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Friday, 27 July 2012

Olympics baby

Today is the day that the whole world, excluding most of London, has been waiting for; the official start of the London Olympics. With the population of the capital set to swell to almost 20 million and the weather ranging from fucking hot to fucking hot and raining, it's going to be a truly uncomfortable experience for us machine-dwelling corporate cogs. However, imminent catastrophic collapse of the transport infrastructure aside, it should be a pretty good party for a couple of weeks and the commemorate this historic occasions, Metal Harmony will run through what has happened in the inaugural Metal Olympricks event. Nu Metal Penis Marathon Early favourite Fred Durst put in a strong peperformance in the opening stages but a surprise distraction when a spectator shouted 'oi, cunty hat' allowed Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope to overtake and settle into a comfortable lead. However, the final miles in this weather meant that their clown paint sweated off and as the rules of the games clearly state that competitors must finish in full regalia, a Juggalo pitstop allowed Shifty Shellshock to overtake and cross the line into the arms of some shorties. 400m Sprint Out Of Own Arse Lars Ulrich found himself in trouble before the race even started having tied his trainers far too tight, and they subsequently sounded ridiculous when hitting the asphalt. Dave Mustaine, originally in the 400m, was disgruntled to be in the 200m and explained to journalists how the 400m was better when he was in the qualifying round. Odds on favourite Axl Rose failed to arrive. 100m Confusingly Overrated Sprint Steel Panther failed a drugs test as they didn't realise that doping was not funny and really had no place whatsoever in the current games. Linkin Park also faced disqualification for failing to wear relevant shoes, shorts, t-shirts, and bore literally no resemblance to an entrant in the race at all. It was then left to Muse to steal the gold after an overblown entrance that led to a middle of the road plod over the finish line. Congratulations to everyone who took part. Time to avoid some tourists. M \m/

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