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Friday, 21 January 2011

How does one define "a tool"?

Vince Neil. What a cunt.

I love a bit of Motley Crue; I'd go so far as to say they were one of the greatest rock and roll bands of all time. I've enjoyed Nikki Sixx's Heroin Diaries and found The Dirt to be a compelling albeit ridiculous read. The Crue boys have done some crazy shit in their lives but all the sex, drugs and questionable trouser choices resulted in more than one nasty situation. Obviously Sixx dying a couple of times is one of them. However, more specifically Vince Neil's decision to drive when hugely drunk, resulting in the untimely death of Hanoi Rocks drummer Razzle.

Obviously this isn't breaking news. However, I found out a couple of days back that Neil will be pleading guilty to drink driving charges when he appears in court on January 26th, which has genuinely pissed me off.

"Hey, that's rock and roll, man!" No, it's not. Driving a Rolls Royce into a swimming pool is rock and roll. Throwing a TV out of a window is rock and roll. Getting done for drink driving is what happens to sad old men and teenage idiots. Getting done for drink driving when you've killed someone in the past? What an arsehole. So members of Motley don't have enough money for taxis? Or was he trying to impress yet another big-titted teenager with his vehicular wealth?

He's looking at a custodial sentence of 15 days. 15 days inside? Are you fucking kidding? Even I, with my smooth chest and pert ass could manage that.

Anyone who has grown up in the countryside or a small town, or anything other than a thriving megalopolis with significant transport links knows at least one kid from school who died whilst drunk driving. But to be responsible for the death of another and not learn a lesson from it? You really have to be some sort of cunt.

Have a word with yourself Vince, you ungrateful dick.


Friday, 14 January 2011

A letter

"To whom it may concern,

Can I start with a very basic, simple point; Devildriver are a heavy band. I'd go one step further and suggest they're a fucking heavy band. Call them thrash metal, groove metal, call them anal leakage metal for all I care but it simply isn't up for debate that Devildriver are a heavy, metal band.

But lo, upon the release of the devastatingly metal new single Dead to Rights this week from forthcoming album Beast, the thumb-sucking trouser soilers of the Interweb yet again began their crusade to prove everything apart from Deicide is radio-friendly pop music. And of course, Dez Fafara's tenure as frontman of nu metal clowns Coal Chamber means he can no longer be taken seriously as a vocalist. Oh, hang on, haven't Devildriver produced five crushing albums and toured relentlessly for the last nine years? Yes, they have. Comparing Coal Chamber and Devildriver is like comparing a weekend in Blackpool with a Cocker Spaniel.

Devildriver aren't everyone's cup of tea, which I fine, but by the hairs on my low-hanging left bollock they are a metal band. A fucking great metal band. The kind of metal band that gets big, sweaty, tattooed scumbags running around in circles pits the size of football pitches. The kind of metal band that plays every live show with a cock-out passion and fire often omitted by bigger 'heroes' of the genre. And to be quite honest, if you can't see or didn't already know this then you, sir or madam, are a fucking buffoon.

Kindest regards,

Friday, 7 January 2011

Out with the old, in with the old

Happy New Year and all that bollocks, I hope you all had a suitably pleasant festive period filled with merriment, alcohol abuse and occasional inappropriate fumblings.

I must have been good this year, as I received a fantastic array of goodness from Santa Claus's sack...but terrible jokes about a jolly fat man in a red onesy aside, Christmas was a good haul. A highlight was receiving the Ensiferum Victory Songs/Dragonhead double album from my mum and dad who, with a combined age nudging 120, are now receiving emails from Amazon recommending Trigger The Bloodshed and Megadeth. This officially makes my parents awesome.

Bro Dude also excelled himself buy procuring me a pretty much mint vinyl copy of Def Leppard's Hysteria and Dio's The Next In Line. Also in my stocking, however, was an album that can only be described as phenomenal. Not only is the track list amazing but the title and artwork is just...well, see for yourself:

Axe Anthems, vol. 2 is the best album cover I have ever seen. I took this opinion to Twitter and was soon conversing with fellow metalhead Iain (follow him at @Dizzydalek). He couldn't believe that there was a volume 2, being himself in possession of the original:

Whilst the Axe Attack series is clearly as rock as it gets, the pinnacle of heavy metal album covers must surely be this, another of Iain's collection:

A metal robot with metal tits riding a metal horse that's shooting lasers from it's eyes? You'd better believe it. These three albums alone exemplify why just downloading music files from the Internet is boring; a JPEG thumbnail of cover art is hardly comparable to a 144-square inch picture of two men in vests fighting with guitars now, is it?? Iain is also the brains behind Cack Blabbath so head on over there too; tell him MADman sent you.

So with a week down and 51 more to go, I'm pretty excited about this year. Tonnes of good music on the way, both live and recorded, lots of new developments with Metal Harmony, no doubt shit loads of hangovers, and the continuation of my crusade to convince people in my office that metal is better than the shit they listen to. Cannot fucking wait. 2011, bring it on.

Much love,