. But listening to these songs for the first time in years reminded me of a fucking ace time in my life. Metal is clearly my passion, and nothing gets my bumps goosed quite like a bit of serious thrash and double-kick mayhem. However, if I listen to Lagwagon's Violins or Undeclinable Ambuscade's 7 Years I can help but get a wee skip to my step.

Now I'm gonna jump on my deck, go spend £10 on weed and sit in the park drinking cider.

All in favour, say "I".

Hello darkness, my old friend

Thank fuck October's nearly here. I love summer, I really do - drinking in the sunshine, barbeques, walking around in just your underwear - but due to the wealth of festivals, summer is a fucking terrible gig season. Much as I'd love to be at everything from Bloodstock to Wacken, my financially spasticated self has to select one, and only one, event to attend.

But lo, the long days have fucked off and the darkness prevails. And in a couple of weeks, it all kicks off with Throwdown and Chimaira, which will provide my mate Si-KO and I with a much needed outlet for controlled vio-lence. And then the flood gates open to a whole host of awesome nights out.

Exciting times.

Anyway, my clearly superior but bankrupting social calendar aside, good things are happening in the world of metal. I've got my hands on a copy of the new Austrian Death Machine album, Double Brutal, which no doubt the Red Wizard and I will be quoting and pissing ourselves about in the imminent future. I'd also like to formally recommend Hail Of Bullets to any of you lovely fuckers who dwell on the borders of metal and hardcore. Their latest outing, Warsaw Rising, is some pretty intense listening.

In addition, for lovers of the harder side of life, Molotov Solution's The Harbinger has vocals somewhere in between everyone's favourite animal-loving veggie Barney Greenway and German eye-linered anger merchant Andreas Dorner from Caliban. The album can be streamed free, link is on my "Cool Shit" list. Listening to this on my walk to work made me want to start a fight with a bus so be ready for a fucking war.

On to the old school. In rather predictable news, KISS are shortlisted for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame...I assumed they'd already be there but I guess I'm thick as a fat bird's heel skin. The shortlist also includes the Red Hot Chili Peppers - I know Hot Chick's gonna shit fire when I say this but "what the fuck???". Good band, don't get me wrong, but on a par with KISS? Un-feckin-likely.

AC/DC fans be aware - their launching a new site (link in the usual spot) for some kind of announcement on September 29th. Any guesses? I'm fucked if I know. Maybe Brian Johnson's getting a hip replaced.

Oh, and for those of you who didn't know, my first column has gone live on MetalasFuck, so go and read it or so help me God I'll have you gang banged by Rammstein. I'm also moonlighting on BornInBlood.com, so there's also a link to my review of Fleshkraft's debut album First Harvest.

I must dash; have to GET TO THE CHOPPER! (get it?)

M
\m/

I have a dicker

Today is a good day. Not only am I drinking horrendously strong Scottish ales early in the afternoon but it's been confirmed; I have tickets for Rammstein's Wembley gig in February 2010.

However, it's time for me to be honest with you, my little sex pests, as I don't actually own any of Rammstein's back catalogue. I know, I know, it's unacceptable. As a metaller, I should have an extensive arsenal of material by the Teutonic mentalisers but alas, 'tis not so. This being said, I am still a massive fan of the work I've heard, which amounts to a fair ol' number of songs over the years. But one of the things I like the most about Rammstein is their complete disregard for taste and decency.

In terms of music videos, Rammstein offer the most surreal celluloid experiences I've ever experienced.

Item 1: Sonne
Till Lindemann et al are involved in some kind of Snow White-style episode, complete with pneumatic drills and dwarf spanking

Item 2: Mann Gegen Man
Our German friends get naked, put on some thigh high boots, oil themselves up and wrestle with muscly men. Potentially the least sexy thing I've seen in the entire world ever.

Their latest effort, Pussy, takes things to a whole new level though. Whilst it ain't particularly bizarre, it does involve some intense anal/vaginal/oral attention and climaxes in, well, 'climaxes'. I won't spoil it but if you're alone and feeling the need for self-abuse, I've put the link in my 'Cool Shit' list.

So a big shout out to my main man Sound Pete for getting the German grotmonsters tickets sorted; I'd have done it myself but I'm spending some time with my in-laws at present, which involves eating huge amounts of Scottish beef and drinking ale with an alcohol content similar to Oliver Reed's piss. Hence the reason this post is a bit all over the shop...

Unfortunately my bottle is empty so I need to replenish before I sober up for the first time in about 72 hours.

Auf wiedersehen fürs erste...