Hello darkness, my old friend

Thank fuck October's nearly here. I love summer, I really do - drinking in the sunshine, barbeques, walking around in just your underwear - but due to the wealth of festivals, summer is a fucking terrible gig season. Much as I'd love to be at everything from Bloodstock to Wacken, my financially spasticated self has to select one, and only one, event to attend.

But lo, the long days have fucked off and the darkness prevails. And in a couple of weeks, it all kicks off with Throwdown and Chimaira, which will provide my mate Si-KO and I with a much needed outlet for controlled vio-lence. And then the flood gates open to a whole host of awesome nights out.

Exciting times.

Anyway, my clearly superior but bankrupting social calendar aside, good things are happening in the world of metal. I've got my hands on a copy of the new Austrian Death Machine album, Double Brutal, which no doubt the Red Wizard and I will be quoting and pissing ourselves about in the imminent future. I'd also like to formally recommend Hail Of Bullets to any of you lovely fuckers who dwell on the borders of metal and hardcore. Their latest outing, Warsaw Rising, is some pretty intense listening.

In addition, for lovers of the harder side of life, Molotov Solution's The Harbinger has vocals somewhere in between everyone's favourite animal-loving veggie Barney Greenway and German eye-linered anger merchant Andreas Dorner from Caliban. The album can be streamed free, link is on my "Cool Shit" list. Listening to this on my walk to work made me want to start a fight with a bus so be ready for a fucking war.

On to the old school. In rather predictable news, KISS are shortlisted for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame...I assumed they'd already be there but I guess I'm thick as a fat bird's heel skin. The shortlist also includes the Red Hot Chili Peppers - I know Hot Chick's gonna shit fire when I say this but "what the fuck???". Good band, don't get me wrong, but on a par with KISS? Un-feckin-likely.

AC/DC fans be aware - their launching a new site (link in the usual spot) for some kind of announcement on September 29th. Any guesses? I'm fucked if I know. Maybe Brian Johnson's getting a hip replaced.

Oh, and for those of you who didn't know, my first column has gone live on MetalasFuck, so go and read it or so help me God I'll have you gang banged by Rammstein. I'm also moonlighting on BornInBlood.com, so there's also a link to my review of Fleshkraft's debut album First Harvest.

I must dash; have to GET TO THE CHOPPER! (get it?)

M
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I have a dicker

Today is a good day. Not only am I drinking horrendously strong Scottish ales early in the afternoon but it's been confirmed; I have tickets for Rammstein's Wembley gig in February 2010.

However, it's time for me to be honest with you, my little sex pests, as I don't actually own any of Rammstein's back catalogue. I know, I know, it's unacceptable. As a metaller, I should have an extensive arsenal of material by the Teutonic mentalisers but alas, 'tis not so. This being said, I am still a massive fan of the work I've heard, which amounts to a fair ol' number of songs over the years. But one of the things I like the most about Rammstein is their complete disregard for taste and decency.

In terms of music videos, Rammstein offer the most surreal celluloid experiences I've ever experienced.

Item 1: Sonne
Till Lindemann et al are involved in some kind of Snow White-style episode, complete with pneumatic drills and dwarf spanking

Item 2: Mann Gegen Man
Our German friends get naked, put on some thigh high boots, oil themselves up and wrestle with muscly men. Potentially the least sexy thing I've seen in the entire world ever.

Their latest effort, Pussy, takes things to a whole new level though. Whilst it ain't particularly bizarre, it does involve some intense anal/vaginal/oral attention and climaxes in, well, 'climaxes'. I won't spoil it but if you're alone and feeling the need for self-abuse, I've put the link in my 'Cool Shit' list.

So a big shout out to my main man Sound Pete for getting the German grotmonsters tickets sorted; I'd have done it myself but I'm spending some time with my in-laws at present, which involves eating huge amounts of Scottish beef and drinking ale with an alcohol content similar to Oliver Reed's piss. Hence the reason this post is a bit all over the shop...

Unfortunately my bottle is empty so I need to replenish before I sober up for the first time in about 72 hours.

Auf wiedersehen fürs erste...

A day to remember. Or possibly not.

There's some fucking stupid "days" floating around but on September 10th, the bar was raised. Ozzy Osbourne Day? Don't get me wrong, the guy is a legend and has done great things for the world of metal - some believe he even started the fucking scene - but an actual day? And how does one celebrate this day? Sniff a line of ants? Attempt to murder family members? Speak like you've had a stroke or five?

But I started to wonder; who else should have a day, and what would it entail?

Brett Michaels Day - each man has 12 whorebags move in, he nails them all, then proclaims a winner, which doesn't work out. Repeat next year. I can see this being popular with 50% of the population.

Lars Ulrich Day - after spending the whole day being pretentious, compulsory sub-standard drumming for all.

Johan Hegg Day - compulsory growth of an enormous beard and drinking of much mead. Those unable to grow a beard (guilty) to have stick on facial hair subsidised by NHS.

The opportunities are endless so please feel free to add yours. Oh, I've already thought of Varg Vikerenes Day and Gary Glitter Day before anyone tries to be hilarious.

On the subject of Johan Hegg's beard, I reviewed The Crusher Reissue from Amon Amarth this week. If you're a fan of these Nordic deathmeisters, read my soon-to-be-published scribblings on MetalasFuck as this is an absolute must for the collection.

Alongside this, the debut outing from Wisconsin thrashsters Lazarus A.D. was some impressive shit. This'll be up soon, so read it if you're a fan of Megadeth and the Bay Area cartel as this is a real circle pit-inducing pounder. Megadeth were also kind enough to stream the whole of new album Endgame on MySpace. I've only heard one bad thing about this album and that was from some fat bespectacled goon in Canada. Apart from that, general consensus is it's the best thing since Rust In Pieces. I've not sat and dissected it yet so am keen to know what you lot think. I'm not really; just being polite.

And as expected, Teutonic homo-industrialists Rammstein are back. There's rumours of a headline slot at next year's festivals (and so the Sonisphere vs. Download row begins) but before hand they're playing a number of big ticket shows around the UK, including London Wembley Arena on February 4th. Tickets go on sale Friday September 18th at 9:00am so will be on eBay being sold by "Mr. No_Interest_In_Music_Cunt" at 9:15am.

So all in all, now's a good time to be into metal. The stupid hot summer is over and once again, darkness is sweeping across the land. The gig season is getting closer, which is exciting me to the point of vinegar strokes, as it seems like ages since I've had the shit beaten out of me by a group of sweaty men.

I'm off to listen to Outloud some more. Still not got the album yet? Fucking idiot.

M
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A good time for the 80s

There's no doubt about it; the 80s are coming back. "What makes you say that, O writer of musical waffling?" you may ask. Well, for all you fans of the way of the Hair:

W.A.S.P's new album is out in October. Babylon is apparently a concept effort based on the biblical tale of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse...should be a bit of a giggle. Add to this the forthcoming tours from Europe (Camden, November 1st) and RATT (December 1st, Islington) and I'm concerned that I may not be able to move around London without becoming ensnared in a web of backcombed hair.

On a more contemporary note, leave your diaries clear in mid-February 2010. On 13th, the currently unbeatable Lamb of God will be brutalising Brixton with support from over-rated younglings Job For a Cowboy. A mere five days later on Feb 18th, the mighty Machine Head are joined by hardcore legends Hatebreed plus Bleeding Through and All Shall Perish for what's bound to be a shitfight of epic proportions at Brixton. I've got my tickets for both. Ha ha.

I'm into the new Black Dahlia Murder album Deflorate at the mo. It's heavier than I'd normally go for day to day listening but I can't help but appreciate the uncompromising savagery. The album's out on September 15th and I would strongly recommend buying it, or stealing it, depending on how close to pikey scum you are. Necropolis is the fave for airplay but Christ Deformed and Death Panorama both gave me the sensation of having my head caved in by a stampede of epileptics. Trevor Strnad continues to impress with a violent yet controlled vocal and drummer Shannon Lucas is so good I could easily maintain a partial erection during most songs.

Also, whilst I've got your attention, listen to Hellpreacher, the new album from Birds of Prey. This mob has got members of Alabama Thunderpussy and Municipal Waste in their ranks and this album is an absolute beauty. I reviewed this, along with an absolute abortion of a shitfuck from Dysrythmia for MetalasFuck, so click on the link and have a read of the full breakdown. Or I swear to God I will beat you down like a crippled granny. Sorry, still listening to Black Dahlia Murder...

Laters.