I'm a bargain hunter, twisted bargain hunter...

I must confess that this post's heading has absolutely no bearing on the content whatsoever. If you were expecting something about the Prodigy, I apologise.

On my lunchtime meandering around the transsexual crack dive that is Soho I wandered into HMV to check out the things I can no longer afford to buy (Download's fault but I care not). As usual, "2 for £10" is slap bang in front of you so I thought I'd amuse myself by seeing how many U2, Bruce Springsteen and Verve albums were on offer but fuck me, they had some actual good music today. Ramones, Clash, Korn, Prodigy (aha, a slight Prodigy reference...) - I was genuinely surprised. Usually I go to the back corner, skulk around the "Metal" section for ten minutes picking up Carcass albums and putting them down again, then leave. But today, I put my hand in my pocket and made a couple of purchases.

Number one is Korn's Greatest Hits, Vol. 1 - not entirely sure what following volumes will include as all the real quality is on here, from "Blind" to "Freak On A Leash", plus their seven-odd minute Pink Floyd "Another Brick In The Wall" cover. An obvious choice, really.

Number two was a bit more left field for me, as it's Pendulum's "In Silico". I'm a bit confused about Pendulum. To me, they're a drum and bass act but fuck me, the crowd go balls-in-a-wasps-nest mental at their gigs, and this aforementioned crowd is made up of everyone from sweaty vest-wearing fuckers like me to day-glow gloved cheesy Quavers. Although they look a bit erroneous on the Download poster, both last year and this they were immense. So sod it, why not? I first heard Pendulum when "Slam" came out donkey's years ago and thought it was a pretty good dance tune, and "Propane Nightmares" is undeniably insane so I'll be interested to hear the rest of the album.

Oh, and this month's Classic Rock has a history of metal, complete with a NWOTM (that's New Wave Of Traditional Metal for all you newbies) free CD on the front plus the Sisters Of Mercy's first interview in 12 years. How could I not take that puppy to the counter?

Until next time...

Download 2009, we salute you

What can I say? Download 2009 ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RULED. Not eloquent, I know, but it's difficult to express in more verbose terms just how much Download 2009 ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RULED...

So here it is, in as much as a nutshell as this MADman can muster...

Day 1:

Hot Chick and I arrived early doors and dutifully purchased our 68,000 beer tokens. The first act we were treated to were nu-metalish Hollywood Undead which to be fair, weren't my bag but seemed to be getting the crowd going pretty well for a main stage opener. Mind you, everyone was so spurred on by the fact that the event had just opened and the sun was shining that S Club 7 probably could have got a circle pit going.

Sylosis were the first brutally metal band we experienced. I didn't make visual contact with these guys due to a combination of my fat arse laying on the floor through heat exhaustion and there being a big crowd, but the guttural vocal and penetrating bass drum had me intrigued. More on these guys in the coming months...

I've been a fan of "The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle" by A Day To Remember since I first head it a couple of years ago and I've seen these guys in passing before but I was keen to take in the whole set. They played with a passion and energy which surprised me - I was expecting a traditionally smiley emo-tatsic affair but they were serious about kicking the shit out of Download and to be fair, they did a bloody good job.

The revelation for me for Day 1 was Dir En Grey. I've heard a lot about these Japanese oddballs, with comparisons with everyone in the world ("A frankly Dir, Duff announcement", March 30th 2009) so I was interested to see if they'd live up to their hype. I was frankly mesmerised. From the moment that vocalist Kyo kicked into a variety of high-end notes and bassy, grindcore vocals, I could not stop watching them. The songs had tons of layers and kept me engrossed. They're not an obvious band and need listening to but I can see myself becoming a proper, proper fan...

Billy Talent impressed Hot Chick but not I. Benjamin Kowalewicz's vocal did little more than piss me off. Too much screaming; not metal harsh screaming, just pretty gay screaming. They were followed by Killswitch Engage and as I expected, 80's-namesaked Howard Jones et al fucking destroyed their predecessors. Billy Talent didn't deserve the same stage.

And much against my better judgement, I thought Limp Bizkit were un-feckin'-believably good and a major highlight of the day. EVERYONE was singing along, EVERYONE was doing terrible wigger dancing, and EVERYONE was loving it, although not as much as the two guys old fat 'n' bald Durst pulled out of the crowd to sing on stage with him. Limp Bizkit were indeed in the house and to be fair, they brought it down.

So a million beers in, Motley Crue take to the stage and kick off with "Kickstart my Heart", which kickstarted a plethora of flashing titties and massive haired headbanging. As they ploughed through classics such as "Shout At The Devil", the crowd were feeling it, I was feeling it, but couldn't help thinking, "I'm missing Faith No More..."

So Round we went. Patton and the boys smashed through "Surprise, You're Dead", "Epic" and "Midlife Crisis" like they hadn't been apart for the last decade and a half. The atmosphere was ridiculous and Mike-to-tha-P was conversing with 80,000 people like he was chatting with some mates. A clear highlight of day 1. Oh, and I got sunburnt and pissed to fuck as well.

Day 2:

Five Finger Death Punch followed by Devildriver followed by Hatebreed. For me, the main stage was the place to be. 5FDP were unbelievable, combining the brutality of Hatebreed with the melody of Stone Sour in one pit-enducing orgy of violent bliss. Definitely up there in my top five sets of the weekend. However, as I love Devildriver with a quite gay passion, I have to put these guys up there. With Guinness World Records on hand to verify the circle pit, the dust flew as these Californian thrash gods flew into the 2010 book. Sadly, I was watching from afar. Sunburnt, old, hungover and/or drunk, I just couldn't get in in time... And then Hatebreed came onstage and essentially kicked us all in the spleen, spat in our beers and slapped our mum's behinds. Good work Jasta, good work.

Oh, and Lawnmower Deth? The best version of "Kids In America" I have ever heard. Search for it. It will change your life!

Hot Chick was incredibly impressed with Hardcore Superstar and from what I saw, they were a legitimate rock option for a ball-cookingly warm day 2. Of course, we couldn't miss DragonForce. I've loved these guys for a couple of years but I must confess, they do get a wee bit tedious with the ol' guitar wankery. And ZP Theart needs to stop introducing "Through The Fire And The Flames" as "The song that made Guitar Hero 3 famous!" - it's getting a bit dry. Am I falling out of love with the 'Force? Tbc...

Marilyn Manson managed to win my "Cunt Of The Weekend" award. A huge arsenal of potential tunes, a reputation for vile behaviour, a history of causing offence and disgust. His set was like watching the Antiques Roadshow, although Michael Aspel might have been more interesting. Absolute shite. He should be ashamed of himself. Especially as he was warming up the crowd for...

Slipknot. Winners of the "Performance of The Weekend" award. Kicking off with the first four tunes from their eponymous first album, the crowd were going fucking insane. There was not a single thing I can criticise about this set, apart from the renegade spastics who refused to "sit the fuck down" as Corey requested during "Spit It Out". This being said, 70,000-odd people launching into the sky as he shouts "JUMP THE FUCK UP!!!" is a sight/feeling to behold.

My one major beef with day 2 was the sound quality of the second stage. As a lifelong Prodigy fan, I couldn't wait to see them tear it up, as I haven't see them since Reading 1998. However, the sound was similar to if they were playing in an egg box in the boot of a Vauxhall Vectra. Which, to be honest, ate shit in a big way. Not the bands fault though, so my love stays strong.

Day 3:

Further sunburnt, despite the factor 50, hungover to hell and having eaten nothing but food made from the foreskin of impoverished livestock for 48 hours, I was feeling a touch weary. So an 11:30 Tuborg got me back on the right track. The first band we caught were Turbowolf, who were a System Of A Down-meets-Biffy Clyro kinda band who I quite enjoyed. Trigger The Bloodshed were, to be honest, less than believable. I just didn't feel that their singer was right but despite the drummer being a massive ginge, he was hitting the skins with savage ability. They were technically good but together, were a bit shit.

The highlight of Sunday was again, the main stage, with a Tesla, Skin, Black Stone Cherry, Journey fixture. I thought Tesla were miming as they were so damn tight but alas no, they were just 80's hair-tastically amazing. Skin were good fun too and Black Stone Cherry continue to be perhaps the most consistent band I have seen live. This was our fourth outing with the Kentucky quartet and they are still unable to hit a bum note.

But then there's Journey. All I can say is 50,000 people singing "Don't Stop Believing" is a beautiful thing. I'll have a video up shortly so watch this space. Despite the band being so old they forgot a fair few words, this set was probably second, maybe third, for the whole weekend.

Clutch were typically cool and Southern, with Mr. Fallon a amicable frontman. Hot Chick was teenage-tastic when decade-long crush Coby Dick took to the stage with Papa Roach who, although playing a tight set, suffered from poor sound much the same was as The Prodigy had the day before.

Seeing David "Ere's a song for ya" Coverdale singing "Is This Love" and "Here I Go Again" live is truly a spectacle. How a man so haggered and old can be such a damn sexy bastard is extraordinary. I'm not gay for Whitesnake but man, that guy is one smooth mufu'er.

So all that was left was Def Leppard. If I may be blunt, I was a touch disappointed. The Leppard are kinda a bit too chilled out to close a festival and I can't help feeling they're back catalogue doesn't have as many rousing party anthems as you'd like to think. Okay, the crowd were there for "Photograph" and "Let's Get Rocked" but apart from that, there was a lot of MOR rocking, which left some of the crowd so bored that they started a fire.

Well, there it is. No doubt Ive left a couple of bands out but what do you want from me? You're probably bored of reading, you probably were after day one, so don't bitch at me...sorry, I got a bit emotional. You see, I already miss Download. This year, I got to meet a drunken Dez from DevilDriver and Frederiq from DragonForce as they ran through the crowd like retards chasing a dead butterfly. They were happy to have photos taken and like everyone else, were having a fucking awesome time.

I'm tired now. Any questions, please let me know at some point. But to summarise, Download 2009; You were the daddy.

Nnnggggggg.......

That's my excited noise.

This time tomorrow I shall be spanking my ageing motor down the motorway, Hot Chick by my side, metal blaring out of the speakers, aiming for Derbyshire. Seemingly the weather is going to be shite but I care not, for there ain't a thang in the world that could dampen my spirits about this weekend. I may even go naked. Or not. People would ask for refunds on their tickets.

So much fuckin' rules about Download 2009. The fact that the line up is arse-juicingly savage and the booze is the same price as last year are big hits with this MADman but the revelation that Domino's Pizza are going to be in attendance made me weep with joy.

So this'll be my last post before the event itself. I fully intend to spend the next 3-4 days a combination of hugely drunk or hugely hungover. If you fancy that, let me know.

See you on the other side.

The secret's out

And alas, more rock doth come. Metal titans Thunder have been confirmed as one of the secret bands for this years Download, which adds to the plethora of pure headbanging awesomeness already on the bill! I can now confidently say that Download 2009 will be the hairiest event I will ever attend...

In addition, St. Albans shitcore troupe Enter Shikari will also be gracing the stage. I have rarely been less bothered by an announcement to be honest but I guess you've got to keep the youngsters happy. I've heard many people hail these guys as the pioneers of "trance metal" but to be honest, Pitchshifter had this kind of shit recorded many moons ago so Enter Shikari ain't doing anything inspirational. I'm not going to cane them too hard as they haven't ever really offended my sensibilities but I can safely say that their set will well and truly pass me by.

It looks like it's going to be pant-soilingly terrible weather (so Thunder in terms of band and weather then? Ha ha! Sorry, I'm so tired...) but as Hot Chick rightly said, that's why God invented gay yellow ponchos and wellington boots. Not for me though. I'll be down to my vest and pants in the pit getting my air guitar on...

An Epic time or a Feelgood moment?

With less than 5 days to go, my sphincter quivers further at the prospect of the beer-drinking Download carnage that will soon ensue. But some of the clashes are pretty harsh. The key one, of course, being Faith No More vs. Motley Crue.

Let's look at some of the facts; Faith No More have been separated for over a decade and with the exception of a small warm up gig in Brixton, this will be the first chance that thousands of people, including my white self, have had to see them. They have been credited/blamed for starting nu metal, and songs like "Jizzlobber", "Midlife Crisis" and absolute twatting anthem "Epic" are absolute stomp-along classics of our time.

But alas, Motley Crue are perhaps, no, not perhaps, they are the definitive hair/heavy/sleaze metal band. Reading Nikki Sixx's "Heroin Diaries" or the band biog "The Dirt" shows you what a hedonistic fucked-up bunch of oft-dead, grimy bastards these boys are. And that's not the best bit. With seminal work "Dr. Feelgood" reaching the double-decade this year, word on the bridle path is that they're playing the whole album, start to finish. Oh good lord...

So there's the dilemma. Motley Crue's set eats into 45 minutes of FNM's. I shall have to let the gods of chance decide because at the moment, I have just a touch less than no fucking idea.

Other brutal clashes for this MADman are:

The Prodigy vs. Slipknot

God Forbid vs. Black Stone Cherry

Lacuna Coil vs. Killswitch Engage

Trivium vs. Def Leppard/Whitesnake is kind of a clash but having seen Trivium twice (maybe three times?) and knowing I'm pretty much never going to see the NWOBHM stalwarts again, it has to be Joe Elliott et al. This being said, no fucker is going to miss Leppard and 'Snake, so maybe Trivium will be a good choice........ nah. Sorry Matt Heafy; I love you boys but decisions need to be made, and I must stand firm.

Can't wait for Fightstar too....................................HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Almost kept a straight face.

Wonderings...

And so the weekend approaches, and I find myself asking, "will anything this weekend be as amazing as listening to 'Contractor' on Lamb Of God's new album?"

Let me make one thing clear; since seeing LOG at the Metal Hammer Golden Gods in 2007, I've had a huge amount of respect for these guys. Raw, brutal, heavy fucking metal. The "Burn The Priest" oh-so-obviously-anti days are gone and the remains are a savage metal band that would beat you and all your mates in any kind of brawl you fancied.

I must admit friends, I have had a couple of beers. However, my opinion is still as important...perhaps...

For three consecutive days in the gym, I've been listening to "Wrath". Not since Machine Head's "The Blackening" have I felt a band transcend their own hype. LOG's Grammy-nominated "Redneck" is an insane tune, don't get me wrong, but this album is something else. "Fake Messiah" is a circle-pit singalong (or smack-the-fuck-out-of-each other-along) the likes of which I haven't heard since Slipknot's "Eyeless" or Marilyn Manson's "Fight Song". 

I don't want to waste to much of your gorgeous time dissecting this album as I am well behind the curve with reviews - it's been out for a good few weeks. However, never have I felt so aurally gang-banged as when I first listened to "Wrath". Don't get me wrong, "Ashes Of The Wake" is a great metal album but with their new joint, Lamb Of God have kicked me in the nuts, pushed me over the table, raped me in the ear and pissed their logo into my bleeding face. If you don't own this shit soon, you are either mad or retarded.

Lamb Of God; this is a mother fucking invitation to be one of the heaviest bands around.

What a dichotomy

Just a quick note from me today scumbags. I shouldn't really call you scumbags as I do truly love both of you who read Metal Harmony on a regular basis...

The recession is well and truly kicking in for this MADman, as you may have noticed from my last emotional outpouring re: the glory that is the Skynyrd. It's now god knows how long since I've been to a gig and it's making me a bit Jack Nicholson-in-a-big-fuckin'-hotel crazy. My monies are drying up, my drive is in park and despite the sunshine, I'm feeling a bit emo about everything.

I think it's time for me to sit in my room, grow/iron my hair, turn out the lights and listen to 30 Seconds To Mars.

But wait!

Download is but two weeks away. The thought of three days smashing weak lager in front of Slipknot, Hatebreed, Faith No More, 69 Eyes, Def Leppard, Whitesnake, feckin' Journey, and many more deities of rock is keeping me sane (well, sane as ever) and stopping me from going on some kind of brutal Grand Theft Auto-inspired rampage.

Plus, a new tattoo has been designed and shall be scarring me in the not too distant future.

Life sucks and life rocks. Go figure.

Lynyrd Skynyrd, R.I.P

It may seem a tad dramatic but you don't know how gutted this MADman is! I'll explain. I love Lynyrd Skynyrd. I think they're awesome. There is not a single guitar moment in the world that can compare to that 1997 "Free Bird" solo, which I am informed is one of the most requested clips of all time, as stated by the BBC (I've put a link to the vid at the end as I want you to read my angst first).

If that's not enough to prove their ferocious brilliantness, their drummer was called Artemis Pyle.

Artemis Pyle.

Is there a more "Suthun rawk" name than that? No, there isn't; stop trying to think of one and read on.

Way back in the days of yore, I found out that Skynyrd were playing in the not-worthy Brixton Academy ("Can it really be??", November 28th 2008). I purchased tickets quicker than a fat teenager blogs about continuity errors in Stargate.

But alas, the recession doth fuck me in the face with a passionless grin. You see, the gig is a Sunday, and me and Hot Chick dwell many miles from Brixton. So, we'd have to leave stupidly early and miss the inevitable "Free Bird" finale. Not worries, we'll stay over in London. Will we fuck. I barely have the sheckles for a loaf of bread, let alone some seedy cack shack in SE1.

A gig for me also means a tour T-shirt and minimum £30 of beer. Again, not possible. My current economic situation is worse than Insane Clown Posse's entire back catalogue.

So the tickets were sold on the electronicBay, at face value, to a massively excited Skynyrdian. I don't like people that buy to sell for profit. I think they're about as low as elephantitis-riddled balls. The tickets left the flat yesterday and by now, will be in the hands of some lucky fucker in Suffolk.

By the grave of Ronnie Van Zant, if you bought them off me, treat them good. Sing along until your throat bleeds during "Simple Man", drink a bottle of medium strength lager for "The Ballad Of Curtis Loew" (that's the right spelling, actually) and play air guitar to "Free Bird" like a massive fucking twat.

And like 90% of the original good ol' boys, I'll be there in spirit.

And now, the performance....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4XISNjLGEI

A good morning shuffle

Theoretically, not a "shuffle" as the Creative Zen Vision M is not an iPod. "Random song choice" ain't as catchy though, is it?

Anyway, wandering through the detritus and whoredom of Soho this morning on my way to work and the aforementioned music playing tool presented me with the following in quick succession:

Atreyu - "Lip Gloss and Black"
Sofahead - "Break Up"
Early Grave - "Dead To Me"
Slipknot - "Vermillion (live)"

I'm sure you'll agree, a frankly gargantuan offering for a rainy Tuesday AM.

What do you mean, who are Sofahead? Fuck me. In all honesty, I'd never heard of them either but me and Bro Dude saw them punking it up alongside Watt Tyler and the mighty Leatherface a couple of years back. They're a female-fronted shouty punk mob from Middlesborough who broke up about nine years ago but I tell you what shitheads, they are fucking cool. "Break Up" is a cover of The Doors' "Break On Through" and I strongly recommend you legally download this song if possible. I'd rank it alongside Hi-Standard's "California Dreamin'" in my "Top 10 Awesome Punk Covers Which Make You Want To Push A Granny Over". If you can't find it, holla at this MADman and I'll hook you up.

Early Grave's offering is a grubby hybrid of Dimmu Borgir and Caliban and grinds pretty hard. As these folks are new to me, I shall be investigating further as "Dead To Me" was a pleasant change from either standard death or generic metalcore.

Got to run now as I need a shit.

Missing you already...

Many shades of Green

This MADman has a hangover and Green Day are on the television, hence the "many shades of Green". See what I've done there? I would hope so, or you are truly stupid.

First and foremost, welcome to anyone who is here from Twitter, the campest-named networking facility in the world. Please feel free to contribute to Metal Harmony in any way you see fit, or unfit, or whatever.

Secondly, do Green Day still matter? When I was listening to "Dookie" oh-so-many years ago, songs about wanking in your flat when you're bored and being a retard made sense to my teenage punk self. I had no real angst to deal with but Green Day were still a release. Then they went shit, which I choose to gloss over as it was a sad time. But then "American Idiot" came out and propelled the short-arse frontmanned punksters into the mainstream in a frankly ridiculous way. I seem to remember Kerrang voting their Milton Keynes show "the best gig of all time". If you'd have told me that would happen when I was trying to play along with "Welcome To Paradise" on the drums over a decade ago, I would have said "no chance, you silly c*nt", and pissed in your ear.

Tre Cool was the man who really made me want to hit the skins and at that time, I was convinced that he was the best drummer in the world. And to be fair, he does still have an awesome talent. His timing is impeccable, his energy is awesome and his hair is regularly, if not constantly, stupid.

But I find myself asking, do they still matter? No longer an angsty trio of gobby shits, Green Day are now a threesome of political commentators. Surely this means they matter more? I don't know. I mean, how many people have gone down this route? Protest songs against war and organised religion have been around since music began and have ranged from the abolitionists in the USA to warbly-voice leathery rocker Neil Young to SoCal punk bands like Lagwagon, and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong; Green Day still create fucking tuneage but I can't help thinking their aspirations to end the war in Iraq and topple TV evangelism is a bit contrived.

But what do I know?

More than you, probably.

Emotional beards

Wandering through the music channels last night, I got the the only real option that matters in the form of Scuzz. As it was pretty late into the hours of darkness, they were running through some new music. Unfortunately, one of the tunes was Nickelback's new joints but thankfully, I was sticking chopsticks into my eyes at that point so wasn't paying attention.

A tune that did intrigue me was "I Drink Alone" by The Cumshots. Yes, The Cumshots. Fucking terrible name but not easy to forget. Plus, I'd imagine they get found on the 'Net by people looking for very different things on a regular basis.

These "death 'n' roll" bearded monsters are fronted by lead singer, Kristopher Schau, a man with facial hair so impressive that you dare not look it straight in the eye.

But I digress. Awesome beards aside, this Norwegian quintet were producing some of the most aggressive music I have ever been party to for many moons. Schau's voice is a Jamey Jasta meets Johan Hegg hybrid, and there's genuine anger in there. This, combined with a stripped down drum kit which still has double kick, and deep, guttural chords combine to make an intense musical episode. The video is essentially the chaps in a synthetically lit garage, with Schau occasionally punching/headbutting things, whilst a selection of social ne'er-do-wells, well, drink alone. And cry.

It's bizarre but emotional shit; check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8Qugtp90NU

(sorry it doesn't link straight through, I haven't worked out how to do that on Metal Harmony yet...)

Disgusting balls

Being a connoisseur of all things music (ha!) I tend to listen to my Creative on random select at all times."What, no iPod?" I hear you gently mutter in a barely interested way. Alas no. The Creative is not only a far superior tool for file conversion but it also has a built in radio, allowing for Ken Bruce's Popmaster on the move, plus a 'record' function, should you wish to record any tunage. Can you get that on an iPod? Can you bollocks. Which yet again, is an example of why I'm better than you.

Meanwhile, back at the den of iniquity, I was wandering along through Trafalgar Square and on came "Fire Engine" by Revolting Cocks. In case you're not aware of these chaps, imagine a psychobilly playing a synth whilst beating up a goth and you're there. This particular song makes you want to tree dance whilst performing an electric boogaloo, if you're that way inclined. I shall be investing in more of their work, stay tuned for further cock-based chat.

I also dipped into the Metal Blade 25th Anniversary sampler that Metal Hammer kindly provided some months back and found myself going straight for Cannibal Corpse's "Death Walking Terror". Since my last Corpse experience ("A fun night out for all the family", Tuesday Feb 24th), and I mean that in a purely non-necrophiliac sense, I've been increasingly intrigued. To be fair to this song though, it fucking sucks. Yes, George can growl like a bear with piles but in essence, the song is rapingly boring.

I also found myself confused by Job For A Cowboy's "Embedded". These guys have been criticised for being fake, not paying their dues, etc. but in my opinion, they're heavier than your mum coming to your first born's funeral and telling you that you were a mistaken adoption. But what do I know?

Oh well, off to work. Bye for now asscheeks.

Ready for take off

Sitting outside the boozer on April 21st, reading my book, chugging a few Guinnesses, the sun was shining and I was in high spirits. For April 21st is National Maiden Day. And alas, me and the chaps had tickets to the flight of the century; Flight 666. Not just tickets; Shithouse had booked premier seats (essentially more arse room and a bit of space to stretch out and do double pedal on the floor).

Shithouse and Bandy turned up at the end of pint two, so we had time for another quick 150% of pintage before heading in for a £35 hot dog. The day was going shaggingly well. We also bumped into my mate Jawsome who had made a 10-mile journey on his own for the screening. All four of us were wearing different Eddie colours, along with the other 50 metallers in the vicinity. The look on the faces of the punters who had come for a quiet "rom com" with their partners was rather entertaining.

If you don't know or have been living in an arsehole for the last six months, the film is a rockumentary about the first leg of Maiden's "Somewhere Back In Time" tour - that's the one I went to at Twickenham and you didn't. In your face. Sorry. As you'd expect, it opens with Churchill's speech and quickly into "Aces High", filmed in Mumbai. Seeing tens of thousands of Indians going ballistic to Maiden is, to be honest, a sight to behold. We follow Pilot Bruce and the cartel aboard their Boeing 757 and hitting venues such as Costa Rica (affectionately referred to by one fan as "the ass of the world") and Argentina and at every show, they play with the ferocity and sheer bloody tightness of a band half their age. Nicko McBrain has the most insane ability to gallop a single pedal and Harris's bass strum sounds as natural as a heartbeat (I left that analogy in as it's literally the gayest, most rubbish thing I have ever written).

I'm not going to go into too much detail about this film as, if you're any kind of metal fan, you'd have heard about 20 reviews so far anyway. Quite simply, go and watch the fucking film. Buy it on DVD. And Blu-Ray. And VHS, Betamax, cassette, CD, 12-inch and minidisc. Watching this is like being at a Maiden show (without the flying bottles of piss and crying teenagers trying to escape the pit) but despite having been there, seeing them do this shit in the flesh, it still doesn't prepare you for the way the South Americans, Indians, etc. respond when the boys take the stage. I've never seen a band command pure adoration from a literally global audience.

Get this film. Then go and see Maiden anywhere you can because believe you me possums, you need them in your life.

Hey now, hey now now...

Sorry people but 'tis not my fault. I've been having major issues with my computer at home which means that this MADman has been unable to update El Bloggo. I would do it at work but alas, I have not a moment to spare...

But do you care, is the question? I'll wager not.

Let me take y'all way back when to April 9th as I can hear you all asking "MADman, how were the Sisters Of Mercy?". The fact that Bro Dude and I started drinking at 16:30 suggested a long night was looming...

After smashing a quick cider with my work cartel in an oh-so-civilised way, our only real option was to hit the Crobar for a series of finest Newcastle Browns. I shan't bore you with details. Actually, that's kinda exactly what I'm going to do, and have been doing for over a year. Sorry, I'm all out of sorts today...

Right, so now we're a few beers down and on the tube. A couple of emo kids were standing opposite us talking about seeing "them for the first time in ages". I asked them if they too were venturing to the Town of Kentish for the long awaited Sisters gig. Unsurprisingly, no. Awkward silence for the remainder of the journey (wooooo! Journey! So excited about Download).

20 minutes before the gig = 1 x Brown, 1 x Jaeger, 8 x piss breaks in the Bull & Gate

And we're in. And on the Guinness. By now, Bro Dude and I were effectively steaming so although I think there was a support band, it's a bit hazy (although the haze may have been due to the 9,000 litres of dry ice. God bless the goths. Or not, as the case may be).

If I may be blunt - not James Blunt, he's a fuck - although I have the entire back catalogue of SOM music thanks to Bro Dude's oft-over-zealous music piracy, I don't know a huge amount of their songs without having the track list in front of me. This being said, I did recognise more tunes than expected.

Bro Dude and I were struggling in a big way. I was one tin of black stuff away from vomiting on the theatrically tree dancing goth to my left, Bro Dude's eyes were rolling back like he'd suffered a major head trauma so we had one option left; hit the pit.

I had no laces in my shoes so was expecting to lose them a la Rise Against ("The Pits", Tuesday March 10th) but much to my surprise, it didn't happen. The Sisters ripped through a synth-tastic array of moody anthems but for me, it came to life during Dominion and This Corrosion. The pit was an odd mix of massive hairy sweatfucks, old skool punks and vested trilby-wearers (guilty). Despite Bro Dude's drunken descent to the floor on a couple of occasions, the pit was pretty calm. Mind you, it's pretty tough to get a circle pit going to a 1980s synth beat. But praise Jesus, did we try...

The Sisters Of Mercy played an absolute blinder. They were exceptionally tight but I think a major part of this comes from the fact that their music is not complicated. There aren't hundreds of layers to work in, intricate solos and extensive vocal harmonies. Instead, it's a few blokes from Leeds moaning their way through a couple of hours of stage time. Which is exactly what we, and seemingly the rest of the crowd, were after. Okay, Andrew Eldridge said not one word to the crowd but as a goth icon, can you really expect him to? He's bald, a bit tubby, doesn't interact with the crowd and sings in a pretty monotone voice. But fuck me, doesn't he do it well.

TBC

Good lord I've eaten a lot of Easter eggs.

There's been another shedload of bands confirmed for Download, a fair few of whom are unknowns to this MADman. There's always Bring Me The Horizon, though. The fully tattooed teenage reprobates from Sheffield who, despite being increasingly respected since the release of latest joint "Suicide Season", still seem to me to be little more than, well, a troupe of cuntages. I'll go and see them as I don't want to be stuck on their too-many-tatts-too-early and shitwank hair; I'll give them a chance to convert me.....hmmm....
Stone Gods are there; meh. Fightstar are back; gaaaay. Staind have confirmed....I sincerely hope they're not as colon-openingly dull as when I last saw then as they have some awesome tracks in their back catalogue of post-grunge American-ness ("Um, hello???", September 23rd, 2008).

A bit of background reading on Facecage makes them seem an interesting proposition. Hailing from Slipknot's home town of Des Moines, Iowa, they're about to have their fourth album produced by Corey "number 8" Taylor. Could be one to watch....

Sisters Of Mercy review coming soon, if anyone cares.

A frankly Dir, Duff announcement...

See what I did there? Duff McKagan's Loaded and Dir En Grey have confirmed Download, dumbass.

It's been a relatively quiet week on the music announcement front - Five Finger Death Punch and Dir En Grey are a pretty exciting addition to an already arse-stretchingly awesome Download 2009. 5FDP (as the cool kids call them) have a pretty solid metalcore sound but there's some groove in there and I'm interested to find out more. Dir En Grey are a bit of an oddity. Hailing from Japan, these guys have been retardtastically classed as anywhere between Rammstein, HIM, Slipknot, Pantera, just about every fuckin' band in the world. I personally think they're a mix of STEPS and Mortician. Jokes. Essentially, there's a dark atmosphere surrounding their tunes that stinks of Nine Inch Nails but being sung completely in Japanese, the ambiance is a touch more intense. Plus, the fact that lead singer Kyo is clearly a few wanks short of a teenage boy's weekend alone helps - his penchant for fish hooking his mouth until the blood runs down his face and scratching his chest and face bloody and raw during the set has caused many to take note. Style over substance? Wait and see, my pretty monkeys.

A welcome addition is Lawnmower Deth; spasticated death metal from Nottinghamshire at it's finest. Their cover of "Kids In America" is now legendary, and with band members that include Qualcast "Koffee Perkulator" Mutilator on vocals and Explodin' Dr Jaggers Flymo behind the skins, you can kinda tell it's going to be a shitbox giggle.

Coming soon; I'm going to see Flight 666 and you're probably not, plus Sisters Of Mercy with bro dude.

Stay tuned.

Eat my line up

As y'all know, I've been tending to update Metal Harmony post-gig only of late. However, I feel it's time to reflect upon, nay, discuss one of the greatest things to happen to the modern world since dead sheep got thrown into pitta and served at a reasonable price until well into the early hours of the morning. I am of course, referring to Download 2009.

It started well. The first announcement gave us Slipknot, Motley Crue, Devildriver, The Prodigy and Korn. Strong shit. And it's continued to get better and better. Trivium, the might Def Leppard, WhitesnakeZZTopBlackStoneCherryLacunaCoilAAAAAAAARRRRGGH! So much quality, so little time!

As you can probably tell, one is a wee bit excited. Even backwards hat-wearing camel rapist Fred Durst and his crew of large biceped keg drinkers from Limp Bizkit are going to be a laugh. I challenge any one of you to listen to "My Generation" or "My Way" from the "Chocolate Starfish" album and not do a slightly embarrassing 'bobbing head up and down, moving feet a bit like at a school disco, making up gang signs with your hands' dance. Put them in with Korn, Papa Roach, and pioneers of the genre Faith No More and you've got yourself a fuckin' fun wigga-tastic day.

The organisers have managed to cater for all g-g-generations this year. My teens saw the likes of Marilyn Manson and Slipknot rising through the ranks from annoying angry helmets to school massacre inspiring powerhouses. Then there's the Leppard, 'Snake, Top, Tesla and Crue. I have a feeling the backcombing and waistcoats will be out in force. Combine this with the prog metallings of Dream Theatre, Southern rasping of Black Stone Cherry and disease-infested groupie nailing of Buckcherry and the bag couldn't be more mixed.

However, there is one band that I was not expecting. Not hoping for. Dare I say it, I couldn't have even dreamed it.

The one...

The only...

JOURNEY!!

I nearly cried happy pant tears when I saw this addition. Having checked out Arnel Pineda on the Tube of Youness, I was pleasantly surprised. In my last Journey-focused waffle ("You just ask the lonely", Sunday, 10 August 2008) I expressed my concerns as to how anyone could touch Steve Perry's unique vocal style but to be fair, the young Filipino boy don't do too bad. Better than I do anyway. I sound like I've my danglers trapped in a bear trap when I try to sing along.

In summary, Download 2009. Fuck yeah.

Amen.

The pits

A week that kicked off with Metallica on the Monday ended with Rise Against on the Friday. Let's just take a wee minute to appreciate how fucking intense a week of music that is!

Finished?

Good.

I'd been out since 13:30 pounding beers due to a well-timed leaving do at work so by the time I met Bro Dude, I was on my way to being well oiled. We hit the Crobar, London's premier heavy metal dive, for a couple of cheeky Newcastle Browns and a couple of rollies, and offski.

I've never been to Camden Roundhouse but my first opinion was "My, how awfully civilised", as the legions of punk rock reprobates poured in. We met with Hot Chick beforehand, and got into the venue for about 20:00. Just in time for Flobots. Oh great; fashionably political rap.

Hell no. I went in completely ambivalent expecting little and was hugely impressed. The blend of hand-plucked violin, smooth rap, rhythmic drums and bass groove completely got me and you could tell that, although 90% of the crowd probably had no idea who these guys were, the opinions were high. Flobots got a fierce reception when they finished with recent single "Handlebars" and left the stage; they thoroughly deserved it.

But then the band we were they to see kicked us all in the fucking face. I can't even remember which song came first (perhaps due to the frankly hilarious amount of booze I had consumed by this point) but I left Bro Dude and Hot Chick, and hit the pit. And shit my ballsack, was it a pit. The majority of songs in the early part of the set came from my favourite "Sufferer And The Witness" album and despite my trying to leave the pit, songs like "Injection" and "Bricks" kept me going shitfuck pony buggery crazy. "Drones" caused a ridiculous frenzy (that might have been the first one, actually...) and as they kicked in to "Collapse" from their newest album "Appeal To Reason" I went over the top. A successful surf to the front was combined with the realisation that I had lost both of my shoes. And t-shirt.

There is something haunting about Tim McIlrath's vocals; the guy just commands that you listen to the lyrics as well as the harsh yet melodic tones. I think only Angela Gossow from Arch Enemy sounds so similar live as on record. Although Tim didn't interact a huge amount with the crowd, Rise Against did exactly what they came to do. The passion of the politics, the ferocity of the crowd and the stealing of the shoes all combined to make an epic experience. We left feeling like we'd been to a seminar on how to be a fucking hardcore punk rock band.

Going through Rise Against's back catalogue, it's difficult to find any stinkers. I mean, some of the acoustic protest songs are a bit simple, but so what? They're a punk band, retard. They play with a fire that singes your bollocks. The fans are insane. The pits are violent but compassionate and the band really give a fuck. I mean, really give a fuck.

Political bands that matter are hard to find today; Rise Against may be a decade old but with their constant relevance, there's another few years in them yet. I fuckin' hope.

The day that finally came

The day arrived, and me and Shithouse kicked off the beers at 13:30 in true heavy metal style. For at that point, we were only five hours away from the Dark Lords and by arse, the excitement was running like the blood of a slaughtered dragon (not sure why I've gone all Manowar here but it's my blog, so whatever...)

Bandy picked us up, and off we went, three fucking metallers with inflatable guitars in a company Vauxhall Vectra. For 'tis how we roll. We got to the O2 after a rousing chorus of the Kill 'Em All album en route and set off in search of a beer. Met up with Metal-R from my work, then the four of us hit the bar. We sold the car so we could afford the second round in the Guitar Hero bar, and by now me and Shithouse were a tad beered up.

We were all keen to catch Sword and Machine Fucking Head so took our seats relatively early doors. Sword, I must confess, I knew very little about but after an impressive, prog-inspired few songs, I can see them being a band I take an interest in.

Machine Head didn't have the same energy as the last few times I've seen them but in all fairness, this wasn't their fault. The mass appeal of Metallica means that the front standing area was a mix of old rockers, young emos, and every type of person in between. For this reason, the fucking bat shit donkey rape carnage of the circle pit you'd expect was little more than a couple of people fidgeting around, occasionally grazing the person next to them. Even my inspirational shout of "START A CIRCLE PIT YOU FUCKING PUSSIES!" didn't set them off. Strange.

Machine Head limped through a much more family-friendly set than usual but it wasn't for the want of trying. Rob Flynn's calls for a pit were greeted with a couple of moments where it looked like it may go but alas, the front was a bunch of gaylords.

Not too long after the Bay Area gods left the stage, house lights went down.

It was beginning.

The crowd were on their feet.

And fuck me didn't they start well.

Opening with a track off the new album was bold but inspired. "That Was Just Your Life" threw the crowd into a frenzy (still no pit though) which continued for the next few songs. The positioning of the stage made this an even better spectacle than was expected - friends have been to the O2 and seen bands with the stage at one end, never positioned dead centre of the arena. We all had a great view, the acoustics were awesome (Bandy had a few issues with it but he'd had 3 Pro Plus and 4 Red Bulls - he could have been raped in the ear by a Silverback and would barely have noticed) and the interaction was something else.

As "One" opened, my neck was at breaking point but we kept the momentum going. In all honesty, the double-pedal breakdown in the middle of the song was pretty fucking terrible by Lars, and there was a couple of hits that he clearly missed but the crazy little bastard had so much energy, I think I was the only sad twat who noticed.

My lighter ran out of petrol during "Nothing Else Matters" but this tune was probably my highlight of the show. Metallica's haunting epic being backed by 20,000 loyal fans, in an atmospherically lit venue the size of a football stadium. And the fact they ended and went straight for "Enter Sandman" only exemplified their greatness and absolutely mastery of the crowd.

Ending with "Seek and Destroy" meant we all left on a high. Sorry, let me rephrase that. We left on a monumental, 10-storey high with sea views and personal helipad. My one criticism, and this is not of the band, was the lacklustre front of the crowd. Iron Maiden at Twickenham was fight-for-your-life carnage; this could have been as good but the cross-over nature of Metallica's music meant that the range of those at the front was so great that it never really kicked off. Me and Shithouse tried to storm the crowd but the ever vigilant security guards stopped us pretty sharpish. Which is probably just as well; I don't think they were ready for about 30-stone of drunken windmilling.

To summarise, in essence, I would like to say, Metallica owned the O2. They were the Masters, we were the Puppets.

Boom boom.

DOWNLOAD UPDATE:
Faith No More to headline?? I fucking like your style boys! Journey as a rumoured addition? Get that in and I'll touch you all in a sexy place...

A fun night out for all the family

February 19th finally came round, so I got my shit together and made the journey over to Kentish Town to take in the might Children Of Bodom. Whilst I was cacking myself with excitement about seeing another fine Finnish export, I was also well up for a bit of their support - the mighty death metal scene icons Cannibal Corpse. This was a hella smart move by Bodom; nothing says you mean business more than taking one of the most hardcore bands ever to walk the Earth on tour with you.

There was a fair mix of colours there but in all honesty I counted more Corpse than Bodom. And when they took they stage, they took the room. The pit went into some kind of rabid frenzy as crowd pleaser "I Cum Blood" came over the PA. George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher kindly dedicated "Fucked With A Knife" to all the ladies in the room, which was greeted with cheers (really girls??), and the barrage continued for the next hour, a violent assault of kick drum, down-tuned everything and arsehole-spasming vocals. Finishing with "Hammer Smashed Face" was an inevitability and I surprised my self by knowing the tune quite well. An impromptu "Stripped, Raped and Strangled" again threw the crowd into some kind of fucking batshit nasty hellhole mess, and off they went.

I'm not really a fan of Cannibal Corpse's music but I did buy one of their shirts. Not to be cool, as I am already fucking much cool, but because I dig what they stand for. A 13-year-old kid can walk into any HMV and buy a Corpse CD, then listen to songs such as the above. But he can't buy "Striptease", the toilet comedy featuring Demi Moore and her implausibly round tits. He can then walk down the street into Virgin, or Zavvi, whateverdafuck, and buy a Carcass album with a JFK autopsy photo on the front, but can't buy a Dylan Moran DVD. Cannibal Corpse exemplify how censorship is the most hypocritical bucket of leper shit known to man. Okay, the albums were banned, but hey ain't now. And does a kid watching "Harlem Nights" starring Richard Pryor really seem worse than listening to songs about brutal murder, rape, necrophilia and torture? Oh, actually....

Meanwhile, back at the Forum, Bodom had taken to the stage. I insisted they'd kick off with "Living Dead Beat" and boy, was I wrong. Mind you, it came in second so not too bad. I am still yet to make a single correct prediction about openers... but anyways, the crowd was insane. I was a bit poorly having spent the night before puking and shitting for a few hours but when I saw that pit start to swirl, I had to get involved. "Bodom After Midnight" caused mass hysteria and the singalong during "In Your Face" took things to a new height. Not familiar with the song? Imagine 2,000 sweaty fuckers screaming:

I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK MOTHER FUCKER
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK MOTHER FUCKER
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUUUUUUUUUCK!

Passion? You bet yo' ass, boi.

As I left the pit, I crashed very hard very quickly so we had to go. I don't know if they played "Are You Dead Yet?" but that was what I was after. Still, 'm sure I'll catch them at Download (pleasepleasepleaseplease)

In short, COB cut us all a new one. The most impressive aspect for me was the seemingly effortless skill of Janne Wirman on keyboards. The speed at which he plays not only compliments the ridiculous shreddery of Alexi Laiho, but at time it surpasses it. DragonForce's Vadim Pruzhanov comes close for showmanship but for raw, arthritis-inducing finger trickery, Janne has it for me. His girlfriend must be very.... no, I can't make this gag. Too shit, even by my standards.

DOWNLOAD UPDATE:
Killswitch, ZZ Top and Marilyn Manson?? Oh you know it baby. Bring that shit on!!

Is this love?

And so it continues. The rumour mill was churning a fair bit of stuff around, most of which was too good to be true. But lo, it did happen, and it was good. Def Leppard and Whitesnake for Download 2009. Un-feckshatting-believable!

It's not just the fact that these two titans of hair/power/whatevadafuck metal have recorded some of the greatest singalong rock tunes of all time (anyone not know the chorus to "Let's Get Rocked"?) but that they are playing on the same bill as modern legends such as the mighty 'Knot, other gargantuan often dead rock lords Motley Crue, and already what is proving to be a "who's who" of genre-defining bands.

Trivium are there too; last time I saw them I had my arm around Matt Heafy and was in a pit of about 5 ("I stand corrected", November 23rd 2008) so it'll be fucking tits to see them at the other end of the spectrum.

Rumours of Faith No More seem unfounded so far but Lamb Of God are looking good. To be honest, this festival is as if someone reached inside my head and took a photo of what posters for MADownload would look like. I'm running out of bands that I adore and HAVE to see:
Maiden? Done it mate.
Metallica? Less than a month.
Skynyrd? May 31st fella.
Leatherface? Yup.
HIM? Losing count geezer.
Lagwagon? One of the first ever.
Machine Fucking Head? Been fucking there.
Poison?.........Poison?..........

We're one band away from perfection..........

Hey diddle diddle....

...and so on and so forth, and I jumped over the fucking moon, as I think the nursery rhyme once said!

Download 2009 first announcement has pooh-poohed the Heaven & Hell, Slipknot and Limp Bizkit headline rumours - Slipknot was right, but try throwing the mighty Prodigy and the immortal Motley Crue into the mix too! Fuck yeah baby! Also announced are DevilDriver and DragonFroce - all about DevilDriver for me; I love those guys ("Thank you Coal Chamber", April 29th, 2008)

I'm now eagerly awaiting the rest of the announcements. I love this time of year - it's always fun watching the forums complain about the quality of bands but this year, they can eat a big fat MADdick because Download 2009 is going to RULE.

Fact.

Being slack

What can I say, it's been a drought as far as music goes over the last couple of months? I know, I know, I should have kept in touch. So sue me.

Anyway, happy new year and all that shit.

Got the tickets ot Download 2009 today but alas, there are still no confirmed bands. This being said, me and Hot Chick had such a fucking gnarly weekend last time, I can't miss it. Favourites to headline so far seem to be Nickelback and Slipknot, with a big fat TBC over Sunday's closer but who can tell? Aerosmith have been thrown out there too - a tad unlikely, methinks.

I'm back for 2009 now fuckers, so watch this space. My opinion on the Download line-up as it's unveiled surely can't be missed?

Poppin' Cherries

You really can't beat Sundays for a shit night to go giggin'. However, as it was Black Stone Cherry, me and Hot Chick knew that we'd have to make the long arduous journey from Tunbridge Wells to glorious Brixton in the pissing rain and freezing cold because to be honest, missing Edmonton, Kentucky's finest was not an option.

Got there, queued, beers, down the front for the first support act - long time since we've got anywhere early enough for to do this. So there we stood as Sevendust, Georgia's most dated metal band, took to the stage. Don't get me wrong; these guys had a fierce energy but to be honest, the massive muscles and backwards baseball caps were a bit Fred Durst-tastic. To give them their dues, Morgan Rose on the drums was a fucking nutter but even his gob-up-in-the-air-and-catch-it-in-your-own-mouth and Tommy Lee stickwork couldn't stop me feeling a little bit like I'd seen this yeeeeeears ago. Lajon Witherspoon's vocals were good but when they were joined by BSC's Chris Robertson, there was a gulf of difference between them - ironic seeing as Chris would have been about 4 when Sevendust formed (under one of their many different names).

Next up were Stone Gods. Having recently seen former Darkness man Justin Hawkins in his new fucking abomination of a band Hot Leg ("Eat My Beer", November 19th), I was apprehensive to see what his brother Dan and the rest of the Lowestoft boys would come up with. However, in the interest of not being a stereotypical judgemental metalhead, I thought I'd give these guys a chance. Richie Edwards on vocals (I'm pretty sure not the long-missing Manics guitarist) did vibe with the crowd pretty well and their music was good old fashioned rock and roll. Nothing about them changed my life but they were enjoyable, and should their album "Silver Spoons and Broken Bones" be available on a "3 for £20" at HMV, I may consider investing.

And then Black Stone Cherry took to the stage. My prediction of them opening with "Blind Man" was a poor shout as they kept it old school, the thundering floor tom and bass line of "Rain Wizard" merging straight into "Backwoods Gold" was a great opening to their debut album and an even better opening to their live shows. Chris Robertson has a phenomenal interaction with the crowd and the fact that this was the biggest headline show they have ever played made them even more humble than usual. I'd like to also nominate Guitarist Ben Wells for "Fucking Nutty Headbanger Of The Year, 2008" as his head looked like it was going to fall off his neck on a number of occasions. Rob Flynn would be impressed.

As they continued to mix up the tunes from their first and second album - "The Bitter End" was a particularly intense breakdown that instigated a surprisingly swirling pit - the real BSC moment came from when the guys from Sevendust came out and took over some of the guitar duty, whilst John Fred Young left the skins and came stage front with a harmonica, leaving Chris to take care of the drums. A truly exceptional display, serious fucking groove from all involved.

John Fred still ain't exactly the world's best drummer - he can play like a demon but struggles to keep time as he gets a wee bit excited! His trick of throwing the sticks away and carrying on with just his hands is funny as fuck though; I watched the dude from Whitesnake doing exactly the same thing round a mate's house the night before.

Unfortunately we had to leave early due to the spasticated nature of Sunday trains but the hour-and-a-bit we saw of Black Stone Cherry reaffirms my belief that they are going to be bigger than they ever thought possible. Hailing from a town of 1,500-odd in the dirty South, I can see these guys reaching venues ten times this size. The crowd was a mix of 40-year-old rockers, bikers, emo kids, metallers - all of whom belonged there. BSC are a truly universal band - I just hope their ever-growing popularity doesn't dilute the rawness of their music.

And then it happened...again

As you can see from my last post ("And then it happened", December 6th) Slipknot have recently exposed me to the most exquisite visual/aural spectacle that metal can offer. I really thought I'd struggle to find something comparable in terms of sheer experience. Whoever the next gig was, it was going to be a tough one...

I got tickets for Trivium's intimate gig at London's Borderline ("I Stand Corrected...", November 23rd) and have been looking forward to it a fair ol' bit. Unfortunately Hot Chick couldn't make it to the show with me, which is kinda like Page without Plant, or an XL cheeseburger without bacon. So, with teary resolve, I found a surrogate gig buddy in KillerLeah, a sound Kiwi mate of mine. She's not in to metal in any way, shape or form but is interested in music, likes the Foos, Chilis; that kinda rock ting. A couple of beers, quick Guinness in Crobar (baptism of fire for a girl not used to the metal vibe) and in we went.

Happily there was a merch stand - don't tend to get those in the intimate settings. The thing that surprised me the most was how small and pretty empty The Borderline was. It has an official capacity of 275 but you could easily shoehorn another couple of hundred in there. This is metal, after all; we're used to the taste of each other's sweat. Chugged a few Tuborgs and on the Florida thrashers came to a pretty loud reception, considering the size of the crowd.

First song was "Kirisute Gomen" off "Shogun" and if I'm 100% honest, at this point I thought it was just going to be an A-Z "Shogun" run through. Which would be fine but a bit, well, predictable. Yet again, keeping to form, I was fucking miles off.

Bearing in mind the last gig in this size of venue was the dire Staind affair at the Hard Rock ("Um, hello???", September 23rd), I was apprehensive that we'd get some diva behaviour from these boys but once they'd blown "Kirisute" out, the banter started. Matt Heafy, fucking massive hair and all, was more than up for a bit of chat. Refreshing, considering he's often portrayed as a bit sullen and "frontman" in the music press. However, the biggest surprise for me was that only a few minutes in, they introduced "Like Light To Flies" from "Ascendancy". This is the song that got them their major airtime and as far as I'm concerned, one of their greatest achievements. Heafy dutifully caned himself for the laughable hair he has in the video before fucking shredding the shit out of this tune. I chucked my (well, Hot Chick's) camera at KillerLeah and got my white ass right into the shit. Now, I say "into the shit" but a pit of about 5 people doesn't really count. However, being about 5 feet from the stage whilst they were hammering through this tune was something else.

As the night continued, a few more beers were consumed by crowd and band alike and the banter increased. Trivium were having an absolute blast and subsequently, so were we. Travis Smith, Paolo Gregoletto and Corey Beaulieu ripped the piss out of each other, had some "in" jokes, and at one point, indulged in a Dave Chappelle "Lil' Jon" exchange of "Whaaaat??? Yeeeeaaaah!" That might make no sense to anyone reading this but YouTube it - funny as fuck.

The set list was virtually non-existent and 90% of the gig seemed to come about after a quick exchange between the lads on stage. For example, the first verse and chorus of Maiden's "The Trooper" ended because Heafy couldn't remember any more lyrics and Metallica's "Cyanide" from "Death Magnetic" opened when he said "apparently we sound like them so we may as well play one", a sentiment greeted with roars of appreciation from an increasingly lubed crowd. Heafy did play one comedy mainstream song but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Something by The Darkness, perhaps?

Trivium managed to make two guys' nights at The Borderline. One lank haired, sweaty looking metaller was offered the opportunity to get on Travis's kit and play along with one song and to be fair, he did a good job (the over-the-top double-pedal solo when he sat down is EXACTLY what I would have done). A chubby dude with glasses then got hauled up to play rhythm guitar with Matt for an entire song and his elation was obvious. Lucky c*nts.

However, when the boys started coming in to the crowd, that's when my night was made. I held Matt Heafy's arm aloft as he was roaring into the mic, and now officially think he considers me his best mate...perhaps... KillerLeah had her arm around Corey Beaulieu as he shredded his way through the crowd and the whole place was more like a sweaty garage in Florida, where a load of mates were watching a few more of their mates play some tunes, not a few super fans watching a 3,000-room band.

At not one point over the whole evening did Trivium make me feel anything other than respect for them. They know they have their critics - a lot of critics - but they played up to this. Heafy finished one song and began chanting "Slayer! Slayer!", which is what was happening on their recent Unholy Alliance tour with the thrash gods. They had a drink with us, let us play their instruments, and made my mate KillerLeah think seriously about her choice of gigs for the coming months. They got in the crowd, they sweated with us, they let one of their guitar techs use the stage to propose to his girlfriend (very sweet moment). They were a group of four lads having a fucking top time on their last show of 2008 in the smallest venue since they played Barfly in 2005.

I never thought Trivium would top Slipknot. But they just might have done it.

And then it happened

The day after Filth Fest was one of the most exciting of my life. Chugging a brew on the train into town, I got that "I'm so excited I might need more then a few poos" gut. I was only hours away from finally seeing the mighty Slipknot.

Public transport conspired against me and Hot Chick and we got to the venue late, which meant we missed Children of Bodom. To describe this as annoying or frustrating would be like describing Robert Mugabe as "a bit tetchy". However, Hot Chick helped me not go mental and kill someone by leading me to the merch stand. I do love a tour T. I found out Bodom are playing a headline show at the same venue in February so it's not the end of the world.

Machine Head came on with the inevitable "MACHINE FUCKING HEAD" chants reverberating around the room. And they absolutely destroyed it. When you watch Machine Head you feel like you're at the apex of the evening. After them, it must be time for bed. Hammering through "Imperium" and new banger "Halo", the crowd was immersed in their Bay area thrash from start to finish. Rob Flynn managed to cane some of the lazier members of the crowd, asking them if they were ever going to headbang or whether they'd prefer a sandwich and a glass of milk, before chucking some Jaegermeister their way. I couldn't believe there was anyone standing still; as Flynn said, this wasn't a fucking Good Charlotte concert. He is an awe-inspiring front man and truly adds to the performance. This is the third time I've seen the Fucking Head and every time, Flynn has owned the venue. He never fails to introduce the whole band, is grateful for the support and hates people who don't headbang. Oh, and he loves a good pit. I have never seen a band that could follow these guys............(you can see where this is going)....

Until now.

Joey Jordisson's new mask/gloves have become the new face of Slipknot and as the curtain opened, there he was atop a fucking epic drum kit. The rest of metal's biggest line-up followed and quite simply, it went off.

Pounding through "Surfacing", "The Blister Exists" and quite awesomely, "Eeyore", I felt like I was being raped in the ear by a selection of large mammals. The lights, sounds, pyro, vocals all combined to make the most intense live experiences I have ever been witness to. Corey Taylor is the only front man I have ever seen who could follow Rob Flynn for interaction and entertainment. After virtually every song he gave us a bit of chat, told us how much they loved us fucking maggots - really makes you feel wanted. The crowd interaction on "Eyeless" and "Duality" was predictably perfect but it was during "Spit It Out" that you couldn't help feeling like you were part of something special. Allow me to explain; you all sit down as the song builds and then, guided by Mr. Taylor, the whole crowd jumps the fuck up as the tune crescendos. Simple but effective. 4,000 people sitting in lager and spit, brought together as one. The cock in front of me who didn't sit the fuck down got half of my beer over him - I do hate a killjoy.

Throughout the whole show, DJ Sid went a-wandering, doing pull-ups on Clown's barrels as they were continually lifted up and down on a pneumatic plinth. The cameras pointing at the crowd and playing on a screen in front of Mr. Crahan was inspired as it kept the maggots in the pit going insane. If you looked at any area of the stage, from the gargantuan form of Mick Thompson to the unexpected windmill headbanging of Jim Root, to Chris Fehn beating off his dick nose to Craig "133" Jones standing dead still apart from a vicious nail-ridden headbang, there was always something going on. The whole band were immersed in the gig and this really affected the crowd. It's not just Corey Taylor's passion that gives this lot momentum but the fact that each and every one of them add a different, equally important ingredient to the recipe. I'm going to stop gushing now before I end up felating them.

An encore of "(515)", "People = Shit" and "sic" kept the intensity until the very end. Joey's now infamous pneumatic drum stand went up tilted, rotated, and kept us going ballistic up to the final chords of the evening. "Thank you"'s were uttered, horns and drum sticks were thrown - in one instance, Joey personally singled out someone in the crowd for his burly security guard to give a stick to. If he'd have gone in himself, we would have almost definitely witnessed an Alice Cooper/chicken incident.

I cannot think of enough positives to describe this night. With the exception of the fucking queue for the cloak room, it was simply phenomenal. Slipknot performed material from all four main albums and didn't rely on the singles. A personal highlight for me was "Disasterpiece" - love that tune. For a band to combine such brutality with eloquent expression and respect for the people that got them where they are shows that they are some of the most level-headed rock stars out there. And for a band that used to puke on each other and throw shit across the stage, that's a big fucking surprise.

The bar for every future gig has been raised, beaten up, kissed, punched and shat on. Slipknot: I love you.