People at gigs are dicks

I get the train to London five times a week and it never excites me. However, last Saturday was a different kettle of salmon as I embarked on my journey, not only because I had two ice cold cans of miscellaneous European beer in hand, but because I knew that at the other end was Amon Amarth, Ensiferum, Children of Bodom, and me old mucker Si Mitchell.

Me and Mitchell have been mates for the best part of twelve years and although we lost touch in the pre-Facebook void of time that no-one under 23 can comprehend, we chat on a regular basis. Normally about complete bollocks. On this occasion though there was something of substance to discuss and after I'd failed to identify about 80% of the band logos he'd tattooed on his own leg (mainly as I'm shit at that game) he told me about his new t-shirt company Zukie. Si's always been an excellent artist and has set this company up with A frontman Jason Perry and quite randomly, Dougie Poynter from boyband popsters McFly. The stuff is good, so buy something here.

Shameless plug aside, we drank a couple of quick pints, I fell down some stairs, we said goodbye, hugged, and Si and his missus went off to see ska punk legends Capdown whilst I made my way to Children of Bodom's headline
affair.

The monumentally long queue outside the HMV Forum was something to behold and frustratingly it meant I missed a big chunk of openers Ensiferum. Still, beer in hand I waded down to the front and caught a few numbers from their arsenal of frankly awesome folk death metal. They left the stage to make way for the mighty Amon Amarth - the main band I wanted to see.

And see them I did, through the view finders of 200 fucking digital cameras.

People: when we go to see bands, we go to see bands and listen to music. We go to enjoy an atmosphere and drink a couple of pints. We go to run around shirtless like retarded poultry. We do not go so we can all take two hours of video and upload it to YouTube. If you want to watch videos of the band, buy a FUCKING DVD. Because I can tell you this right now, my pretty little damp-chinned wonders; the next person who stands in front of me filming whilst I'm trying to get my metal on will be removing said camera/phone in several pieces from their anus.

Once my rage had subsided I got into the Amon Amarth experience and their epic onstage windmilling set the girl next to me off, only every rotation of her head saw her hair dunking into my pint of Tetley and the whipping me
in the face. Rather that than the camera wankers, mind.

Frontman Johan Hegg is an absolute beast who's vocals are deep enough rupture your spleen. These boys are bonafide Viking through and through and the set was everything you would expect; loud, fast, soaring guitar riffs, and Twilight of the Thunder Gods, which set the crowd off. I was buzzing.

When Children of Bodom took the stage, I started to get a wee bit bored. Maybe Amon Amarth were too good but Alexi Laiho et al didn't excite me tonight. I've seen them twice before and remember thinking "I thought they'd have been better". I might be wrong (unlikely) but for me COB are ace on record, a bit uninteresting on stage.

I left about an hour into their set and began the long arduous journey home in my usual post-gig state; ears ringing, completely broke and 100% drunk.

Good times.

M
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Good times are upon us

I have to confess that I'm a little on the excited side. In the next few weeks, new albums from a number of epically awesome bands will be gracing the shelves of your local record store, or however it is people procure music nowadays.

Rise Against's sixth outing Endgame is out on March 15th and lead single Help Is On The Way indicates that yet again, these punk stalwarts have got it spot on. Tim McIlrath's political ire is back and he's been telling the press how Endgame is a warning of how fucked up the world is, and how we need to sort ourselves out before everything goes properly tits up. He may have been a wee bit more eloquent than that, mind.

Children of Bodom returned with Relentless Reckless Forever on March 8th and despite them having detractors amongst the metal elite (who doesn't?) it's impossible to deny the quality of this Finnish mob. Despite numerous people thinking Alexi Laiho is a total dick, as a vocalist/guitarist I think he's shit hot and as this is my blog, my opinion is the only one that matters. Their death/groove/glam/blah metal has just gotten better and better over the last few albums so my expectations are high. I'm also massively excited about their forthcoming double-header tour with Amon Amarth, who are also releasing Sutur Rising on the 29th of this month. I've heard this album (keep an eye on metalasfuck.net for the review) and it is a fucking belter.

And of course, Black Stone Cherry's Between The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea, coming out at the end of May. BSC are easily one of the most authentic rock and roll bands to emerge this century and I'm hoping the notoriously tricky third album follows their trend of producing absolute classics. Me and Hot Chick treasure our limited edition CD from their October 31st, 2007 London show, which they recorded on the night and pressed a thousand copies of. All four of the lads signed it, and drummer John Fred Young is the only man in existence who can get away with writing my wife's name and putting a heart around it. I'm a very, very jealous man.

Finally, let's not forget Whitesnake's latest love song-filled outing, Forevermore (March 25th). David Coverdale's husky vocals continue to deal with the issues of love, romance, loving, being in love and lovers from start to finish and it's pure cheesy class.

I'm already excited about my Top Ten of 2011...

Go drink beers.

M

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I've got a gooolden ticket

Well, not technically golden. Perhaps that should be "I've got a load of fucking ace tickets".

First and foremost, my main man Shithouse managed to procure us tickets to the forthcoming Iron Maiden tour which is just about the best news I've had in months. As regular readers of Metal Harmony will know, when me, the 'House and a couple of other gents attended Iron Maiden's Twickenham show in 2008, it was without exception the greatest musical outing of my life ("Maiden Heaven", July '08). It may be over eight months away but I'm already pooing myself with excitement.

January 2011 is dedicated to hardcore. Me and Si-KO are off to see Terror on January 22nd, and the following week Your Demise and Lower Than Atlantis are smashing the shit out of my home town, with tickets costing less than two pints of Guinness. Chances of MADman developing pit-related spinal injuries = 90%+.

So with these absolute blinders on the way, I was wondering what else 2011 could offer up to moisten my undergarments? An lo, a Children of Bodom and Amon Amarth double-header in April came along, with support from Ensiferum. Being as COB are releasing their new album Relentless Reckless Forever in March I cannot fucking wait for this show.

Cradle of Filth are also heading into the studio next week to record Midnight in the Labyrinth, an album of orchestral/acoustic/strings versions of their music. I like the sound of this but being as Dani Filth now insists on being referred to as Lord Filth, there's a chance it might be little more than pretentious wankfumblings.

So with all this awesomeness on the horizon, I leave you with news that next week will see the much anticipated unveiling of my Top Ten 2010. Well, that's the theory. I have a tendency to be drunk a lot at this time of year so you might just get a paragraph of pointless waffle instead.

Bye bye
M
\m/

A fun night out for all the family

February 19th finally came round, so I got my shit together and made the journey over to Kentish Town to take in the might Children Of Bodom. Whilst I was cacking myself with excitement about seeing another fine Finnish export, I was also well up for a bit of their support - the mighty death metal scene icons Cannibal Corpse. This was a hella smart move by Bodom; nothing says you mean business more than taking one of the most hardcore bands ever to walk the Earth on tour with you.

There was a fair mix of colours there but in all honesty I counted more Corpse than Bodom. And when they took they stage, they took the room. The pit went into some kind of rabid frenzy as crowd pleaser "I Cum Blood" came over the PA. George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher kindly dedicated "Fucked With A Knife" to all the ladies in the room, which was greeted with cheers (really girls??), and the barrage continued for the next hour, a violent assault of kick drum, down-tuned everything and arsehole-spasming vocals. Finishing with "Hammer Smashed Face" was an inevitability and I surprised my self by knowing the tune quite well. An impromptu "Stripped, Raped and Strangled" again threw the crowd into some kind of fucking batshit nasty hellhole mess, and off they went.

I'm not really a fan of Cannibal Corpse's music but I did buy one of their shirts. Not to be cool, as I am already fucking much cool, but because I dig what they stand for. A 13-year-old kid can walk into any HMV and buy a Corpse CD, then listen to songs such as the above. But he can't buy "Striptease", the toilet comedy featuring Demi Moore and her implausibly round tits. He can then walk down the street into Virgin, or Zavvi, whateverdafuck, and buy a Carcass album with a JFK autopsy photo on the front, but can't buy a Dylan Moran DVD. Cannibal Corpse exemplify how censorship is the most hypocritical bucket of leper shit known to man. Okay, the albums were banned, but hey ain't now. And does a kid watching "Harlem Nights" starring Richard Pryor really seem worse than listening to songs about brutal murder, rape, necrophilia and torture? Oh, actually....

Meanwhile, back at the Forum, Bodom had taken to the stage. I insisted they'd kick off with "Living Dead Beat" and boy, was I wrong. Mind you, it came in second so not too bad. I am still yet to make a single correct prediction about openers... but anyways, the crowd was insane. I was a bit poorly having spent the night before puking and shitting for a few hours but when I saw that pit start to swirl, I had to get involved. "Bodom After Midnight" caused mass hysteria and the singalong during "In Your Face" took things to a new height. Not familiar with the song? Imagine 2,000 sweaty fuckers screaming:

I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK MOTHER FUCKER
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK MOTHER FUCKER
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUUUUUUUUUCK!

Passion? You bet yo' ass, boi.

As I left the pit, I crashed very hard very quickly so we had to go. I don't know if they played "Are You Dead Yet?" but that was what I was after. Still, 'm sure I'll catch them at Download (pleasepleasepleaseplease)

In short, COB cut us all a new one. The most impressive aspect for me was the seemingly effortless skill of Janne Wirman on keyboards. The speed at which he plays not only compliments the ridiculous shreddery of Alexi Laiho, but at time it surpasses it. DragonForce's Vadim Pruzhanov comes close for showmanship but for raw, arthritis-inducing finger trickery, Janne has it for me. His girlfriend must be very.... no, I can't make this gag. Too shit, even by my standards.

DOWNLOAD UPDATE:
Killswitch, ZZ Top and Marilyn Manson?? Oh you know it baby. Bring that shit on!!