Death, darkness and hair metal

What can I say? It's been a while but alas ye old thundercunt known as my day job has been keeping me busy.

So what's new? A highlight for me was getting a message from my stadium gig brother in arms Shithouse asking me what DevilDriver album he should buy. I'm glad my constant praise is not going unnoticed. I might drop Dez and the boys a line as they clearly fucking owe me.

I also bumped into Metal Hammer editor Alexander Milas outside London's finest metal drinkery The Crobar. Unfortunately I was spannered and ended up dribbling utter bollocks at him for 10 minutes. However, we exchanged emails the next day and seemingly he doesn't think I'm as much of a fucking waffling imbecile as I actually am, so we're good.

Now back to the music. I've never been. A big Job For A Cowboy fan, not because of the typical loathing these guys have received from the "they're not Death, therefore they're shit" brigade, but simply because I don't like them. Don't get me wrong, Jon Rice on the drums is frankly superhuman but Jonny Davy's vocals sound hideously immature. I've seen JFAC live twice and both times I've not even registered a semi. Still, my mate The Red Wizard was all over their new outing Runiation so I gave it some ear time as he knows his shit. And I still can't get excited about them. Yes, it's heavy as fuck. Yes, there's sheer insanity with the musicianship but for me, it's like the fifth wank of the day; hard work and unrewarding.

On the other hand, Goatwhore's Carving Out The Eyes Of God is a fucking pounder of an album that makes you want to eat porcelain and rip open old people. It's 40 minutes of sheer, unbridled heaviness which ain't for the weak and feeble. Listen to this album and try not to punch yourself in the face. It's a struggle.

In complete contrast, I cannot get enough of Outloud's debut album We'll Rock You To Hell And Back. It's so fucking good it's untrue. It's like the bastard child of Europe, Whitesnake, Motley and DragonForce. I reviewed it a while back for MetalasFuck and it's been in my ears ever since. To all you 80s hair/power metal fans, fucking buy this now or you are quite frankly retarded.

Keeping things black and poorly recorded, I'm enjoying Croatian depressives Infernal Tenebra's 2001 debut Beneath The Twilight. This ridiculously atmospheric prog-black metal outing sounds like it's been recorded on someone's mobile phone in a garden shed but there's no denying the lack of sunshine in these boy's lives. This ain't for mass consumption but if you want something a bit off piste, it's a worthy listen.

I'm also lucky enough to have just got a copy of Amon Amarth's The Crushor reissue, which includes loads of live shit in addition to the 2000 album, plus the full Ninjaspy album, so much more of that to come. And a date for your diary fuckers - February 18th, 2010; Machine Head playing a one-off at Brixton. Get tickets as soon as you can because this is going to be more brutal than a bare knuckle cage fight between Kerry King and Dakota Fanning.

Right, time to suck today's dick.

Kill you all later.

\M/

If you only read one post this year...

...Make it this one.

Rarely do I hear something that makes me stop in my tracks and go "fuck me unkindly with a kitchen utensil, what the devil is this?!". A few bands have achieved this effect - Leatherface, Lagwagon, HIM - and now Ninjaspy. "Who the balls are Ninjaspy?" I hear you murmur with vague interest. Well, let me tell you a story...

One of my Canada-based metallic amigos, JLittle4, kindly sent me a link to the Ninjaspy MySpace with the suggestion that I would shit my pants upon hearing their stuff. With that kind of promise, who could resist a listen?

With song titles such as Hit By a Cement Mixer and Out of Tampons I wasn't entirely sure what to expect but anticipated something Anal Cunt-esque. Instead, I was greeted with something that sounds, um, it's like...okay, bear with me here:

36 Crazyfists are playing pool with the Voodoo Glow Skulls. In walks System of a Down and puts a huge stack of £1 coins on the table, then stands impatiently waiting for the game to finish. Dani Filth's been drinking for five hours, wanders through, knocks the coins over, and smashes a couple of drinks. 36 Crazyfists pocket the money, much to the chagrin of SOAD, who proceed to start swinging pool cues at all and sundry, including bar man Randy Blythe. A glass gets thrown into the jukebox which starts playing NOFX's Heavy Petting Zoo album. Amidst the chaos, someone hits record on an 8-track. The noise they capture is Ninjaspy.

This is the most unique music I've heard for a long time. The structure of the songs is so damn complicated that you never know where it's going next. Are you going to be in a circle pit, are you going to be skanking, are you going to be holding a lighter in the air? More often than not it will be all of the above. The vocals are somewhere between deranged and beautiful, the bass lines are hypnotic but wounding, it's all over the fucking shop and is ABSOLUTELY AWESOME.

Now enough of this reading nonsense and subject your ears to their MySpace. With an intro from Lamb Of God, Meshuggah, Gojira and Static-X you know this shit is worth a listen.

Mucus and Metal

The rumours are true. I, MADman, have jumped into the infected gang and got myself swine flu. I'm quarantined in my flat, I'm coughing and sneezing up an array of colourful, flavoursome treats and I've got as much energy as an obese paraplegic with a hangover. To give you an idea of how shit I feel, I can't even be bothered to look at Internet porn.

I know.

However, being stuck on the sofa does have it's benefits. I got to listen to the whole of DevilDriver's Pray For Villains completely uninterrupted, plus watch the bonus DVD that came with the special edition. By now I'm sure most of you that are fans will have heard the album but if not, it's by far their most accomplished work to date. The fact that it was written and recorded in four weeks is staggering, with each individual band member bringing something fucking punishing to the party in each song.

There's a real mixture of sounds and vibes on Pray For Villains, from the intensely Southern style of Back With a Vengeance and It's In The Cards to the atmospheric Amon Amarth guitar sounds on Forgiveness is a Six Gun. It's clear the Resurrection BLVD is going to be the main topic of conversation around this album though as it's the closest I can ever see DevilDriver getting to a ballad.

There isn't a single criticism I can make of this album. Those of you who know me know I'm a bit of a 'Driver fan but even so, I'm objective to the last. If this was shit, I'd [reluctantly] say so. A DVD highlight for me is John Boecklin laying down the drum tracks for Fate Stepped In and Teach Me To Whisper as he gets the most phenomenal sound from his double-kick and treats the skins like they truly are his bitch. The whole of the film continues to show just how nice a bunch of blokes DevilDriver are. Hearing this new album though, I can guarantee that when they play this shit live, the pits will be anything but nice.

Speaking of anything but nice, a mate of mine recently recommend I inflict The Axis Of Perdition upon my sensitive ears. This Northern troupe of industrial-black-ambient metallers create a sound somewhere in between Gregorian chant, violent dysentery and an English literature lecture. Their MySpace may only have three songs but these'll take you about half an hour to get through. It's the sort of music you'd have running through your dreams if you went to bed after eating a kilo of strong cheese. It's completely fucked up and well worth a listen. I would strongly recommend not being in a bad mood first though, or you may end up making an armchair out of your mother.

I've managed to get a few more videos from Download '09 up on my YouTube page, so feel free to have a peruse but I shall no doubt be updating Metal Harmony again soon, for I currently have little more to do apart from sit in a pool of my own mucus and watch American chat shows. Entertaining as a woman from Alabama who thinks one of 23 men might be her "baby daddy" is, I think music may be the only thing that stops me from going stir fuckin' crazy.

Moo.

A thousand apologies

I'm back; dry your tears. Apologies for my lack of updates of late but I've had a few bits to do for the guys at MetalasFuck.net which has meant my writing time has been limited.

"But MADman, no-one cares!" I hear you cry. Well that's just fucking charming.

So recently, there's been a fair bit happening on my musical radar. Firstly, the frankly embarrassingly, um, embarrassing banning of Behemoth's "Ov Fire And Void" video from YouTube. For those of you who haven't seen it, go have a look. It's intense, there are some boobies but there's nothing hugely extraordinary there. It's an inflammatory subject matter but fucking hell kids, this is death metal. I've stuck a link to the video (plus my rant against censorship below the vid) in my Cool Shit list.

I've also had the pleasure of reviewing the new Outloud album, plus the "experience" of the new Vader album. Outloud are so fantastically 80s hair metal you can't help but love them. Vader are a bit shit. There you go; now you don't have to read the reviews.

So back on planet Metal Harmony, I'm a bit of a sad chappy. After getting accreditation for Bloodstock 2009, I've had to relinquish my pass due to sheer butt-fuckingly frustrating logistics. I'm there for next year's 10-year anniversary though so, uh, stay tuned for a year...

It's all a bit quiet on the gig front though. I'm hoping to get to Steel Panther, plus have DevilDriver and Throwdown in the space of one week booked up for October. I cannot talk about this further as I may reach climax and to be honest, now is not the time. But for those of you who value my opinion (of whom there must be at least two of you) dates for the diary are:

December 16th - Sylosis, Relentless Garage, Camden

January 30th (2010, idiots) - Hardcore Superstar, Relentless Garage, Camden

Both of these will be the nuts so I would recommend going unless you are an absolutely massive cunt.

That's me done for now as I need a shit.

Rain, brutality and art

I'm on the train, it's summer, it's pissing with rain, and my super special mega fan fuck off gnarly edition of DevilDriver's 'Pray for Villains' still hasn't turned up, despite the fucking thing being released over two weeks ago. I can only assume the American distributors are sending it to me by retarded bicycle courier.

So in theory, I should be in a bit of a shitty mood. Am I fuck. "But why ever not?" I hear none of you ask, let alone care. You see, the kind people at MetalAsFuck are currently seeking accreditation for the forthcoming Bloodstock festival, which would mean a press pass for this MADman, enabling me to chuck the ol' horns up to the likes of Amon Amarth, Carcass, Arch Enemy, Cradle Of Filth and...wait for it...Europe (fuck yeah!). So, fingers crossed. Are they crossed? Then I'll continue.

Also just around the corner, straight on for 200 yards and second turning on the left is London's Metalfest 3; a celebration of all things horrible taking place in Camden on August 8th. Headlined by Download-impressers Sylosis this 8-hour orgy of all that is savage looks pretty shit hot.

On a slightly less brutal note, and bringing a bit of culture to Metal Harmony, I command you lot to check out the art of Simon Mitchell. I've known this punk reprobate for about a decade and his love of the traditionally mohawked way has lead him to work on posters and album art for a number of bands, including Fat Wreck favourite The Dickies. If you're a fan of cartoons and being fucked up, check out the link in my list.

I've also just reviewed the new album by Cain's Offering for MetalAsFuck so have a read of that too.

More band shit and inexplicable waffling to come soon folks...

How hard is it to get a sandwich?

I know it's often hilariously touted as a "typically British pass time, a-ha, a-ha" but I fucking hate queuing. I also hate being hungry. Ergo, being hungry and in a queue makes me a little bit the wrong side of pissed off.

As I work in London's glorious den of drug-hazed sexual iniquity that is Soho, I'm surrounded by eateries from every corner of the globe. However, I tend to bring my own lunch in - please see my opening sentence. But today this wasn't possible so I had to venture out into the detritus-filled suit swamp that surrounds my office.

I am a simple man of simple means. A nice sandwich was all I required. Plus, I was hoping to find something that didn't require me to sell a kidney to afford.

Once I'd waded through the sea of flamboyant homosexuals and wannabe socialites to my destination, I saw the queue and though "oh deary me, that seems awfully long", or words to that effect, so continued my trek.

This happened 6 more times.

6 fucking times.

It's hot outside, I'm sweating, and now I'm eating a disgusting flaccid salad from a chain store super pharmacy I shall call "Shoes" to avoid any aggro. I have spent half of my lunch hour avoiding the over-sized handbags and oh-so-Bohemian flowing garments of a million wankers and am now in a terrible mood.

Listening to Type O Negative's "Dead Again" was a terrible decision too.

I know this isn't a very metal post but fuck it, you've read it now.

Sound of progress

A mention from a friend, a Tweet on a social networking site - a couple of ways in which I'd heard about UK progressive metallers Stone Circle. As you may already know, I have a raging boner for unsigned UK metal bands so have given these guys a good listen.

The first song, "Eastern Skies" leads you to make the embarrassingly obvious Opeth comparison but cards on the ol' table, it pretty much sounds exactly like Opeth. In every way. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I'm not really a prog fan.

Did I not mention that? Oh dear.

This being said, "Crystal Burial" is a solid outing, despite opening as a virtual carbon copy of Coheed and Cambria's "Welcome Home". The introductory guitar harmony runs for the first minute or so but rather than Claudio Sanchez's slightly whingey babblings we're greeted with Joe Ashwin's "two pints of Coke in quick succession burp"-sounding growl. Mikael Akerfeldt would be proud. The Spanish guitar style break is impressive and as the song kicks in you can feel a crescendo building but for me, maybe a little bit of synth to add another level here. No? Fuck you then. I think Ashwin does a good job throughout "Crystal Burial" of keeping the listener engaged, and wade through the first few minutes of this song to find a frankly staggering moment of calm which is unexpected, and I fucking loved it.

"Plague" kicks off bizarrely sounding a bit like Alter Bridge's "White Knuckle" but with vocals you'd only get out of Myles Kennedy if you poured molten iron into his throat and threw him in a cement mixer. The blastbeats are a bit, um, well, unconvincing. Drummer Sam Hill clearly ain't Derek Roddy but to give him his dues, this ain't really death metal.

Then something irregular happens. "Parchment" shows an awesome synergy between Joe Ashwin and Tom Skelton but to be brutal, I don't get this song at all. It's a great indie singalong but I didn't come hear to wear thick glasses, put on a cardigan, go to Camden and generally be a cunt; I came here to rock and this song doesn't. It fits in like a 12" strap at playgroup. It's like ordering a pint of Guinness and getting an egg sandwich. It's just not right.

"Nosferatu" is safer ground for Stone Circle. The rhythm section get more of an outing here, with bass man James Pearce accompanied by a bit more enthusiasm on the kick drum during the slower sections. It smells a bit like Ashwin's throat's giving up though; the belly-deep anger of the first couple of tunes seem a tad tinny but as I always say with MySpace reviews, a lot of that shit's down to the fact this ain't done in Abbey Road.

"Purgatory" for me has the most solid opening of all the songs. Everyone meaty here; guitars are low, vocals are lower, bass is throbbing. But again, it just, well, goes on. There are so many layers it's difficult to really get in to the groove of the tune.

Maybe it's just me though? Maybe I don't get prog and am subsequently a bellend? I can cope with prog if it's a hot day, I've a beer in my hand, I'm sitting on the ground with Hot Chick, smoking a fag, chilling in general, and there's other shit going on. It's awesome music to have on in the background but it's not my scene in terms of standing in a room, eyes front, know what I mean?

I don't want this to come across negative as it really isn't. Stone Circle are fucking good at what they do. If you're a fan of the Opeth's and Dream Theatre's of this world you would be absolutely fucking retarded not to like this band. Click on the MySpace page; listen for yourself.

But with all prog I always feel a bit empty. Damn that fucking egg sandwich.

Not something for the train journey

There are some nice things in the world. A cold beer in the sunshine on a hot day, the smell of a fresh steak on a barbecue, the scream of Metro Station's fans as the lead singer is pushed under a train.

There are some things that aren't nice, like people with halitosis yawning, genocide, warm lager. And Sa-Da-kO

Not to be confused with commuter time-hemorrhage Sudoku, Sa-da-kO are a five-piece death/grind band from way up North. There's a distinctly oriental theme to these bruiser's blogs so I can make the educated assumption that the name is taken from the scary long-haired chick that crawls out of the TV at the end of The Ring. However, this is a big hit with MADman as I'm a huge fan of Japanese culture, so was intrigued to dig into their MySpace. And they are not nice.

Demo tunes "rEd" and "Name Your God" open the set of eight songs in the kind of noise you'd expect if Lamb Of God walked up to Atreyu in a chainsaw factory and called their mum's a bunch of slags. The immediately harsh guitar slaps you round the chops and in my opinion, vocalist Jim Arnold absolutely shreds his throat to open the demo. In fact, it seemed a bit rude sitting down whilst listening to "Name Your God" and I felt I should try and get a wall of death going with Hot Chick. There's a vocal break that has Dimmu Borgir-like qualities and reminded me a great deal of the initial slow down in "The Serpentine Offering", only with less Nordic atmosphere.

The third tune "The Struggle" didn't felate me in the same way as the openers but, with similarities to Disturbed's "Sons Of Plunder" on the intro, it's still worthy of some ear time. My one possible criticism about the first four songs is that "Ju-on" could have gone into a mental halfbeat breakdown after the first couple of bars; this tune has the potential to create fucking carnage in the pit so I would have liked a to hear a bit of variation here.

"It Grows" shows a Black Dahlia Murder style to Jim's vocal and, if properly produced, should be on a demo. I can see legs, arms, bottles of piss and babies being chucked around a pit once this piece reaches full swing. "False Prophecy" gives us a traditional "bit from a horror film" intro, with a poor woman being terrorised by some sort of mean demon types, before we get toe-punted in the cock by Jim and the crew as the song kicks in. Interestingly, this number takes us back to the horror narrator midway through, giving an interesting depth to an otherwise pretty traditional thrash chugger.

The last couple of tunes lose the initial impact for me but overall, this is a fucking fantastic display of garage death metal. If Jim Arnold can hold on to his vocal chords before they rupture into some kind of pissing gore shower, I can see myself banging my head off of a stage in front of this bunch of reprobates in the not too distant future.

Check them out in my "Cool Shit" list.

A day of new stuff...

First and foremost, big thanks to Manda Ashby at In Skin, Tunbridge Wells, for a painless couple of hours resulting in the epically good bit of ink you can see at the bottom of this page. If you need any serious tatt work done, give MADman a shout and I'll put you in touch. A load of our crew have work from Manda and every piece is fucking ace.

Following on from a nice new bit of scarring, I dutifully adjourned to the public house for light ale and civilised conversation. One of these conversations was with SNM, our resident Namibian mentalist. When he's not challenging people to drink their body weight in Jaegermeister, SNM is a follower of the metal church and suggested I have a wee looky at African metal band K.O.B.U.S; as a wannabe scribe, it was my duty to do so.

K.O.B.U.S. sing entirely in Afrikaans so with the exception of "fuck", you can understand pretty much sod all in terms of lyrics. However, I've yet to meet anyone who can sing along word for word with George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher so this really isn't a problem. The first track I experienced was "Honger", which is a simple but effective three-minute chug that no doubt incites absolute bedlam when played to the fans. Then only problem I had with the song is the accompanying video. It looks like a couple of pretentious students have tried to remake The Shining, Phantom Of The Opera and The Prodigy's infamous "Smack My Bitch Up" video in their parent flat on a budget of £20. Quite frankly, laughably bad. But that's beside the point. "Honger" is a stamp-around-with-an-angry-face belter with real parallels to be drawn with Motorhead in terms of the vocal style, speed and the guitar tone. Combine this with a Max Cavalera-esque pitch to vocalist Francois Breytenbach Blom's rantings and you've got a serious metal moment.

"Tienerangs" (roughly translated as "Teenage Angst") is subtitled and as such, makes it a bit easier to understand. As you can probably gauge from the title, the tune is savage assault on all things whingey and emo, with numerous suggestions that the perpetrators of regular complaints should engage in intercourse with themselves. The song itself is faster than "Honger" but for me, it doesn't have the same impact. I can't help but think this sort of "fuck you" message has been done. And done. And done.

"Hoenderman" is a song about dreaming of chickens that drink our beer, apparently. Fuck knows....

K.O.B.U.S are a not brutal but they are fucking heavy. The harshness of the Afrikaans inflection in Francois Breytenbach Blom's vocals adds a rawness to the music which gives it that garage feel. You an imagine watching these guys destroy a room, then go to the bar for a beer with their fans. They're simple, angry, harsh, and want to kick your face in.

I know little of African metal but seemingly there are some bands making real moves to cross over from local heros to international names. K.O.B.U.S are only on my radar due to SNM's recommendations but based on this mob, I can see myself exploring this interesting genre further. If you like it heavy, give them a listen - the K.O.B.U.S MySpace link's in my Cool Shit list as per.

Until next time...

I am Metal As Fuck

But I am! Okay, so I might like HIM but fuck you.

Yes, I've been drinking. But hey, it happens.

Seemingly this MADman has something of value to add to the metallic world of metal metalness. Over the coming months, I'm gonna be contributing to MetalAsFuck.net, an Australian site dedicated to the most brutal of metal. So, this is a short post but if you there's any of you who want to get some airtime, shout at your MADman - let's show the antipodeans that we do it harder, faster and more often than anyone else in the world.

My first review is of the album Winter Hours by upcoming doom metallers Tombs - there's a link, as usual, in my "Cool Shit" list.

Keep in touch beautiful fuckers.

MADman

Infectious 'Virus

A couple of my esteemed metal colleagues have told me about a local band that, in their opinions, are worth breaking your neck to. So, in my never ending pursuit of all that is metal, I gave them a listen.

EchoVirus are a Brighton, England, based band who sit on the thrash/death border. Their MySpace page is well designed, which is always a bonus, and there's a couple of sample songs on there (although I'd avoid the somewhat bizarre "megamix" third track).

The first track, "New Gods", comes straight from the Lamb Of God school of "fuck the build up, have this". There's no doubt that it's an intense introduction and I was pleasantly surprised by their vocalist (known simply as "Dan"). With the half-beat snare and double axe attack intro, I was anticipating a Glen Benton-esque death growl but was instead greeted by a mid-range snarl that fitted perfectly to the music. There's no doubt Children Of Bodom are a massive influence on these guys and Dan does a great Alexi Laiho. There's also strong similarities with Arch Enemy and Michael Amott seems to be the benchmark for both EchoVirus axemen (Dan's voice ain't quite Angela Gossow but then, who's is??)

Song two, "Once The Hero", has a fantastic guitar harmony and is pure cut and paste fucking thrash. With the exception of the vocals, this tune is very "Ascendancy"-era Trivium (oh, don't start that "but they're so shit" nonsense because they simply fucking aren't). The song then leaps into a circle pit inducing pace, then they slow it up, then straight back in. Horns will be thrown and cheek bones will be broken to this song. My one criticism of this tune is that the guitar solo doesn't really fit in, although this is more than likely just a production issue.

In my humble yet ridiculously important opinion, EchoVirus are shit hot. Okay, there's nothing ground-breakingly unique about the music but this is metal - we like it rough and we like it loud, and this is exactly what's delivered.

I'm looking forward to taking in a live 'Virus experience in the not too distant future. Watch this space and the band's MySpace page (I've put the link in on my "Cool Shit" list) for further details...

Oh, and I've nearly got the Download videos updated, which includes a frankly epic six-minute Journey affair that will bring a tear to your eye. Unless you're a total helmet.

Drum and bass-ically pretty boring...

Being a bit slack, I still hadn't had the opportunity to listen to Pedulum's "In Silico" album from start to finish but today, whilst sitting in my sauna hot Swedish turbo barge, I had an hour on the road to kill. So on it went.

The opening tune, "Showdown", is one of the enthusiastic crowd pleasers that tend to dominate their festival sets and yes, I did turn it up to a level that made my speakers teeter on the edge of destruction. But then it all got a bit, well, unexceptional. The problem (if you can call it that) with Pendulum is that their live shows are astonishingly good. Download 2008 saw Pendulum getting more crowd surfing than any other band. They create the kind of buzz that one would expect from hooking a car battery up to damp testicles, and the grinding synth sound is hugely infectious.

However, stick this on a CD and it really doesn't work for me. There's no arguing that singles "Granite" and "Propane Nightmares"are exceptional tunes that do make you want to do that funny-hand-pointy-suck-cheek-in dance like a total cock, but maybe that's just because I've seen them live and was remembering how good these tunes were when looking up at the stage.

In essence, "In Silico" is like having 8 pints of strong continental lager then trying to have sex. You get all psyched up, it starts out great but after a while, it's only operating at about 60% efficiency, starts to get uninspired and lazy, and 45 minutes in you just can't wait for it to finish.

Don't get me wrong, you should absolutely go and see Pendulum live. Just don't bother buying the CDs.

"Not a day goes by...

...when I don't spare you a thought"

The prophetic lyrics of one Frankie Stubbs, frontman of Sunderland punk legends Leatherface; one of, if not the most important band in my life.

"But MADman, why are you being such a dramatic fucklordassmonkey?" I hear you ask. Well it upon my knee, young child, and your weird uncle will tell you a story...

On my eleventh birthday, my primary school embarked on it's annual coach trip to the Isle of Wight (stick with me, this isn't as boring as it sounds). As a birthday present, Bro Dude had made me a tape. For all the younglings out there, tapes were pieces of plastic that you usually had to rewind with a Bic pen as most...oh, hang on, a Bic pen is an orange plastic...ah, fuck it.

Right, so I get on the coach and I've got my Sony Walkman and my 90-minute TDK. Side one is some album by this band Nirvana called "Nevermind" and on the other side is this album called "Mush" by some mob known as Leatherface.

Side one was ready to go and as soon as the opening chords of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" kicked in, I had a revelation. Kind of like the first time you have a dream about a girl where you, you know, do stuff. Or the first time you smoke a cigarette and vomit out the back of your mate's nan's shed. Until this point I'd been listening to pretty much chart music - my mum kept it real with the Neil Young, Steely Dan, Crosby Stills and Nash vibe but this, for the first time, was loud. My music collection extended to East 17's "Walthamstow" and "Monster Hits Vol. 3" and all of a sudden there was this noise. Rough sounding, angry; I was fucking away. In fact, I distinctly remember not hearing the bus sing "happy birthday" as I was so overawed by the music. Ungrateful little fucker.

So "Nevermind" came to a close. "Fuck me", thought I, "that was pretty good shit". Flipped the tape, and in comes Frankie and the boys. "I Want The Moon" is one of the best openers to an album I've ever heard. You get no intro, you get no warning, it doesn't build up, it comes in at whatever volume the Walkman's on and fucking stays there.

Then the vocals start and your sucked in. They're pure gravel, they're clearly owned by a man who drinks 3 litres of Jack Daniels, smokes 60 Bensons and gargles with flaming tyres every day. And then it happened; "How Lonely" smashed into my ears and on first listen, almost made me cry, which was a bit weird seeing as at this point, I had no experience of punk, metal, grunge, whatever - this was just such a fucking palm-shaggingly good song that I didn't really know what to think.

I listened to "Nevermind" and "Mush", flipping the tape over and over as each album finished, all the way to the Isle of Wight, on every excursion on our three-day visit, and then all the way back to London. Then I listened to it every night in my bedroom, and then I listened to it when me and my parents drove to Cornwall from London, and all the way back. And although "Nevermind" to me has been played to death for the last decade-and-a-half, "Mush" still gets played at least once a week.

Leatherface got me into punk. I loved Nirvana's grunge soundings, and "Territorial Pissings" remains one of the all time teenage headbang classics but Leatherface changed my world. I started getting into some of the old school shit (with help from Bro Dude, of course), plus bands like The Jam and The Police, and then started to find my own way with the Southern Californian punks - NoFX, Lagwagon, Mad Caddies, etc. - which got me into some of the Scandanavian hardcore like Satanic Surfers, which made me appreciate a violent vocal and savage drum sound...see where this is going?

I love Bro Dude for fundamentally changing my entire life with a single tape. I love Leatherface for recording, and to this day, performing the greatest punk tunes I've ever heard. I love the fact that Frankie Stubbs today became my friend on Facebook (cue imminent cringe-worthy geek email of adoration...)

You need Leatherface. Trust me on this one.

I'm off for some razorblades and asprin.

Jesus hates hippies

Look at the facts:

Glastonbury festival - hippies everywhere, thunder and lightning every year

Download festival - nothing but glorious sunshine

Ergo, Jesus is a metaller.

So a couple of things to look forward to over the coming weeks. The new DevilDriver album, "Pray For Villains" comes out on July 13th, which is colon-cleansingly exciting for a uberfan such as this MADman. I of course pre-ordered my copy, which comes complete with autographed booklet ("whilst supplies last", apparently - they better fucking had do), four bonus tracks, behind-the-scenes DVD and alternate cover artwork. Shipped from the grand ol' US of A, this came to about 25 notes so not too shabby at all. Now I just have to sit and wait until it arrives, at which point I'll stick it on full volume in the office and form a brutal circle pit with my no doubt unwilling colleagues.

Whilst we're on the subject of DevilDriver (which happens a lot), how fuckin' chuffed am I that they're touring in October?? Again, straight in to purchase tickets for myself and Hot Chick. It's got a Filth Fest vibe about it - 5pm Saturday start, five bands on the line up. With support from Behemoth, Suicide Silence, Trigger the Bloodshed and Malefice I can see this being a frankly ridiculous affair and imagine I'll lose a couple of items of clothing and/or teeth.

Right, I need to focus my energies on annihilating this hangover so must leave you now...

I'm a bargain hunter, twisted bargain hunter...

I must confess that this post's heading has absolutely no bearing on the content whatsoever. If you were expecting something about the Prodigy, I apologise.

On my lunchtime meandering around the transsexual crack dive that is Soho I wandered into HMV to check out the things I can no longer afford to buy (Download's fault but I care not). As usual, "2 for £10" is slap bang in front of you so I thought I'd amuse myself by seeing how many U2, Bruce Springsteen and Verve albums were on offer but fuck me, they had some actual good music today. Ramones, Clash, Korn, Prodigy (aha, a slight Prodigy reference...) - I was genuinely surprised. Usually I go to the back corner, skulk around the "Metal" section for ten minutes picking up Carcass albums and putting them down again, then leave. But today, I put my hand in my pocket and made a couple of purchases.

Number one is Korn's Greatest Hits, Vol. 1 - not entirely sure what following volumes will include as all the real quality is on here, from "Blind" to "Freak On A Leash", plus their seven-odd minute Pink Floyd "Another Brick In The Wall" cover. An obvious choice, really.

Number two was a bit more left field for me, as it's Pendulum's "In Silico". I'm a bit confused about Pendulum. To me, they're a drum and bass act but fuck me, the crowd go balls-in-a-wasps-nest mental at their gigs, and this aforementioned crowd is made up of everyone from sweaty vest-wearing fuckers like me to day-glow gloved cheesy Quavers. Although they look a bit erroneous on the Download poster, both last year and this they were immense. So sod it, why not? I first heard Pendulum when "Slam" came out donkey's years ago and thought it was a pretty good dance tune, and "Propane Nightmares" is undeniably insane so I'll be interested to hear the rest of the album.

Oh, and this month's Classic Rock has a history of metal, complete with a NWOTM (that's New Wave Of Traditional Metal for all you newbies) free CD on the front plus the Sisters Of Mercy's first interview in 12 years. How could I not take that puppy to the counter?

Until next time...

Download 2009, we salute you

What can I say? Download 2009 ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RULED. Not eloquent, I know, but it's difficult to express in more verbose terms just how much Download 2009 ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RULED...

So here it is, in as much as a nutshell as this MADman can muster...

Day 1:

Hot Chick and I arrived early doors and dutifully purchased our 68,000 beer tokens. The first act we were treated to were nu-metalish Hollywood Undead which to be fair, weren't my bag but seemed to be getting the crowd going pretty well for a main stage opener. Mind you, everyone was so spurred on by the fact that the event had just opened and the sun was shining that S Club 7 probably could have got a circle pit going.

Sylosis were the first brutally metal band we experienced. I didn't make visual contact with these guys due to a combination of my fat arse laying on the floor through heat exhaustion and there being a big crowd, but the guttural vocal and penetrating bass drum had me intrigued. More on these guys in the coming months...

I've been a fan of "The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle" by A Day To Remember since I first head it a couple of years ago and I've seen these guys in passing before but I was keen to take in the whole set. They played with a passion and energy which surprised me - I was expecting a traditionally smiley emo-tatsic affair but they were serious about kicking the shit out of Download and to be fair, they did a bloody good job.

The revelation for me for Day 1 was Dir En Grey. I've heard a lot about these Japanese oddballs, with comparisons with everyone in the world ("A frankly Dir, Duff announcement", March 30th 2009) so I was interested to see if they'd live up to their hype. I was frankly mesmerised. From the moment that vocalist Kyo kicked into a variety of high-end notes and bassy, grindcore vocals, I could not stop watching them. The songs had tons of layers and kept me engrossed. They're not an obvious band and need listening to but I can see myself becoming a proper, proper fan...

Billy Talent impressed Hot Chick but not I. Benjamin Kowalewicz's vocal did little more than piss me off. Too much screaming; not metal harsh screaming, just pretty gay screaming. They were followed by Killswitch Engage and as I expected, 80's-namesaked Howard Jones et al fucking destroyed their predecessors. Billy Talent didn't deserve the same stage.

And much against my better judgement, I thought Limp Bizkit were un-feckin'-believably good and a major highlight of the day. EVERYONE was singing along, EVERYONE was doing terrible wigger dancing, and EVERYONE was loving it, although not as much as the two guys old fat 'n' bald Durst pulled out of the crowd to sing on stage with him. Limp Bizkit were indeed in the house and to be fair, they brought it down.

So a million beers in, Motley Crue take to the stage and kick off with "Kickstart my Heart", which kickstarted a plethora of flashing titties and massive haired headbanging. As they ploughed through classics such as "Shout At The Devil", the crowd were feeling it, I was feeling it, but couldn't help thinking, "I'm missing Faith No More..."

So Round we went. Patton and the boys smashed through "Surprise, You're Dead", "Epic" and "Midlife Crisis" like they hadn't been apart for the last decade and a half. The atmosphere was ridiculous and Mike-to-tha-P was conversing with 80,000 people like he was chatting with some mates. A clear highlight of day 1. Oh, and I got sunburnt and pissed to fuck as well.

Day 2:

Five Finger Death Punch followed by Devildriver followed by Hatebreed. For me, the main stage was the place to be. 5FDP were unbelievable, combining the brutality of Hatebreed with the melody of Stone Sour in one pit-enducing orgy of violent bliss. Definitely up there in my top five sets of the weekend. However, as I love Devildriver with a quite gay passion, I have to put these guys up there. With Guinness World Records on hand to verify the circle pit, the dust flew as these Californian thrash gods flew into the 2010 book. Sadly, I was watching from afar. Sunburnt, old, hungover and/or drunk, I just couldn't get in in time... And then Hatebreed came onstage and essentially kicked us all in the spleen, spat in our beers and slapped our mum's behinds. Good work Jasta, good work.

Oh, and Lawnmower Deth? The best version of "Kids In America" I have ever heard. Search for it. It will change your life!

Hot Chick was incredibly impressed with Hardcore Superstar and from what I saw, they were a legitimate rock option for a ball-cookingly warm day 2. Of course, we couldn't miss DragonForce. I've loved these guys for a couple of years but I must confess, they do get a wee bit tedious with the ol' guitar wankery. And ZP Theart needs to stop introducing "Through The Fire And The Flames" as "The song that made Guitar Hero 3 famous!" - it's getting a bit dry. Am I falling out of love with the 'Force? Tbc...

Marilyn Manson managed to win my "Cunt Of The Weekend" award. A huge arsenal of potential tunes, a reputation for vile behaviour, a history of causing offence and disgust. His set was like watching the Antiques Roadshow, although Michael Aspel might have been more interesting. Absolute shite. He should be ashamed of himself. Especially as he was warming up the crowd for...

Slipknot. Winners of the "Performance of The Weekend" award. Kicking off with the first four tunes from their eponymous first album, the crowd were going fucking insane. There was not a single thing I can criticise about this set, apart from the renegade spastics who refused to "sit the fuck down" as Corey requested during "Spit It Out". This being said, 70,000-odd people launching into the sky as he shouts "JUMP THE FUCK UP!!!" is a sight/feeling to behold.

My one major beef with day 2 was the sound quality of the second stage. As a lifelong Prodigy fan, I couldn't wait to see them tear it up, as I haven't see them since Reading 1998. However, the sound was similar to if they were playing in an egg box in the boot of a Vauxhall Vectra. Which, to be honest, ate shit in a big way. Not the bands fault though, so my love stays strong.

Day 3:

Further sunburnt, despite the factor 50, hungover to hell and having eaten nothing but food made from the foreskin of impoverished livestock for 48 hours, I was feeling a touch weary. So an 11:30 Tuborg got me back on the right track. The first band we caught were Turbowolf, who were a System Of A Down-meets-Biffy Clyro kinda band who I quite enjoyed. Trigger The Bloodshed were, to be honest, less than believable. I just didn't feel that their singer was right but despite the drummer being a massive ginge, he was hitting the skins with savage ability. They were technically good but together, were a bit shit.

The highlight of Sunday was again, the main stage, with a Tesla, Skin, Black Stone Cherry, Journey fixture. I thought Tesla were miming as they were so damn tight but alas no, they were just 80's hair-tastically amazing. Skin were good fun too and Black Stone Cherry continue to be perhaps the most consistent band I have seen live. This was our fourth outing with the Kentucky quartet and they are still unable to hit a bum note.

But then there's Journey. All I can say is 50,000 people singing "Don't Stop Believing" is a beautiful thing. I'll have a video up shortly so watch this space. Despite the band being so old they forgot a fair few words, this set was probably second, maybe third, for the whole weekend.

Clutch were typically cool and Southern, with Mr. Fallon a amicable frontman. Hot Chick was teenage-tastic when decade-long crush Coby Dick took to the stage with Papa Roach who, although playing a tight set, suffered from poor sound much the same was as The Prodigy had the day before.

Seeing David "Ere's a song for ya" Coverdale singing "Is This Love" and "Here I Go Again" live is truly a spectacle. How a man so haggered and old can be such a damn sexy bastard is extraordinary. I'm not gay for Whitesnake but man, that guy is one smooth mufu'er.

So all that was left was Def Leppard. If I may be blunt, I was a touch disappointed. The Leppard are kinda a bit too chilled out to close a festival and I can't help feeling they're back catalogue doesn't have as many rousing party anthems as you'd like to think. Okay, the crowd were there for "Photograph" and "Let's Get Rocked" but apart from that, there was a lot of MOR rocking, which left some of the crowd so bored that they started a fire.

Well, there it is. No doubt Ive left a couple of bands out but what do you want from me? You're probably bored of reading, you probably were after day one, so don't bitch at me...sorry, I got a bit emotional. You see, I already miss Download. This year, I got to meet a drunken Dez from DevilDriver and Frederiq from DragonForce as they ran through the crowd like retards chasing a dead butterfly. They were happy to have photos taken and like everyone else, were having a fucking awesome time.

I'm tired now. Any questions, please let me know at some point. But to summarise, Download 2009; You were the daddy.

Nnnggggggg.......

That's my excited noise.

This time tomorrow I shall be spanking my ageing motor down the motorway, Hot Chick by my side, metal blaring out of the speakers, aiming for Derbyshire. Seemingly the weather is going to be shite but I care not, for there ain't a thang in the world that could dampen my spirits about this weekend. I may even go naked. Or not. People would ask for refunds on their tickets.

So much fuckin' rules about Download 2009. The fact that the line up is arse-juicingly savage and the booze is the same price as last year are big hits with this MADman but the revelation that Domino's Pizza are going to be in attendance made me weep with joy.

So this'll be my last post before the event itself. I fully intend to spend the next 3-4 days a combination of hugely drunk or hugely hungover. If you fancy that, let me know.

See you on the other side.

The secret's out

And alas, more rock doth come. Metal titans Thunder have been confirmed as one of the secret bands for this years Download, which adds to the plethora of pure headbanging awesomeness already on the bill! I can now confidently say that Download 2009 will be the hairiest event I will ever attend...

In addition, St. Albans shitcore troupe Enter Shikari will also be gracing the stage. I have rarely been less bothered by an announcement to be honest but I guess you've got to keep the youngsters happy. I've heard many people hail these guys as the pioneers of "trance metal" but to be honest, Pitchshifter had this kind of shit recorded many moons ago so Enter Shikari ain't doing anything inspirational. I'm not going to cane them too hard as they haven't ever really offended my sensibilities but I can safely say that their set will well and truly pass me by.

It looks like it's going to be pant-soilingly terrible weather (so Thunder in terms of band and weather then? Ha ha! Sorry, I'm so tired...) but as Hot Chick rightly said, that's why God invented gay yellow ponchos and wellington boots. Not for me though. I'll be down to my vest and pants in the pit getting my air guitar on...

An Epic time or a Feelgood moment?

With less than 5 days to go, my sphincter quivers further at the prospect of the beer-drinking Download carnage that will soon ensue. But some of the clashes are pretty harsh. The key one, of course, being Faith No More vs. Motley Crue.

Let's look at some of the facts; Faith No More have been separated for over a decade and with the exception of a small warm up gig in Brixton, this will be the first chance that thousands of people, including my white self, have had to see them. They have been credited/blamed for starting nu metal, and songs like "Jizzlobber", "Midlife Crisis" and absolute twatting anthem "Epic" are absolute stomp-along classics of our time.

But alas, Motley Crue are perhaps, no, not perhaps, they are the definitive hair/heavy/sleaze metal band. Reading Nikki Sixx's "Heroin Diaries" or the band biog "The Dirt" shows you what a hedonistic fucked-up bunch of oft-dead, grimy bastards these boys are. And that's not the best bit. With seminal work "Dr. Feelgood" reaching the double-decade this year, word on the bridle path is that they're playing the whole album, start to finish. Oh good lord...

So there's the dilemma. Motley Crue's set eats into 45 minutes of FNM's. I shall have to let the gods of chance decide because at the moment, I have just a touch less than no fucking idea.

Other brutal clashes for this MADman are:

The Prodigy vs. Slipknot

God Forbid vs. Black Stone Cherry

Lacuna Coil vs. Killswitch Engage

Trivium vs. Def Leppard/Whitesnake is kind of a clash but having seen Trivium twice (maybe three times?) and knowing I'm pretty much never going to see the NWOBHM stalwarts again, it has to be Joe Elliott et al. This being said, no fucker is going to miss Leppard and 'Snake, so maybe Trivium will be a good choice........ nah. Sorry Matt Heafy; I love you boys but decisions need to be made, and I must stand firm.

Can't wait for Fightstar too....................................HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Almost kept a straight face.

Wonderings...

And so the weekend approaches, and I find myself asking, "will anything this weekend be as amazing as listening to 'Contractor' on Lamb Of God's new album?"

Let me make one thing clear; since seeing LOG at the Metal Hammer Golden Gods in 2007, I've had a huge amount of respect for these guys. Raw, brutal, heavy fucking metal. The "Burn The Priest" oh-so-obviously-anti days are gone and the remains are a savage metal band that would beat you and all your mates in any kind of brawl you fancied.

I must admit friends, I have had a couple of beers. However, my opinion is still as important...perhaps...

For three consecutive days in the gym, I've been listening to "Wrath". Not since Machine Head's "The Blackening" have I felt a band transcend their own hype. LOG's Grammy-nominated "Redneck" is an insane tune, don't get me wrong, but this album is something else. "Fake Messiah" is a circle-pit singalong (or smack-the-fuck-out-of-each other-along) the likes of which I haven't heard since Slipknot's "Eyeless" or Marilyn Manson's "Fight Song". 

I don't want to waste to much of your gorgeous time dissecting this album as I am well behind the curve with reviews - it's been out for a good few weeks. However, never have I felt so aurally gang-banged as when I first listened to "Wrath". Don't get me wrong, "Ashes Of The Wake" is a great metal album but with their new joint, Lamb Of God have kicked me in the nuts, pushed me over the table, raped me in the ear and pissed their logo into my bleeding face. If you don't own this shit soon, you are either mad or retarded.

Lamb Of God; this is a mother fucking invitation to be one of the heaviest bands around.

What a dichotomy

Just a quick note from me today scumbags. I shouldn't really call you scumbags as I do truly love both of you who read Metal Harmony on a regular basis...

The recession is well and truly kicking in for this MADman, as you may have noticed from my last emotional outpouring re: the glory that is the Skynyrd. It's now god knows how long since I've been to a gig and it's making me a bit Jack Nicholson-in-a-big-fuckin'-hotel crazy. My monies are drying up, my drive is in park and despite the sunshine, I'm feeling a bit emo about everything.

I think it's time for me to sit in my room, grow/iron my hair, turn out the lights and listen to 30 Seconds To Mars.

But wait!

Download is but two weeks away. The thought of three days smashing weak lager in front of Slipknot, Hatebreed, Faith No More, 69 Eyes, Def Leppard, Whitesnake, feckin' Journey, and many more deities of rock is keeping me sane (well, sane as ever) and stopping me from going on some kind of brutal Grand Theft Auto-inspired rampage.

Plus, a new tattoo has been designed and shall be scarring me in the not too distant future.

Life sucks and life rocks. Go figure.

Lynyrd Skynyrd, R.I.P

It may seem a tad dramatic but you don't know how gutted this MADman is! I'll explain. I love Lynyrd Skynyrd. I think they're awesome. There is not a single guitar moment in the world that can compare to that 1997 "Free Bird" solo, which I am informed is one of the most requested clips of all time, as stated by the BBC (I've put a link to the vid at the end as I want you to read my angst first).

If that's not enough to prove their ferocious brilliantness, their drummer was called Artemis Pyle.

Artemis Pyle.

Is there a more "Suthun rawk" name than that? No, there isn't; stop trying to think of one and read on.

Way back in the days of yore, I found out that Skynyrd were playing in the not-worthy Brixton Academy ("Can it really be??", November 28th 2008). I purchased tickets quicker than a fat teenager blogs about continuity errors in Stargate.

But alas, the recession doth fuck me in the face with a passionless grin. You see, the gig is a Sunday, and me and Hot Chick dwell many miles from Brixton. So, we'd have to leave stupidly early and miss the inevitable "Free Bird" finale. Not worries, we'll stay over in London. Will we fuck. I barely have the sheckles for a loaf of bread, let alone some seedy cack shack in SE1.

A gig for me also means a tour T-shirt and minimum £30 of beer. Again, not possible. My current economic situation is worse than Insane Clown Posse's entire back catalogue.

So the tickets were sold on the electronicBay, at face value, to a massively excited Skynyrdian. I don't like people that buy to sell for profit. I think they're about as low as elephantitis-riddled balls. The tickets left the flat yesterday and by now, will be in the hands of some lucky fucker in Suffolk.

By the grave of Ronnie Van Zant, if you bought them off me, treat them good. Sing along until your throat bleeds during "Simple Man", drink a bottle of medium strength lager for "The Ballad Of Curtis Loew" (that's the right spelling, actually) and play air guitar to "Free Bird" like a massive fucking twat.

And like 90% of the original good ol' boys, I'll be there in spirit.

And now, the performance....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4XISNjLGEI

A good morning shuffle

Theoretically, not a "shuffle" as the Creative Zen Vision M is not an iPod. "Random song choice" ain't as catchy though, is it?

Anyway, wandering through the detritus and whoredom of Soho this morning on my way to work and the aforementioned music playing tool presented me with the following in quick succession:

Atreyu - "Lip Gloss and Black"
Sofahead - "Break Up"
Early Grave - "Dead To Me"
Slipknot - "Vermillion (live)"

I'm sure you'll agree, a frankly gargantuan offering for a rainy Tuesday AM.

What do you mean, who are Sofahead? Fuck me. In all honesty, I'd never heard of them either but me and Bro Dude saw them punking it up alongside Watt Tyler and the mighty Leatherface a couple of years back. They're a female-fronted shouty punk mob from Middlesborough who broke up about nine years ago but I tell you what shitheads, they are fucking cool. "Break Up" is a cover of The Doors' "Break On Through" and I strongly recommend you legally download this song if possible. I'd rank it alongside Hi-Standard's "California Dreamin'" in my "Top 10 Awesome Punk Covers Which Make You Want To Push A Granny Over". If you can't find it, holla at this MADman and I'll hook you up.

Early Grave's offering is a grubby hybrid of Dimmu Borgir and Caliban and grinds pretty hard. As these folks are new to me, I shall be investigating further as "Dead To Me" was a pleasant change from either standard death or generic metalcore.

Got to run now as I need a shit.

Missing you already...

Many shades of Green

This MADman has a hangover and Green Day are on the television, hence the "many shades of Green". See what I've done there? I would hope so, or you are truly stupid.

First and foremost, welcome to anyone who is here from Twitter, the campest-named networking facility in the world. Please feel free to contribute to Metal Harmony in any way you see fit, or unfit, or whatever.

Secondly, do Green Day still matter? When I was listening to "Dookie" oh-so-many years ago, songs about wanking in your flat when you're bored and being a retard made sense to my teenage punk self. I had no real angst to deal with but Green Day were still a release. Then they went shit, which I choose to gloss over as it was a sad time. But then "American Idiot" came out and propelled the short-arse frontmanned punksters into the mainstream in a frankly ridiculous way. I seem to remember Kerrang voting their Milton Keynes show "the best gig of all time". If you'd have told me that would happen when I was trying to play along with "Welcome To Paradise" on the drums over a decade ago, I would have said "no chance, you silly c*nt", and pissed in your ear.

Tre Cool was the man who really made me want to hit the skins and at that time, I was convinced that he was the best drummer in the world. And to be fair, he does still have an awesome talent. His timing is impeccable, his energy is awesome and his hair is regularly, if not constantly, stupid.

But I find myself asking, do they still matter? No longer an angsty trio of gobby shits, Green Day are now a threesome of political commentators. Surely this means they matter more? I don't know. I mean, how many people have gone down this route? Protest songs against war and organised religion have been around since music began and have ranged from the abolitionists in the USA to warbly-voice leathery rocker Neil Young to SoCal punk bands like Lagwagon, and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong; Green Day still create fucking tuneage but I can't help thinking their aspirations to end the war in Iraq and topple TV evangelism is a bit contrived.

But what do I know?

More than you, probably.

Emotional beards

Wandering through the music channels last night, I got the the only real option that matters in the form of Scuzz. As it was pretty late into the hours of darkness, they were running through some new music. Unfortunately, one of the tunes was Nickelback's new joints but thankfully, I was sticking chopsticks into my eyes at that point so wasn't paying attention.

A tune that did intrigue me was "I Drink Alone" by The Cumshots. Yes, The Cumshots. Fucking terrible name but not easy to forget. Plus, I'd imagine they get found on the 'Net by people looking for very different things on a regular basis.

These "death 'n' roll" bearded monsters are fronted by lead singer, Kristopher Schau, a man with facial hair so impressive that you dare not look it straight in the eye.

But I digress. Awesome beards aside, this Norwegian quintet were producing some of the most aggressive music I have ever been party to for many moons. Schau's voice is a Jamey Jasta meets Johan Hegg hybrid, and there's genuine anger in there. This, combined with a stripped down drum kit which still has double kick, and deep, guttural chords combine to make an intense musical episode. The video is essentially the chaps in a synthetically lit garage, with Schau occasionally punching/headbutting things, whilst a selection of social ne'er-do-wells, well, drink alone. And cry.

It's bizarre but emotional shit; check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8Qugtp90NU

(sorry it doesn't link straight through, I haven't worked out how to do that on Metal Harmony yet...)

Disgusting balls

Being a connoisseur of all things music (ha!) I tend to listen to my Creative on random select at all times."What, no iPod?" I hear you gently mutter in a barely interested way. Alas no. The Creative is not only a far superior tool for file conversion but it also has a built in radio, allowing for Ken Bruce's Popmaster on the move, plus a 'record' function, should you wish to record any tunage. Can you get that on an iPod? Can you bollocks. Which yet again, is an example of why I'm better than you.

Meanwhile, back at the den of iniquity, I was wandering along through Trafalgar Square and on came "Fire Engine" by Revolting Cocks. In case you're not aware of these chaps, imagine a psychobilly playing a synth whilst beating up a goth and you're there. This particular song makes you want to tree dance whilst performing an electric boogaloo, if you're that way inclined. I shall be investing in more of their work, stay tuned for further cock-based chat.

I also dipped into the Metal Blade 25th Anniversary sampler that Metal Hammer kindly provided some months back and found myself going straight for Cannibal Corpse's "Death Walking Terror". Since my last Corpse experience ("A fun night out for all the family", Tuesday Feb 24th), and I mean that in a purely non-necrophiliac sense, I've been increasingly intrigued. To be fair to this song though, it fucking sucks. Yes, George can growl like a bear with piles but in essence, the song is rapingly boring.

I also found myself confused by Job For A Cowboy's "Embedded". These guys have been criticised for being fake, not paying their dues, etc. but in my opinion, they're heavier than your mum coming to your first born's funeral and telling you that you were a mistaken adoption. But what do I know?

Oh well, off to work. Bye for now asscheeks.

Ready for take off

Sitting outside the boozer on April 21st, reading my book, chugging a few Guinnesses, the sun was shining and I was in high spirits. For April 21st is National Maiden Day. And alas, me and the chaps had tickets to the flight of the century; Flight 666. Not just tickets; Shithouse had booked premier seats (essentially more arse room and a bit of space to stretch out and do double pedal on the floor).

Shithouse and Bandy turned up at the end of pint two, so we had time for another quick 150% of pintage before heading in for a £35 hot dog. The day was going shaggingly well. We also bumped into my mate Jawsome who had made a 10-mile journey on his own for the screening. All four of us were wearing different Eddie colours, along with the other 50 metallers in the vicinity. The look on the faces of the punters who had come for a quiet "rom com" with their partners was rather entertaining.

If you don't know or have been living in an arsehole for the last six months, the film is a rockumentary about the first leg of Maiden's "Somewhere Back In Time" tour - that's the one I went to at Twickenham and you didn't. In your face. Sorry. As you'd expect, it opens with Churchill's speech and quickly into "Aces High", filmed in Mumbai. Seeing tens of thousands of Indians going ballistic to Maiden is, to be honest, a sight to behold. We follow Pilot Bruce and the cartel aboard their Boeing 757 and hitting venues such as Costa Rica (affectionately referred to by one fan as "the ass of the world") and Argentina and at every show, they play with the ferocity and sheer bloody tightness of a band half their age. Nicko McBrain has the most insane ability to gallop a single pedal and Harris's bass strum sounds as natural as a heartbeat (I left that analogy in as it's literally the gayest, most rubbish thing I have ever written).

I'm not going to go into too much detail about this film as, if you're any kind of metal fan, you'd have heard about 20 reviews so far anyway. Quite simply, go and watch the fucking film. Buy it on DVD. And Blu-Ray. And VHS, Betamax, cassette, CD, 12-inch and minidisc. Watching this is like being at a Maiden show (without the flying bottles of piss and crying teenagers trying to escape the pit) but despite having been there, seeing them do this shit in the flesh, it still doesn't prepare you for the way the South Americans, Indians, etc. respond when the boys take the stage. I've never seen a band command pure adoration from a literally global audience.

Get this film. Then go and see Maiden anywhere you can because believe you me possums, you need them in your life.