Our pain

Me and Hot Chick have been together for many years now, married for half of them, and it's fair to say our life together has been perfect in every way. A few months ago it was made even more perfect when we found out that there was going to be an addition to our family.

With our little one on the way, we've been spending the last few months preparing. The crib is sorted, the Download Dog stuffed toy was ready and thanks to one of our best friends, the kid's AC/DC T-shirt is ironed and ready. Hot Chick's even compiled the songs she wanted played at the hospital come the big day despite the fact it's a few months off. She likes to plan, does my other half.

Last week we went to the doctors for our first glimpse of the kiddy which, as I'm sure many of you can testify, is a pretty exciting time. As we were called in, my heart was hammering away like Derek Roddy's kick drums and I had the constant, overwhelming desire to take a shit.

My wife lay down on the table, we held hands and smiled, and the ultrasound was passed over her. The midwife then stoically informed us that she couldn't find a heartbeat. After a second midwife came in to confirm, we were told our baby had died.

Needless to say our hearts broke at that very instant. Nothing could prepare us for the indescribable pain and overwhelming sense of loss.

I remember when we found out about the pregnancy I cast a cursory eye to the sky and flippantly said "right God, here's your chance to make me believe - please make everything okay". So, if there is indeed a God, he's a total fucking arsehole. This experience is the final nail in the coffin of religion for me. No omnipotent deity would ever allow such pain to be bestowed upon good people. I've lead a good life; I give to charity, I love and respect my family, I've never committed a [serious] crime, I help old people cross the road, I help people carry heavy bags up stairs, and I will continue to do so but not with the vague notion that by doing good, goods thing will happen to me. That's all bullshit. Karma, religion, it can all fuck off with it's retarded nonsense.

Seeing my wife in a hospital bed in preparation for an operation to remove our dead child, crying, doubled over in pain, bleeding; nothing in my life will be worse than that. Nothing could compare to how useless and superfluous I felt. I always want to make things better, fix things, but this was one thing that I could do fuck all about.

Some smart fucker once said "time is a great healer". And they're right. It's been over a week since our missed miscarriage and subsequent operation and although we cry every day, things are getting better. We have amazing families, our friends are second to none but more importantly, we're in it together.

Sorry for the lack of metal this week but this has been incredibly cathartic.

Thanks for reading.

M
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